Season 6
Episode: 118 My Mirror Image
Dr. Cox: Jacky, would you like some hot dogs?
Jack: I don’t want hot dogs!
Dr. Cox: That’s okay, ’cause we’ve got your favorite yogurt.
J.D.: Are you gonna let me down anytime soon?
Janitor: Not until you spend a little time acting like a flag.
J.D.’s narration: As I acted like a flag, I sensed that the Janitor learned nothing from this experience.
Dr. Cox: Look, you pretty obviously have short-circuited. Because the odds of you ever actually having a baby are roughly on a par with me finding the Loch Ness monster in my bathtub.
Janitor: Say, since we’re small talking, let me-let me ask you a question: Do you have any… regrets about the way you lived your life? ‘Cause I think I do.
Dr. Kelso: You’ve never been to
Janitor: I filled it with blue Gatorade. I just do that to freak people out.
Dr. Kelso: Scintillating.
Dr. Cox: Your sarcasm is wasted on me, you giant pregnant beast. This is an anger-free zone. There’s no anger here.
Dr. Cox: Space-wasters, why haven’t any of you placed a pulmonary artery cath on this guy?
Elliot: Hey, let’s try to use our inside voice around the interns. We don’t want to scare them.
Dr. Cox: What kind of new crazy is this?
Carla: Oh, Elliot snapped a little and decided the interns were her babies.
Elliot: Oops, Jakie. Somebody’s got a little smudgie on his face… There you go.
Kim: Hey.
Turk: Hey.
Kim: You seen J.D.?
Turk: I have not.
Kim: Any idea where he is?
Turk: Teaching CPR to underprivileged youth at
J.D.’s narration: I can’t believe he got that! We are so ready for that charades tournament on Saturday!
Episode: 119 My Best Friend’s Baby’s Baby and My Baby’s Baby
Jack: Where do babies come from?
Dr. Cox: “Where do babies come from?” Well… When a mommy and a daddy love each other very, very much, sometimes they close their eyes… and they make a wish.
Dr. Kelso: Turkleton! If you are trying to get the same five million dollar settlement that damn hook-handed security guard got, you’re outta luck, stud. Because I put a little release button right here on top.
Jack: My mommy had an abortion.
Kim: We’ve talked, we’ve made lists, and we’ve been as logical as we can here, and we’ve still got nothin’.
J.D.: Yeah, but what if we don’t feel anything?
Jack: My mommy had an abortion. My mommy had an abortion. My mommy had an abortion.
Kim: Um, maybe… we-well, if we do-we can-then we… maybe not.
J.D.: Um, we don’t-prob-well, there’s a lot to con-because-we’ll probably… maybe not.
Dr. Cox: All right, Jacky, as promised, let’s go find ourselves a li’l stethoscope so you can hear what your butt sounds like.
Jack: Daddy, what’s an abortion?
J.D.: So… you decided what you wanna do? You know what, neither one of us should have to go first. How about, on the count of three, we both say what we think we should do.
Kim: Okay.
J.D.: One, two, three.
Kim: I got nothing.
J.D.: Appletinis.
Janitor(into phone): Relax, I’ll have him out in one second. He puts the phone down, and goes next to Turk with a handsaw) All right, hold still - nobody likes a jagged stump.
Turk: NOOO!
Janitor(into phone): He’s being unreasonable… Okay.
He puts down the saw and slaps Turk across the face.
Turk: Aaaaaggghhh!
Janitor brings his hand back and slaps Turk across the other cheek.
Turk: Oh!
Janitor: That was from me.
Turk: Hey, baby, look, I… Yeah, he-he’s right here… Hold on. She won’t talk to me.
Episode: 120 My Coffee
Turk: Wow, I got a family.
J.D.: I know. In seven months, I’m gonna have a family, too. Did you ever think we’d be here back when we were freshmen in college? Remember that first week when I found you hooking up with my girlfriend, and you said you guys were only naked underneath the covers because you’d had a water-balloon fight and you were cold?
Turk: J.D., for the last time, nothing happened.
J.D.: Please, this isn’t about that. It’s just that I looked all over, I never found any balloons. You’d think there’d be some balloons.
Elliot: I caught it! That counts! I’m gonna go hold the crap outta that baby!
Elliot: You know the worst thing about Turner’s surgery? I’m gonna be right, but… he’s gonna die. It’ll be a hollow victory.
Dr. Cox: If I got to be right and have a private practice doctor die due to his own idiocy, I would call that a pretty full victory.
Dr. Cox: Giant coffee.
Janitor: Saw you coming. Here’s your vente drip. Say, how ’bout a Corinne Bailey Ray CD. With her stripped-down sound and chilled-out vibe, this British soul superstar is one of the year’s hottest newcomers.
Dr. Cox: You know what - I’ll take one of those.
Janitor: It’s a sale.
Turk: All right, I earned that money, and I’m not giving it back, and there’s nothing you can do to make me.
Carla: Give those people their money back!
Turk: I can’t believe you told!
J.D.: Turk, we’re doctors. We live by a moral code.
J.D.: I feel like I dodged a bullet. Trust me, Brown Bear, you don’t want this hanging over your head. Find Vijay and give him his twenty bucks back.
Turk: Yeah, but then I’d have to give the money back to all the others. I kinda did a few diagnoses at the mall yesterday.
J.D.: Are you crazy? You could get sued! Secondly, I can’t believe you went to the mall without me - I specifically told you I needed to buy loafers. And thirdly, how could you go to the mall without me? That’s our thing!
Dr. Kelso: You don’t scare me. Eventually, you will all come crawling back. Now, how about somebody gets me a banana-nut muffin, and hold the spit, please.
Janitor: As manager, I reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.
Dr. Kelso: Manager? You have worked here one day.
Janitor: Corporate loved my ingenuity.
Elliot: Look, Dr. Turner, you’re older, you’re not in the best health - I really think that this surgery could kill you.
Dr. Turner: Are they gonna come in and shave me soon?
Elliot: I’m still your primary physician.
Dr. Turner: No, Kershnar’s my lead now.
Episode: 121 My House
Dr. Cox: Yes, Party Doc.
Rex: I heard crying coming from this room last night, thought you should know.
Carla: Don’t look at me, I wasn’t crying.
J.D.’s thoughts: Kim’s leaving to pack and I still have no plan to make her stay. It’s go time, just say the first thing that pops into your head.
Kim: Hey J.D.
J.D.: I’m rich. You don’t have to take that job.
Kim: Uh, you’re not rich.
J.D.: Oh yes, I am, Kim. And this right here is my dope-ass Mercedes.
(J.D. jumps on the back of the car and he continuously almost slides off then shuts the gas tank which opens up)
J.D.: I didn’t want to tell you because I wanted you to like me for me.
Kim: You’re an idiot, J.D.
J.D.: Am I, Kim?
(The car takes off)
J.D.: Phone sex is out of the question because I’m a righty when I talk on the phone and I’m also a righty when I’m teaching mini J.D. who daddy is.
Kim: You don’t want to be around me when I’m pregnant, all the women in my family go psycho.
J.D.: Yeah but Kim…
Kim: I wasn’t finished!
(Kim pushes J.D. against the wall. J.D. comes back with a bloody nose.)
J.D.: You know I’m back, I’m back. It’s perfectly fine. I just hit the wall. Look, whatever your decision is, I support you.
Kim: Oh you’re so awesome, J.D.
(J.D. tastes the blood on his lips)
J.D.’s thoughts: My lips taste weird.
Dr. Kelso: Here’s your paycheck Turkleton, now you can give it back to me to pay your bills.
Turk: Why don’t you just hold on to that, sir?
Dr. Kelso. That’s not how it works. Take it, sigh, then hand it back to me.
J.D.: I got you a gift. It’s a star! I found this page on the internet where you can buy and name them. Unfortunately ‘Kim’ was already taken, so I tried Kim with two m’s, Kim with three m’s, Kim1…
Kim:: So what’s it called?
J.D.: ‘frecklefart90′
Kim: Because of the freckle on my butt, my lactose intolerance, and the fact that I graduated high school in 1990!
J.D.: …yes!
J.D.’s narration: that was sooo lucky.
Kim: Oh god, I’m going to be so big when I get back, you won’t want to touch me.
J.D.: Don’t worry, I’ve been with a lot of big girls.
Episode: 122 My Friend with Money
J.D.’s thoughts: To me, the best thing about Elliot is all her extra cash!
Elliot: Hey roomie, I went shopping. This couch reminded me of my grampa, he used to drive around in a car just like it. You know, until he was killed in that seven car pile-up.
J.D.: Seven car pile-up would be a good name for a rock band.
Elliot: I know, you told me that on the day he died.
J.D.: (About a trampoline floor) I like bouncing…but it is dangerous!
Turk: See, baby, the great thing about working at a hospital is that we have access to all types of medical care. Having trouble feeding your baby? Bamh, say hello to your lactation specialist.
Nurse #1: Try tickling her lip with your nipple to let her know it’s time to eat.
Nurse #2: Then just use your breast to lower her bottom lip.
Todd: I can’t see the nipple.
Turk: Todd, get the hell out of here!
Elliot: So have you decided to admit that you’re jealous?
J.D.: No, never, ok! And thanks a lot because the one hour that Kim and I have to actually talk, I was stuck in your stupid boyfriend’s scissor hold.
Elliot: Mhh, don’t you just love how his thighs feel against your ears?
J.D.: No, not particulary!
Turk: That what I’ve…
J.D.: You should see all the sweet new toys Elliot bought, it’s awesome. It’s like that time in college when we got to split Chugsie’s stuff when he drunk himself to death.
Turk: I miss you, you crazy Polish bastard!
J.D.’s thoughts: Now that Elliot was private practice, there were tons of perks. For one, Dr. Kelso still refused to speak to her.
Elliot: Hey Dr. Kelso, if you’re a doody-face don’t say anything.
(Dr. Kelso walks off silently)
Elliot: Get used to that joke, people, because I’m gonna be using it all the time!
Nurse: Turn down service, Mr. Worthington.
J.D.: Not now.
Nurse: When’s a good time?
J.D.: Never, he’s in a coma!
Dr. Cox: There really is only one way to end this.
Janitor: We each ingest a cyanide capsule. (Gives one to Dr. Cox) On three; one, two, three. (Swallows it)
Dr. Cox: No! What are you doing?
Janitor: Mine’s a Skittle.
Dr. Cox: Mine too?
Janitor: Sure.
Little Boy: Hi, since you’re African American, I was wondering if I could I borrow some of your Marvin Gaye CDs?
Turk: Sure, come on in kid.
Dr. Cox: (To Elliot, after she tells him to watch her patient) You’re giving orders to me? O-M-G, Barboo, you make me wanna L-O-L. I just discovered text messaging. I know
Episode: 123 My Musical
Carla: I’ve had it up to here (Holds her hand above her head) so let me make it very clear, because I swear I’ll never let you win again! Every time that you confess I come from Puerto Rico-
Turk: Yes?
Carla: For the last time Turk, I’m Dominican!
Turk: Don’t make a big to do, I was simply testing you.
Carla: Then why’d you tell J.D. our baby’s blacksican!?
Turk: Babe, you know I know the truth.
Carla: Well, I need a little proof! So list all you know about me or no sex again.
Turk: Ahh let’s see….your name is Carla!
Carla: Oh yes.
Turk: You are
Carla: Impressive.
Turk: You’re a nurse. Your mother’s dead and oh wait, I got it! Three sisters!
Carla: TURK!
Turk Two sisters? Well, I’m sure you have a brother who’s a huge jerk-off!
Carla: Tell me what’s my middle name?
Turk: Okay, I’m tired of this game! Let’s forget it, I give up, I guess you win again. But it’s not just me who gets mixed up by all this crazy ethnic stuff!
Todd: Sorry, even I know, she’s Dominican. Boo-yah!
Carla: Did I grow up in
Turk: The thing is guys remember facts, like what Derek Jeter hit last year which was 303, and that is why our brains are maxed. And there’s no room for things like birthdays or ethnicities!
Carla: Well thank you for that glimpse into the workings of the inner man.
Turk: Let’s talk about your job, not the fact that your-
Carla: Dominican!
Turk: You’re not staying home from work!
Carla: Will that make you happy Turk?
Turk: I’ll support you as long as you choose to earn the Benjamin!
Carla: The I’ll return to work today! Now, you’re sure that that’s okay?
Turk: I say si which is yes in Dominican…and Peurto Rican!
Carla: Turk!
Turk: But you’re Dominican.
Episode: 124 His Story IV
Private Dancer: (Reading the quote on the side of the coffee cup) “My Bajingo’s on fire”, Elliot Reid, March 2003…(Suspiciously) What’s a Bajingo?
Quote of the month on Coffebucks cup: “I like laughing at poor people” -Elliot Reed
Elliot: When I said that, I was watching Good Times!
(Carla returns to the hospital after being on maternity leave)
Carla: Hi everybody.
Crowd: Welcome back, Pickle.
Turk: Who the hell came up with Pickle?!
J.D.: I did…if you call Carla “Pickle”, then I can call Isabella “Little Gherkin”…I need this.
Turk: (Shaking J.D.’s hand) Yeah you do.
Carla: Actually babe, I’m just heading back home…it turns out my maternity leave doesn’t end until NEXT week.
Turk: Awwww Pickle, I’m sorry…
(J.D. pats Turk on the shoulder and gives a thumbs up)
Dr. Kelso: (To the new interns) Listen up, faces. In order to save us all some time I will call all the males Daves and all the females Debbies.
Intern: Debbie’s actually my name!
Dr. Kelso: Then out of fairness to the others, you will be Slagathor. Daves, Debbies, Slagathor, I will be in my office, if you need anything, feel free to bother Dorian.
Janitor: Point to
J.D.: Why do you carry a globe around?
Janitor: In case I get lost.
(J.D. tries to point to
Janitor: That’s
J.D.: You’re
Janitor: I’m
(After Turk’s first statement about the War in
Elliot: What do you think, J.D.?
J.D.: Can you excuse me a second?
(J.D. sidles up to Turk and speaks in a hushed tone)
J.D.: Did you break our pact and start reading the newspaper?
Turk: Carla’s making me. Normally I wouldn’t go near the thing except for the funnies.
J.D.: Oh, of course, the funnies! The funnies don’t count. By the way, did you read Marmaduke today?
(Elliot looks on incredulously)
J.D.: Can you believe he gave the pizza delivery guy a bone as a tip?
Turk: No! But that’s what’s great about Marmaduke, he’s always thinking on his feet.
J.D.: I think you mean “paws”.
(Turk laughs explosively)
Turk: Sorry.
J.D.: Keep it real.
Elliot: Well, J.D.? The war?
J.D.: I don’t have time for this Elliot, I have to find an apartment.
Episode: 125 My Road To Nowhere
J.D.: Dorian…aw, damn it, now I’m doing it.
J.D.: Hey, are you guys in?
Elliot: Totally! The last road-trip I took was with my sorority-sisters, so it will be nice to go with people who actually like me.
Keith: Why are you always so hard on yourself? Your sorority-sisters probably loved you.
(Pause)
Elliot: Keith, they tried to sell me.
J.D.: Y’know, Keith, if the buyer hadn’t been an undercover Federali, Elliot would be a slave somewhere now…there wouldn’t be any uncomfortable sexual tension between us, and you and I would probably be the best of friends.
Keith: (Grinning) Yeah?
(After the Janitor walked out of the moving RV)
J.D.: You guys, Turk told me how amazing it was when he saw Izzie’s ultrasound. I can’t miss this, I just…I won’t.
Janitor: Can I say something? I don’t know this young man, I wish I did. I admire his spirit and if he says we must continue onward, then I say I am in!
Dr. Kelso: (Referring to his RV) Check out that body. Bet you’d like to give her a ride, huh?
Ted: (Staring at an elderly lady) Ooh, you betcha.
Dr. Kelso: Over here perv.
Donna: You are ruining our neighborhood.
J.D.: Oh really, Donna, I’m ruining the neighborhood? At least I’m quiet. Were you guys having sex last night or raping a baboon?
Mr. Crosby: I wasn’t home last night.
J.D.: My bad.
Donna: I am gonna beat your ass.
Turk: You could learn the sex, not tell Perry, hold it over his head, and play him like your little bitch-boy.
Turk: (Flattered) Stop!
