Season 7
Episode: 140 My Own Worst Enemy
Kim: Don’t you miss me?
J.D.: Of course I do!
J.D.’s Narration: But the truth was, I didn’t. And then I had this weird, crystallizing moment. You see, there’s an age-old principle you hear a lot about in medicine; that the simplest, most obvious answer is usually the correct one. It’s called Occum’s Razor.
[Later in the narration]
J.D.’s Narration: In my case, it was never about sabotaging myself. It was the simple answer, just like Turk said: I had knocked up a girl on our first date, and I don’t have strong feelings for her, and probably never will. And the only reason we’re still together is because there’s a kid involved. Which means I’m going to stay with her until the very end, whether I love her or not.
Dr. Cox: If you want to lose the nickname, you’ve gotta lose the beard. But then you’d be Doctor Face.
Dr. Kelso: Hah! Doctor Face!
Dr. Beardface: Damn you all!!
Janitor: Would you be interested in seeing a cognitive therapist? Because I know a guy, he’s good. I’m gonna give you his card, then I’m gonna bash your head in. I’ll see you in the morning.
J.D.: I’m in at seven.
Janitor: Wear a helmet.
J.D.: Who’s named Lady?
Janitor: She is! Got a brother named Him.
(To The Janitor)
J.D.: Hello? Oh yes, he’s here. It’s the Truth calling. Wants to know why you never tell it.
J.D.: Big news, sports fans! I’ve decided to start calling everybody “sports fans”.
Elliot: I care about you so much, I don’t want to lose you from my life.
Keith: Well you’re going to, because from now on, Pig Whore, you’re dead to me.
Dr. Kelso: Seriously - am I having a stroke, or is someone making an omelet?
J.D.: I have sabotaged every relationship I’ve ever been in. Look at this, Mole Butt, Tina Two-Kids, Rumble Fudly, Giftshop Girl…
Turk: None of those girls were good for you anyway. Well, except for Mole Butt. I don’t even know if Rumble Fudly was a girl.
J.D.: Stop it! Fudz was awesome.
J.D. Carla, let him finish!
Carla: (hands J.D. the console) You can have it!
J.D.: Family comes first, Turk
Dr. Cox: Regardless, you interns are the future of this hospital. If you don’t treat patients, you won’t learn. What I want you to do is walk over to Mr. Setzer and say these words, “I’m your doctor. Deal with it.” Can you say that?
Dr. Cox: “He doesn’t want to be treated by interns”, with the I dotted with a little heart and a little frownie face at the end. It’s incredible. Your handwriting’s actually more annoying than your voice.
Kim: You’re a piece of crap!
J.D.: You’re doing great.
Kim: I hate your hair!
J.D.: Impossible, nobody does.
Dr. Kelso: Of course you had to break up with him, no one you love should ever sell your car without asking and then blow the money on meth.
Dr. Kelso: I swear you could line up a hundred gay men and
Dr. Cox: But if you use the words “emotional roller coaster” I am O U T.
J.D.: Deal. I just feel like I’m on this emotional……ride.
Dr. Cox: Do you have the time to give my daughter a shot now that you’ve ruined your life?
J.D.: Will you talk me through what I’m going through?
Dr. Cox: Absolutely not.
Elliot: You’re having a baby! Wanna do a celebratory jump hug?
J.D.: Nah, Turk Carla and I tried one earlier. Turned out to be lame.
Elliot: Oh please, you probably loved it and just don’t want to admit it.
J.D.’s narration: God, she knows me!
Janitor: That sounded like criticism, and I don’t respond well to criticism.
Carla: Whatever, you still suck.
Janitor: I’m Out
Dr. Kelso: I would give her a shot, Perry, but this is scotch and I’m all Hasselhoffed out.
Dr. Cox: Look I know that I called you at home and threatened to kill your dog, but thanks for coming in Dr. Callahan.
Dr. Callahan: No problem, it’s not like you need a lot of sleep to practice medicine on small children.
Kim: I deserve to be with somebody who doesn’t cross his fingers and hope that he falls in love with me, maybe, someday.
Kim: Would you even be with me if i wasn’t dropping this kid?
J.D.: I don’t know how to answer that.
Kim: I think you just did. You know what? We’re done.
Kim: There’s a lot of guys out there who think I’m a good catch! The words “cute as a button” have been thrown around on more than one occasion!
J.D.: I know, Kim. You’re amazing.
Episode: 142 My Inconvenient Truth
Elliot: Yeah, I promised a patient we’d gain weight together.
Ted: Wow! It’s not every doctor that would take a hot bod like yours and go all jiggly for a patient.
J.D.: (To Janitor) Move it, Jolly Green.
Dr. Cox: (To Elliot) New from Mattel, it’s Hypocrite Barbie. Now when you do waltz into your similarly stick-like patient’s room, I don’t want you to feel guilty because you brought in a bag of celery sticks and some air for lunch today. Remember (whispering sarcastically) it’s not about you, it’s about her.
(Elliot drags Dr. Cox into her patient’s room)
Eliot: Robin, this colleague of mine has pointed out that I could also stand to gain a few pounds. And, I don’t want to be a hypocrite. So, how about you and I do it together.
Robin: Sure. (Looking at Dr. Cox) He’s got crazy eyes.
Dr. Cox: I do. And, I’m okay with it.
(J.D. furiously screaming, trying to break the windshield of the car Dan just gave him with a trash can)
J.D.: I’m gonna take a quick breather.
Dan: J.D., I enjoy a demonstration of your lack of physical strength as much as the next guy. But, what’s your problem?
J.D.: Dan, you come here with your new job, and your new house and you give me a car.
Dan: So what?
J.D.’s Narration: Don’t say it.
J.D.: You’re supposed to be the loser, not me. (Hits the windshield again and it breaks) Clearly I loosened it.
J.D.’s Narration: And then Dan said the last thing I ever expected to hear from him.
Dan: You know what, J.D., you need to grow up.
J.D.’s Narration: Having Dan here wasn’t all bad.
Carla: So Dan, you still living with your mom?
J.D.: Carla, Dan doesn’t live with our mom. He lives in an apartment that happens to be in Mom’s attic.
J.D.’s Narration: Yep, nothing makes my life seem less crappy then hanging my loser bro.
J.D.: I mean sure, there’s lots of bats up there. But, that’s because there’s no air conditioning.
Turk: Bats like heat?
J.D.: Musty heat, yes. Good question, Turk.
Turk: Thanks. (To Carla) How come you don’t point out when I ask good questions?
Carla: Because I don’t love you like he does.
J.D.: Tooold yooou.
Intern: (Holding out mug of coffee) Here’s your coffee, Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: You want me to grab that, even though I suspect the reason you’re holding the handle is because the mug itself is scalding hot. Now, I sent you out to get me some Joe not to give me a burn. Put the coffee down. (Waving arms wildly) Get out, get out! Go, go
Episode: 143 My Identity Crisis
Jack: (On answering machine) Daddy, Grandma says you once peed in the garden.
Perry: Guilty.
J.D.: (while mopping) It’s like this ammonia is seeping into my brain and making me violent and angry and hateful.
Janitor: Yup, that’s how it starts.
J.D.: (at a passing doctor) What the hell you lookin’ at?!
Janitor: Nice.
J.D.: That felt good.
Turk: Somehow, distantly, I’m related to the guy who invented peanuts.
Carla: Turk, that’s George Washington Carver. He didn’t invent peanuts, he just thought up uses for them.
Turk: I’m talking about the little foam packaging peanuts. How dumb do you think I am? (Carla shrugs) Baby!
Dr. Cox: Go to hell, Bob.
Dr. Kelso: I didn’t even say anything.
Carla: My mother taught me how important my heritage is. I will do the same for Izzie, and speaking Spanish is a huge part of that. Plus, I want to take her to the homeland.
Turk: Baby, you’re from
Carla: Turk, I was referring to the
Dr. Cox: (looking at an X-ray) Yeah, that looks like a healthy bone.
Todd: Speaking of healthy bones…
Todd: (to
J.D.: I don’t even like waterparks. I mean I did, until someone thought it’d be funny to go down the slide two seconds after me.
Turk: Dude, the lifeguard told me to go.
J.D.: Really? Did he also tell you to take your trunks off, Turk? Because the last thing a guy wants to see when he’s in a splashpool is his best friend’s junk headed towards him at forty miles per hour. Felt like I got pistol-whipped.
Dr. Cox: (to J.D.) You know what you should use? Mnemonic devices. Associate the person’s name with something about them. I do it all of the time. Like… (stops Ted) this guy. Look… at him. Now, there’s no way he’s ever going to make love to a woman, unless that woman is dead. And “dead” rhymes with “Ted”. Ted.
Ted.: That’s how most people remember it.
Janitor: You are gonna learn 310 names in one day.
J.D.: Hey, the night before my anatomy final, I got drunk on peppermint schnapps, ’cause Turk told me it was a special new mouthwash, could swallow, and after I was done crying and dry heaving and lying in a fetal position, I still managed to memorize all 216 bones in the human body.
Janitor: There’s only 206 bones in the human body.
J.D.: Well, it appears I learned ten more than I needed to.
Janitor: Well done, “Dr. John I think I am a man of the people but now thanks to the Janitor everyone knows I’m a fraud and I have egg on my face Dorian”. That’s your clever new nickname!
J.D.’s narration: Oh my god! You finally have a nickname!
Dr. Cox: Right up until this very moment, I’ve been successfully avoiding you.
J.D.: Okay, Snoop Dog attending, I saw him with his pants down once and he has crazy skinny legs like French fries, French fries are sold at McDonald’s, whose founder is Ronald McDonald; Ronald.
Janitor: You saw him without his pants on once.
Dr. Cox: (To Elliot) Barbie, puh-LEESE stop lumping us in together. Tomorrow is my day off, and I’m joyous to have my place all to myself. Y’see, I’m a lot of things. I’m a Scorpio, a registered independent, a foodie, a Parrothead, yes, I do love that Jimmy Buffett, always have, always will, a leg man…
Dr. Kelso: A right bastard.
Dr. Cox: …thank you, Bob. But I can assure you that one thing I am NOT is…
Dr. Kelso: Straight?
Dr. Cox: …audience participation is now over. The one thing I am not is lonely. Capisce?
Episode: My #1 Doctor
Patient #1: OK.
Patient #2: All good.
Patient #3: Fine.
Patient #4: (Unintelligible speech)
Turk: (To J.D.) The guy has a tongue surgery. He’s actually OK though.
(Later)
Turk: (Standing on a chair again) Patients of Dr. Turk, would you want any one on one time with your surgeon?
Patient #1: Please.
Patient #2: Sure.
Patient #3: Yeah.
Patient #4: Would love to. A private consultation with my surgeon would be very much appreciated. Thank you!
Turk: (Almost whispering) Damn, someone’s tongue is healing fast!
J.D.: Yesterday, I won free muffins for life guessing how many coffee beans were in that there jar.
Turk: Actually they had a re-count. And, you came in second.
J.D.: What? Who came in first?
Dr. Kelso: (Singing and carrying a bundle of muffins in his lab coat) Do you know the muffin man, the muffin man? If anyone needs me, I’ll be in my office going to town on these bad boys.
J.D.: Hold on, Turk. Let’s not declare victory until we give a shot to Dr. John Dorian and his nostrils of steel.
Turk: Your nose can’t handle smells of that magnitude.
J.D.: Make some room. (Enters and immediately exits the room) You’ve got to be kidding me! That is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever smelled.
Janitor: (In southern accent) I do declare. Spending special relationary time with my girlfriend makes me happier than a bullfrog in a beetle bin.
Carla: Why are you talking like that?
Janitor: ‘Cause I’m smitten with my girlfriend “Lady.” And, this is my smitten voice. Why? What voice do you use when you’re smitten?
Carla: My normal voice.
Janitor: (In his normal voice) You know what? You hide it well, but you’re a very strange person.
