Season 5
Episode:94 My Intern’s Eyes
Carla:J.D.!
J.D.: I gotta make a quick twosie.
Nurse: Oh, Dr. Reid, are you joining us for lunch today?
Elliot: Ahhh… anyone want half a tofu-cheese sandwich?
J.D.: I’m gonna have a good year, aren’t I?
Dr. Cox: Anything can happen.
Carla: That’s it. All my birth control pills are gone.
Turk: Not exactly. That fig newton you’re about to eat is not only fat-free but it’s baby-free!
Carla: I just don’t get it, Turk.
Turk: Look, we had sex twenty times in eight days, and I bet it’s because you sensed my hesitance.
Dr. Kelso: Well, at least there’s one attending around here I can count on.
Elliot: Ah, the hell with it, Bob. I don’t work here! Have a good one!
Dr. Kelso: But now I need to know: Is this the type of attending you’re going to be?
J.D.: I guess so.
Dr. Kelso: Anything else?
J.D.’s Narration: I could tell him there’s nothing in my cup and I’m just pretending to drink to seem nonchalant…
J.D.: No.
Carla: Ah, you three are ridiculous.
Elliot: Hey! I’m just here to grab a ride to work.
Carla: At a hospital where you don’t actually work! And you?
Turk: How am I supposed to tell you that I’m not ready to have a baby when you’re so excited?
Carla: And you secretly moving back in here?… Now, I really don’t love being den-mother to you three… fine, it’s like crack to me.
Turk: Actually, J.D.’s been living here secretly.
J.D.: Turk, why!?!
Turk: Because I gotta get those damn judgmental eyes off me!
“Turk”: J.D. didn’t want to live here, I begged him.
Carla: Is that true?
Turk: I didn’t say that - J.D. can do my voice.
Elliot: Hey, it’s getting good!
J.D.: Well, thank you! Aw, I lost it…
J.D.’s Narration: The next morning was not good. Carla was not talking to Turk, Elliot had dropped by to help not talk to Turk, and I was sneaking out in my undies because my clothes were downstairs in the dryer.
Turk: Elliot, why are you here!?
Elliot: Oh, I have to make Kelso think I still work here so he doesn’t have me arrested for stealing medical supplies.
J.D.’s Narration: As for me, I caught my culprit because he made the classic mistake of returning to the scene of the crime. And all because I, too, had been eating Turk’s special.
Episode: 95 My Rite Of Passage
J.D.: No, you guys are fine. You’re doing a good job.
J.D.’s Narration: Still, good guy or not, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t enjoy the perks.
J.D.: You know what, I want the laughter back!
Dr. Cox: It’s a rite of passage that you have to go through around here to be accepted.
Dr. Cox: No, no. No no no no no no no. It was a selfish act. If other people talk to you, you won’t have to talk to me!
Carla: So,
Laverne: When I first started, I lent my car to a patient to go pick up her kids? Last time I ever saw that hotrod.
Turk: Dude, get up - I gotta go to the bathroom.
J.D.’s Narration: As I went to the men’s room with Turk, praying he only had to go onesies…
J.D.: We were gonna do Multi-Ethnic Siamese Doctor Has a Fresca, but then Turk started getting on my case about my interns!
Turk: He’s mad because they’re sucking up to him. And I was sayin’, Dude, that’s the exact same thing you did with Dr. Cox.
J.D.: You know what? Put our right hand in front of your face… Now talk to it!
Mr. Thompson: Hey, lambchop. Uh, crazy story - I was, uh, I was taking a bus to my plane ticket, there was an accident, and thank God I’m alive. I’d hug you but I, uh, uuuggghhh!
Dr. Kelso:
Mr. Thompson: Nice to see you, sir.
Dr. Kelso: You as well. Turkleton? You’ve dealt with him before-
Mr. Thompson: Hey, dude!
Dr. Kelso: Why didn’t you tell her?
Turk: ‘Cause he told me not to!
Dr. Cox: This is gonna cost you.
Turk: Oh my God, you got that little bit of saliva on your lip that says you know something juicy!
Carla: No, I don’t.
Turk: Here it comes… YES!
Carla: Oh, okay, here’s the scoop!
Elliot: Seriously, if you tell, I will never trust you again with anything.
Dr. Kelso: Where’ve you been?
Carla: Nowhere!
Dr. Mickhead: What’re you doing?
Carla: Nothing!
Janitor: How’s Blonde Doctor?
Carla: Cheese!
Laverne: What’s the dish?
Episode: 96 My Day at Races
Elliot: Why don’t you just move into my place?
J.D.: Oh, great, then we’ll be two losers under one roof.
Elliot: J.D., what you said before…I knew you were right. Anyway, I’m sorry I got mad. You were wrong about one thing, though - we are moving forward.
J.D.: Elliot, I’m thirty years old; I’m single, I’m homeless, and I’m pretty sure I just soiled myself.
J.D.: Well, if he freaked you out, why don’t you go talk to him?
Elliot: I don’t know! You tell me.
J.D.: All right, fine, Elliot. You wanna know why? You’re just like me. You’re scared because you feel like you haven’t accomplished anything with your life. But instead of running a triathlon, you’re pushing forward with a guy you don’t belong with. And you know as well as I do, one of these days he’s gonna open up a bottle of white wine for you when you really prefer red, except you never told him that; and you wanna know why? It’s because he’s not right for you, Elliot. Are you happy now?
Elliot: You’re pretty smart for a guy running in bike shoes.
Elliot: This Jake thing is still really bothering me.
J.D.: Elliot, you know our rules.
Elliot: Yeah, I’ve been thinking about that. Who wants to have a superficial friendship? I mean, God, do you remember how close we used to be? Dealing with Dr. Cox, dealing with our screwed-up families, talking about everything? I miss that.
J.D.: This is working.
Elliot: Not for me! I wanna be able to tell you that my boyfriend really freaked me out.
Turk: This is great. I’m being assisted by a magician.
Carla: The only way you’re gonna get through this is if you believe it’s gonna work.
Turk: Uh-huh.
(He pinches her on the arm.)
Carla: OW!
Turk: That was just a fingernail, honey! How would you like it if I cut out your appendix?!
Carla: Let’s forget for one second that hypnosis is used to lower bleeding, aid recovery, or help patients deal with pain. You are married now. So start believing what I tell you to believe! And DON’T PINCH ME!
Elliot: Why don’t you just try a higher gear?
J.D.: It’s like pedaling in hummus!
Episode: 97 My Jiggly Ball
Elliot: (Walks in, sees Kelso)
Dr. Kelso: Crap.
J.D.’s Narration: Even though I had no clue what I was gonna say, Elliot’s attitude inspired me to go introduce the hell out of Bob Kelso.
J.D.: Ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Bob Kelso is a-
Dr. Kelso: Thank you, Dr. Dorian! Thank you so much for this award. Delighted to see you all…
Janitor: Now, anyone who caught a jiggle rebound may step up to the death line!
Laverne: I want you to think of this as a corn muffin.
Janitor: As it happens, we’re heading out right now to play some Jiggly Ball. Are you in?
J.D.’s Narration: Just say no!
J.D.: Jiggle me in.
J.D.: Can I talk to you for a second?
Janitor: No. I’m busy cleaning… Haha… That one always kills.
Dr. Cox: Anyway, I just wanted to introduce you to our Chief of Medicine.
Mr. Morrison: Sir, I can’t tell you how well everyone’s treating me.
Dr. Kelso: That’s what we’re here for!
Dr. Cox: You, uh, you forgot to tell him you were bumping him from the drug trial.
Dr. Kelso: I’ve got work to do, Perry.
Turk: It’s true, Mr. Keck, you could probably get by without the surgery. But why would you? I’m the smartest, most skilled surgeon in this place!
Mr. Keck: Are you stuck in that candy machine?
Turk: I paid for my Rollos, I’m getting my Rollos!
Carla: So anyways, we figured if I offered to do the nursing schedules, and these guys volunteered to do extra shifts at the clinic, Dr. Kelso might give you your job back!
Elliot: No, thanks.
Carla: Why?
Fantasy
Elliot: Carla, I can’t do your paperwork, I am swamped!
Carla: I got you your job back.
Cut to…
Elliot: Turk, I am not giving you my last tater-tot!
Turk: I got you your job back!
Cut to…
Elliot: J.D.! I don’t care if they’re able to successfully attach one person’s limbs onto another person’s body - I am not giving you my hands!
J.D.: Job back!
J.D.: Dr. Bailey was fired last night.
Carla: Why?
Flashback
Dr. Bailey: For this procedure, I’m going to have to numb you.
Episode: 98 My New God
Dr. Cox: By the way, if you want, Jack’s birthday is in the spring… sometime.
Paige: March 21st.
Turk: Well, I’m sorry. I didn’t get how this baby-making stuff could be sexy. But I do now.
Carla: Well, you know, Turk, I can get angry if you give me a little help.
Turk: If you had no hair, you’d look like Danny DeVito.
Carla: Aw, Turk, a little help.
Paige: I beat you at Horse, he has a church wedding.
Dr. Cox: Done.
Paige: That went in, didn’t it.
Dr. Cox: Did you thank the G-Man for that?
Paige: That was all me, baby.
Turk: I just don’t understand why we can’t have fun while making a baby.
Carla: I am just so glad you have to hurt my feelings to have fun.
Turk: I can’t believe you! Wha- Calm down!
Carla: Great, that’s really nice for you. “Calm down”? I’m gonna kill you!
Turk: (Looking towards the church ceiling) You hear that? She’s gonna kill me! Get her.
J.D.: Still, I’ve never known you to judge a person based on their beliefs. In fact, you’re pretty tolerant of everyone. Except Hugh Jackman.
Dr. Cox: Meh.
Turk: You have to help me end this angry sex cycle!
Carla: I’m ready.
Elliot: Oh, Carla, uh, Turk’s making you mad on purpose because the angry sex is so good. The cycle is broken!
Elliot: Losing a baseball scholarship because a bear ate your arm is a much worse consequence of sex.
J.D.’s Narration: Now that I’m on the lam, I thought about two things. One, what my prison name would be…
J.D.: Gizmo!
Turk: Baby, all I’m saying is that in some European countries, it’s totally acceptable for a man to have a mistress.
Carla: Why you-
(He kisses her again, and she fiercely pulls him to her.)
Turk: Mm! Mmmhhgh.
(Time lapse…)
Carla: I’m gonna make you pay for every word you said!
Turk: Worth it!
Carla: Turk! I’m ready!
Turk(To reflection): All right. So angry sex is awesome. That’s no reason to go down a bad road.
Turk(to Carla): Baby, you know what I miss? When your body was kickin’.
Dr. Cox: That’s it! That is it. Now you, you may be a total goner, but God’s not getting his hands on this one. No way, no how. Come on, Jackie boy, we got places to go.
Carla: Stupid jerk!
J.D.’s Narration: …I never go to bed very, very mad…
Turk: Angry sex is awesome!
J.D.’s Narration: I figured out why I’m so great at managing relationships… I don’t rub things in people’s faces…
Dr. Cox: I thought you might like to know that your husband’s chest x-ray looks better. He is finally starting to improve.
Mrs. Donnelly: Thank you so much.
Dr. Cox: I was really just doing my job-
Mrs. Donnelly: Oh, I’m… talking to Paige. She was up all night praying with us.
J.D.: Long story short, after confirming it with my bunk-mates, that counselor and his “friendship lotion” were transferred out of our cabin and we never spoke about it again.
Janitor: Well, “what doesn’t kill ya…”
J.D.’s Narration: We’re as thick as two thieves in a pod!
Episode: 99 My Missed Perception
Janitor: Fear.
Dr. Cox: Never make assumptions based on your own perceptions. Just… never do it.
J.D.: Really? You’ve been spending a lot of time treating my guy, Mr. Jenkins, right?
Dr. Cox: Yeah, he’s a
J.D.: Yeah, actually, he’s just a homeless guy. I made up the war veteran story to motivate my boys! But, what’re you gonna do?
(Cox starts flashing his “warning light.”)
J.D.: Oh, come on! You’ve gotten me like a hundred times. I finally got ya once! It was bound to happen, right?
Dr. Cox: I see your point. Kindly blow it out your ass.
Dr. Cox: Say, Newbie. I, uh, I gotta hand it to ya - it took the heart of a lion to apologize to Mrs. Wilk like that.
J.D.: Thank you.
Dr. Cox: Of course, it took the incompetence of a bewildered jackass to make that error to begin with.
Carla: I thought you were trying to kill me.
Janitor: I fought the urge.
J.D.: Mrs. Wilk, I just wanted to say I was wrong to think you wouldn’t want to try every possible treatment there is to avoid… you know… the place where… you know, there’s clouds… and the… Space Needle…
Mrs. Wilk: Yes, you were. But thank you.
J.D.: You’re welcome. You got a lot of pluck for an older gal.
Mrs. Wilk: How old do you think I am?
J.D.: Jambalaya!
Elliot: We should have just believed Mr. Peele. I mean, it’s not like somebody just poos their pants for no reason.
J.D.: Turk did that in college on a bet.
Turk: Carla did not know that story. Thank you.
Dr. Kelso: But lately, it seems all people see when they look in my direction is some old guy. Hell, just last week, I was in the mall hanging out at Brookstone, and some kid asked me if I was lost.
J.D.: Brookstone? Were you looking for gadgets, sir?
Dr. Kelso: If that’s what you call trolling for mall ass, then yeah.
J.D.: Okay..
Dr. Kelso: I’m fifty-seven, numb-nuts.
J.D.: Really?
Dr. Kelso: And I know they say fifty-seven is the new forty-
J.D.: Who?
Dr. Kelso: I heard Mrs. Wilk gave you the axe.
J.D.: She said “I’ve led a great life.” And every doctor in the world knows that’s code for “I’m ready to die.”
J.D.: Agh! My screenplay!
Dr. Kelso: Hey, sport!
J.D.: You just lit your pipe on my title page!
Episode: 100 My Way Home
Dr. Kelso: Now, on your feet. They need you in the O.R. to assist on the heart transplant.
Turk: The Bolgers said yes?
Dr. Kelso: Mr. Bolger wanted you to have this.
He hands Turk a card.
Turk: His son’s driver’s license?
Dr. Kelso: Turn it over.
J.D.’s Narration: Every so often, a wizard comes along and tells you exactly what you need to hear.
Turk turns the license over to reveal a small heart-shaped icon on the back which reads “DONOR”.
Dr. Kelso: Seems like you had a heart all along!
Turk: Sir, I was watching that.
Dr. Kelso: Well, why don’t I just tell you what happened: Uncle Phillip gets Webster the dog despite George and Ma’am’s objections. It was a good one.
Dr. Cox: But, trust me, when you do have your own kid, you won’t feel that way.
Carla: Yeah? Why? What’ll be different?
Dr. Cox: He’ll be yours.
Carla: You don’t understand. I didn’t dump him on the Janitor because I was busy. I dumped him on him because he was working my last nerve and I wanted to smoosh his face.
Mr. Bolger: Okay, next question-
Turk: With all those topical treatments, let’s just say I wasn’t completely functional.
Mr. Bolger: Why are all surgical residents being so relentless about my son’s heart?
Turk: Because whichever one of us convinces you to pull the plug and donate his heart gets to assist in the transplant.
Janitor: Yeah… the little nipper got ahold of a paint gun when I was painting this green line down to the smoker’s lounge. Thanks to him, I only got halfway down.
Turk: Dude, it was awful. I couldn’t stop lying to them. I only have two moves! If surgery goes well, the fake modest nod and wink. Now, if surgery goes bad and the guy dies, there’s always the headshake-sad-walk-away.
J.D.: Turk! Toto and I are going home.
Turk: Fine!
J.D.: Okay! I’ll help!
J.D.’s Narration: A hospital can sometimes feel like a magical place, where peoples’ hopes and dreams are often far from ordinary.
Carla: I just don’t see what’s so adorable; I mean, “Yay! You made a poopy in the potty!” I’m supposed to be impressed? There’s a monkey at the zoo who can do that. I mean, you know, when he’s not playing with himself.
J.D.: Well, if you don’t wanna have a baby, Carla, don’t have a baby.
Carla: But, J.D., I wanna have a child with Turk more than anything in the world. I know it’s crazy, but I’m a girl - that’s how we roll.
Carla: J.D., I have to admit this to somebody: I don’t like kids!
J.D.: What are you talking about? You’re the most maternal person I know.
Carla: Well, I’m a nurse, J.D. I’m trained to fake it!
