Season 4
Episode: 69 My Old Friend’s New Friend
J.D.: Er… we weren’t talking.
Molly: Was it ’cause of something you did? ‘Cause I’m totally over it. I don’t even remember what it was.
J.D.: No, I mean like, we’ve never talked.
Molly: How do I know your name then?
J.D.: You don’t.
Molly: You’re freaking me out Jimmy.
J.D.: It’s Johnny.
J.D.’s thoughts: Why would you say Johnny? You hate Johnny.
Elliot: It’s so strange feeling all alone when like a month ago I was part of this really tight group, you know?
Molly: Yeah. I had tons of friends at my old hospital.
Elliot: I gotta meet some new people.
Molly: Do you wanna, uh, get a cup of coffee tonight?
Elliot: Can’t. I’m hitting the internet hard and going on a friend hunt!
Janitor: Bull’s eye!
J.D.: We’re not done with our thing yet, are we.
Janitor: No. For you, it’s all just beginning.
J.D.’s Narration: The weird thing is, he was right.
J.D.: Look, Dr. Cox, I know you were using reverse psychology with Mr. Radford.
Dr. Cox: You do, do you?
J.D.: Yes. And I figured it out all by myself, without anyone helping me or explaining it directly in my face or anything.
Elliot: How are your thighs?
Molly: They’re very hot and pink.
Elliot: Do you want me to rub ointment on them?
Molly: It’s okay.
Guys: Awwwwwwww.
Carla: Everything I do, Turk, I do it for us!
Turk: Oh, yeah? Then why does Rowdy smell like daisies?
Carla: ‘Cause I had him… filled with potpourri.
Carla: Look! You’re a husband now. When you make decisions, you’re supposed to think about what we need, not what you want!
Turk: Well, it doesn’t seem like you’re doing that! You gave away my clock! And you sold my chairs. And what the hell is up with these ridiculously tiny bowls!?
Carla: They’re sake cups, Jethro!
Turk: I knew that…
Carla: Baby, I know you don’t wanna return the scooters.
Turk: Can’t this wait till after my scooter club’s fall foliage trip through
Carla: No, Turk!
Turk: Maaaan!
Molly: Look, isn’t it possible that Dr. Cox tricked you as a motivational ploy?
J.D.: Hmm, no.
Molly: After he said there was no hope with Mr. Radford, didn’t you both work harder?
J.D.: Nnoo! You’re like a crazy person!
Molly: Johnny, I mean what Dr. Cox did was classic reverse psychology. And so is this: Behavioral modification can sometimes be brought about through classic conditioning… Reverse psychology? Nothing? ‘Cause that really kills at the psychiatric conferences.
J.D.: I must go to one of those.
J.D.: That, my friends, is Mr. Radford getting out of bed… And that’s Mr. Radford falling back into bed. But still, enough to rub it in Dr. Cox’s face.
Molly: That is so great! But I wouldn’t do that unless you want him to rub your face in it.
J.D.: Did you not see what just happened, or do you not get face rubbing? Because it’s more than just a bizarro way to memorize people’s names.
Carla: That’s what I think of your scooters! No more bugs in my teeth! No more helmet head! No more making deals with God every time a truck passes me on the freeway, okay? It’s over! That’s it!
Turk: What the hell just happened?
Dr. Kelso: You got married, Turkleton.
Molly: You know what, Elliot, you act like everyone’s boxing you out, but you wouldn’t even get a cup of coffee with me. Peace out, baby.
Elliot: Why is everybody saying that?
Guy(Italian accent): Hey! Why did you kick’a my scooter? Why? All you Americans are bullies! That is why the whole world hates you!
Molly: Easy, Massimo. It’s okay, she’s gonna fix it, just go inside and I’ll meet you in my office… He’s not even Italian.
Elliot: So, what, are they shooting some sort of Geeks of Sacred Heart calendar out here?
J.D.: Actually, no, I almost drowned diving for a nickel; but I’m sure you’re more interested in conspiracy theories about gangs and friend stealing.
J.D.’s Narration: Mostly because Mr. Radford had the same “screw you, Dr. Cox” attitude that I had.
J.D.: Good stuff, Mr. Radford! I’m proud of you!
Mr. Radford: I hate you!
Janitor: Sounds like fun, but no. Our game is over, buddy. Your residency’s coming to a close and… that’s it, nothing left to do but…
J.D.: What can I say, it’s been… horrifying.
Janitor: Thank you!
J.D.: Woohoo! Ring around the Janitor! Pocket full of-
Janitor: You’re funny. Pocket full of what?
J.D.: …Zanitor.
Janitor: Not a word!
Elliot: I am not, heh, depressed, sir. In fact, nothing is gonna get me down today!
Mr. Blass: “All by myself. Don’t wanna be all by my-”
Elliot: Oh, shut up!
Molly: Did you just tell my patient to shut up? ‘Cause that seems not very doctory.
Elliot: No. I mean, I said it like all those high school girls do in the mall, like, “Oh, shut up!” I should go.
Episode: 70 My Office
J.D.: (After Elliot removes a sign with her fingers that he couldn’t with a crowbar) She has fingers like biceps.
J.D.: The best thing about this place is that when someone’s really in trouble, all the pettiness melts away.
J.D.: The point is, we should… hang out outside the hospital sometime.
Elliot: J.D., I still need time. I know that’s gonna be hard for you because you like to fix everything right away, but… you just do the best you can, okay?
J.D.: Is it fixed now?
Elliot: Nope.
J.D.’s Narration: Shoot!
J.D.’s Narration: Ultimately, conflict is resolved by remembering why you were friends in the first place.
Laverne: Don’t hang up, Lester.
Molly: You should talk to her. You know her better.
J.D.’s Narration: Or by swallowing your pride.
Carla: I know what you’re doing. But I’m okay with it.
Dr. Cox: He’s coming. He’s coming! Get your ass out here!
J.D.’s Narration: Or by uniting against a moment-stealing common enemy who took credit for your ingenious method of de-bulbing a patient’s keister!
Dr. Cox: Turtlehead! You’re gonna wanna get a piece of this! Come on.
Turk: Where’d you get the coat?
Janitor: I earned it. Let’s get our moment.
Mr. Porter: Thanks for all the hard work, Bob.
Dr. Kelso: Glad to do it. Oh, and, uh, Bart, I think Lyle might be ready for that rough-sex-play talk you had with your other boys.
Turk: Look, I wanna apologize for my wife. She’d never admit it to you, but she likes to be the person around here who tells everybody what to do. Apparently she can’t get enough of it at home. Right? Right? Wrong. Look, if every once in a while you could let her be the one to give the advice? You guys might end up being friends.
Molly: I can do that. And tell Carla that you did well.
Turk: You truly underestimate how proud my wife is. If she knew I was here, she’d kill me.
Molly: All right.
She leaves and Carla comes to face Turk
Carla: What happened to the part about how much I help people around here?
Turk: Wait a second, she said I did well!
Turk: What are you doing?
Molly: Oh, um, I’m tired of trying to find my office, so I just set up shop here!
Turk: Oh! Okay, that’s not weird.
Dr. Cox: All we need to do is thread an angioplasty balloon past the bulb, inflate it…
Dr. Cox/Turk: …and then pull.
Janitor: …Pull it. I concur. (
Dr. Cox: Holy cow. Do you realize if we could get a tight enough clamp around the bulb and then just-
Janitor: No, no, no, you’ll break the thing! Look, here’s the thing about lightbulbs, okay? They’re structurally weak at the narrow end, but the round end is surprisingly strong.
Turk: So if we could get behind the bulb…
Janitor: I see where you’re headed! We go down through the mouth!
Dr. Cox: Your turn’s over.
Molly: It’s funny, it’s not about the argument anymore between you two - it’s a competition about who can be stubborn the longest. If you think about it, the real winner is gonna be who has the guts to apologize first. Hm.
Turk/Dr. Cox: I GOT SOMETHING TO SAY!
Dr. Cox: I’m sorry about the gallbladder thing this morning! Yes! I win!
Turk: Dammit!
Molly: How’s it going in here?
Turk/Dr. Cox: GO AWAY!
Molly: Wow, you kinda harmonized on that. That was cool.
Molly: So… you’re mad at me.
Carla: Excuse me?
Molly: Oh! You’re not mad at me!
Carla: Why did you just close your eyes at me?
Molly: I’ve never been able to wink.
Elliot: Keep up, people! We got pre-rounds to do! Get the lead out, Elvis!
J.D.: Okay, she’s gone. Now, I’ve heard some rumors there’s been some fraternizing with some of Dr. Reid’s residents. Now, I don’t want to mention any names… but, Slobodan, enough of that crap!
Doug: Watch your ass.
Dr. Cox: What’re you still doing here?
Janitor: What you have there is an A21 bulb on a E26 base. Running a hundred watts, putting out about a hundred and thirty volts.
Turk: Get over here, you’re helping me.
Dr. Cox: Not so fast, cowboy. You’re working with me, tall man.
Janitor: Mmmm, actually, no. If I had the time, maybe, but I’ve got a room to clean.
Molly: Hey! Are you Todd?
Todd: Oh, yeah.
Molly: Well, Carla said you’re having a barbecue.
Todd: No, but stick around, I’ll see if we can get something cooking.
Molly: Hey! I got like a two-hour break between patients, do you wanna grab lunch? Or dinner, I’m not really sure what time it is.
Molly: The way I see it, you guys can either get past it and talk like adults, or you can behave like petty children.
J.D.’s Narration: We decided to go petty.
Elliot: Yes, I’m happy! But I’d be happier if I didn’t have to share the job with such a jerk!
J.D.: Elliot. I can hear you.
Episode: 71 My New Game
Carla: So are you guys gonna go out tonight?
Turk: No, we’re gonna stay in.
Carla: Well, I’ll be in the bedroom with all the straight people.
J.D.: Oh my God! Dude! I doubted you for a second, why are you so mad?
Turk: Maybe I needed you to believe in me!
Carla: I believe in you, baby.
Turk: Yeah, but we’re married - that doesn’t count.
J.D.: So! How you guys gonna celebrate your divorce?
Turk: By not inviting you!
J.D.: Thirsty, huh?
Ted: Helps the tears taste less bitter.
J.D.: Cheers.
Elliot: Look, J.D., ever since you dumped me, everyone around here’s been treating me like some kind of a victim. It’s like, “Ohh, look at poor Elliot going home alone.” Or, “Ohh, look at poor Elliot riding a tandem bike by herself.” That’s not something I normally do, I just really wanted ice cream the other night, my car was out of gas, and that’s the bike the Gundersons loaned me.
Elliot: Listen, I probably shoulda put a stop to all this co-chief stuff.
J.D.: What co-chief stuff? I haven’t even been thinking about it.
Dr. Cox: You. You went behind my back.
Molly: I gave you every opportunity to do the right thing.
Dr. Cox: I’ll tell you what, there, Miss Manners: Why don’t you go ahead and gulp down that bear-sized bite, and then we’ll talk.
Molly: Yummy! Man, that is great kielbasa. But you can’t really screw up kielbasa, can you? So, um, where were we?
Dr. Cox: Honest to God, I can’t remember.
Janitor: Hey! Hey, someone! Hey! Randall was in the air conditioning vent, and it collapsed on him! Buddy!
Randall(coughing): Co-chief. Co-chief!
Janitor: Hey, you fixed him!
Turk’s Narration: Forget about J.D. You’re just as good as the Todd. You got this.
Turk: All right, people! I believe we’re done here.
Dr. Lemmon: Did you just sew your gown into the patient? Yeah, ya did.
Dr. Cox:
Carla: Are you okay?
Dr. Cox: Yeah, yeah. I’m gonna go check on Miss Myers.
Carla: Molly sent her down to surgery.
Dr. Cox: Oh-ho-ho, wrong day, new chick!
J.D.: What do you mean she died?
Turk: J.D., I did everything I could. Even my attending thought I did great. He said, “Do I think you did great? Yes I do!”
J.D.: How’d surgery go?
Turk: Oh, you know, I was on top of my game.
J.D.’s Narration: It can be scary to stick your neck out for a friend. That’s why it’s a huge relief when they come through.
J.D.: How’s she doing?
Turk: Uh… unfortunately she didn’t make it.
J.D.’s Narration: What?
Dr. Cox: Oh, you’re gonna hang onto that?
Molly: Yeah, you know, I forgot my lunch money, and it’s kielbasa day in the cafeteria. Kielbasa!
Jordan pages Dr. Cox
Dr. Cox: Oh, whatta you know, the paging of the shrew.
Molly: I think she’s a little upset she doesn’t look the way she used to.
Dr. Cox: Why? How did she used to look?
She shows him a photo.
Dr. Cox: Oh, dear ugly.
J.D.: I don’t know, Turk. It’s a little early for me to start pulling strings - I just got this co-chief job. Dammit, now I’m saying it!
Turk: I know the Todd’s doing her resection, but if you send her down right now, he’s a little busy so it’d have to be me.
J.D.: What’s the Todd doing?
Turk: Yeah, well, you know the city surveyor is outside taking pictures of the hospital for the zoning commission?
J.D.: Yeah?
Turk: I told him they were shooting a Sacred Heart calendar.
J.D.: Well, Mrs. Covello, your CAT-scan showed a small rectal tumor, so I want to schedule a low anterior resection. But don’t worry, we have an amazing surgical team here, okay?
Mrs. Covello: That means a lot coming from the co-chief resident!
J.D.: Heh.
J.D.’s Narration: How did she hear? She’s been in a coma for two weeks!
Dr. Cox: Holy cow!
Dr. Cox: Are you kidding me? I’m gonna wear this the rest of my life!
J.D.’s Narration: Of course, marriage can make the rest of your life seem longer.
Later
Dr. Cox: So I’m supposed to pay for your Botox the rest of my life?
Later
Later
Dr. Cox: Look, Attila, there’s no way in hell that I’m gonna listen to you complain about the rest of your life for the rest of my life, you got that?
Dr. Cox: Oh, God, I hope it’s me.
Dr. Cox: My grandfather’s purple heart!
Todd: Besides, the only reason I’m getting all these great procedures is because nobody’s died on me in like three months!
Turk: Listen, man, you never have to apologize for being on a hot-streak. I’m psyched for you! And I wouldn’t take those procedures away even if I could. Sir, would you mind giving me the duodenojejunostomy instead of the Todd?
Dr. Lemmon: Am I impressed by your moxie? You bet’cha. Am I going to reward it? Not a chance.
Episode: 72 My First Kill
Molly: What are you doing?
Elliot: Oh, just waiting for Mr. Phillips. He, uh, showed up the first couple of days, but he’s missed his last three rehab appointments.
Molly: I’ll wait with you.
Elliot: Thanks. I got my eyebrows waxed.
Molly: They look really good.
J.D.’s Narration: Mrs. Carter?
Dr. Cox: Ooh, did I trick Newbie? I did, didn’t I! And now of course he has to live in fear of when he will kill. When, when, when when when when when when when when?
J.D.: You know what, I don’t appreciate lying.
Mrs. Carter: I don’t know how my car ended up in the community pool.
Laverne: You musta lost control after you went through the snack bar.
J.D.’s Narration: Killing Mrs. Carter, though admittedly bad for her, was just the pick-me-up I needed.
J.D.: She died?
Dr. Cox: Three days ago of endocarditis. You didn’t get blood cultures and you missed it. You happy?
J.D.’s Narration: The weird thing was that I was a little happy.
J.D.: Sticky needle please!
Laverne: Here you go, Doctor. Oh, by the way, when this is over, I’m kicking your ass!
Dr. Cox: Hey, Peggy? Yes, I noticed the turtleneck choice in August, and can only assume it’s got something to do with that grapefruit you store in your trachea.
J.D.’s Narration: Besides, I had bigger problems. I had to do Mr. Daniels’ procedure. Luckily I’m a professional, and professionals finish the job.
J.D.: This needle is too sticky! I’m out! Get it together, Laverne!
Molly: Don’t push me. ‘Cause one of the reasons I became a therapist is I’ve always been able to zero in on a person’s greatest insecurity.
Elliot: Ohhh, I’m real scared, Molly, what’cha gonna-
Molly: Eyebrows.
J.D.: “Eyebrows.” Like that’s gonna make you-
Tears stream down Elliot’s face.
J.D.: Elliot, come on, you can’t be that insecure.
Elliot: Giant Adam’s apple!
J.D.: I have to go.
J.D.’s Narration: Elliot’s comment didn’t bother me, because I’m proud of the body God gave me.
Molly: Did you just page me so you could rub my face in this?
Elliot: Yes. Uh, there’s also a couple of messages on your home machine.
Molly: Look, Elliot, I hope I’m wrong, and I hope he stays clean. Let’s just not make this personal, okay?
Elliot: Said the loser. Who lost.
Carla: Where, where am I gonna find a dead stuffed yellow lab?
Janitor: I can help.
Carla: No, you have work to do.
They both laugh
Janitor: Let’s go.
J.D.’s Narration: Bullet dodged! He totally bought it! Hey, where’s he taking me?
Dr. Cox: Mr. Daniels. We have rethought things and decided that you should have that procedure.
Mr. Daniels: Okay.
Dr. Cox: I know that took quite a bit of cajoling, but I think I was able to convince him.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Clock. Edwards, here, is at best just a few minutes away from walking towards the light, so what’s say you stop wasting our time and give me your professional opinion.
J.D.’s Narration: Of course, sometimes friends will surprise you.
Molly: Mr. Phillips’ numerous relapses paint the picture of someone who has not overcome his addictions, sooo, no, I don’t think he will.
Elliot: Karaoke’s so off!
J.D.’s Narration: Still, we all end up leaning on certain clichés when making major decisions. Like, “Don’t jump off a bridge if you don’t know how deep the water is.”
J.D.: This procedure’s too risky right now, Mr. Daniels, I think we should wait.
J.D.’s Narration: And, of course, the classic, “No matter how clean the janitor gets your husband’s dead dog, you still need to put him in the trunk and not accidentally leave him on the roof when you drive off.”… And finally, the lesser-known, “You can accomplish anything with a friend by your side.”
Elliot: Anyway, because of the heroin use, surgery doesn’t want to give Mr. Phillips a heart valve. So now an ethics committee is gonna decide if he gets the operation or not. And I’m freakin’ out, because I’ve gotta go and argue his case at… Oh my God! Is it already two o’clock!?
Molly: Oh, relax, that’s
Elliot: “The boat”?
Molly: Yeah, she’s been sleeping with a commercial salmon fisherman.
Elliot: How fun for her!
Ted: What happened to all the cute little squirrels, Flo?
Flashback: Janitor’s Garage
Janitor: Let’s call this meeting to order. Uh, first things first, I counted the ballots, and, uh, someone voted twice. Interesting. I’m not pointing fingers -
End Flashback
Janitor: There were never any squirrels.
Janitor: Heard you’re trying to clean a dead dog.
Carla: Yeah, who told you that?
Janitor: Mmm, the wind… Blonde doctor.
Fantasy
J.D.: Listen, dead people, do any of you feel that I may have, you know… killed you?
Mr. Bursky: No.
Mr. Simon: I mean, you weren’t a great doctor.
Elaine: He was nervous.
Mrs. Tanner: Oh, like a little bird! But no, dear. You didn’t kill any of us.
J.D.: You know what? I left my wallet back on earth.
End Fantasy
J.D.: Haha! Suckers!
Episode: 73 Her Story
Molly: Oh, actually we decided to take a little break.
Elliot: How long?
Molly: Two-to-five years.
Turk: Baby, since we got married, I’ve done every little thing you’ve asked me to do. But I will not have my woman tell me when I need to go to bed! Okay?
Carla: Okay.
Turk: Really, that quick?
Carla: I love it when you’re all “my woman this, my woman that.”
Carla: Mm? Wha? Wha? Oooh. It’s morning already?
Turk: No. But I could see how you’d think that, being that it’s light out and we’re in bed.
J.D.: Okay, everybody, gather around please?
Dr. Cox: Newbie, I need to talk to you?
J.D.: I’m a little busy right now, Perry!
Dr. Cox: Oh. My fault, I’ll come back later.
J.D.: Oh, and another thing. From now on, I’d prefer it if you’d address me as “Dr. Dorian.”
Dr. Cox: Are you really doing this?
J.D.: You bet your ass I am. And from now on, if you have a problem with me, you come see me in private, not in front of my boys! My boys got enough to worry about!
Dr. Cox: Wrap it up, there, bingo.
J.D.: I simply will not tolerate it, Perry! And neither will my boys!
Dr. Cox: The next minute you find yourself alone, I’m gonna kill ya.
J.D.: It was worth it.
Molly: Hey, Carla, can you warn everyone that Mike gets a little handsy when he’s on the pain-killers?
Carla: Dr. Vaji already told us.
Dr. Vaji: It was horrible.
Elliot’s Narration: As I watched Molly gently stroke the hand of a convicted felon, I had to admit his eyes were stunning.
Molly: Elliot, I’m sorry-
Elliot: Ah, you don’t have to say anything - I know all about how it is when you think a guy is great and he ends up being a car thief.
Molly: Well, you know, relationships are never perfect, and… and Mike’s got a lot of potential. He’s got the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen.
Elliot’s Narration: Oh my God, my mentor’s a crazy person!
Molly: Hey! Uh, we gotta do the dinner another night.
Elliot: How come?
Molly: Well, Mike got up early this morning and he wanted to read the paper, and I don’t get it, so then he went to the neighbors’, and they don’t get it either, so he broke into their garage and stole their car and wrapped it around a telephone pole.
Elliot’s Narration: Enough! He’s never been there for you! Burn this bridge once and for all!
Dr. Cox: Barbie, honest to God, if you-
Elliot: You know what, Dr. Cox? I have so had it with this whole macho alpha-male thing, and I have heard every tired, recycled put-down you have in you. So, from now on, save your stupid lessons for someone who gives a frick, because honestly, I don’t even wanna see you or the stupid poodle perm of yours unless it’s walking away from me.
Carla: Turk! It’s bedtime.
Turk: Baby, when you said we’d go to sleep at the same time, I thought you meant you’d stay up until I went to sleep.
Carla: Turk. That’s crazy talk!
Turk: The guys are here and it’s the ninth inning!
Todd: Gentlemen, a moment for our fallen comrade.
Whip cracks
Turk: Check out my man getting his leadership on! First he hits ‘em with a little preparation.
J.D.: Are there any more questions about evolving treatment therapies?
Turk: Next, inspiration.
J.D.: Now, I just want you to know, you guys all have the potential to be amazing doctors.
Turk: And finally, a dose of fear.
J.D.: M’kay, I’ll see you guys… AAAAGGGHHH!!!
Residents: Agh!
J.D.: AAAGGGHHH!
Residents: Agh!
J.D.: AGH!
Residents: Agh!
Turk: Okay, fear might need a little work, but otherwise Smurftastic!
J.D.: That’s how I Smurf, baby.
Todd: Mm, Smurfette. Blue boobies.
Molly: ‘Scuse me. Yeah, those are my boobs. Have you had time to go over my proposal?
Dr. Kelso: Ah, yes, medical care for crazy homeless people. Sounds like a money-maker.
Molly: See Dr. Kelso over there? I have to go over and justify my program for our psychotic homeless population? Am I scared to go over to his table of stuffy fat guys, ’cause I know they’re just gonna stare and my chest the whole time? Of course! But… I’m just gonna act confident, and they’re gonna believe that I’m confident!
Molly: So how’s it going?
Elliot: I’m freaking out about grand rounds today because Dr. Cox hung me out to dry again.
Molly: You’ll be fine. Just do what I do: Fake it till you make it.
Elliot: Like when a guy is really bad in bed and you pretend that he is awesome so he doesn’t go to a special store, buy one of those weird pumps, and then accidentally run into your dad?
Molly: Kind of…
J.D.: Ooh, are we playing pillow feet again?
J.D.: Oh, I’m researching some leadership techniques for my residents.
Turk: Well, you’re better off watching good ol’ Papa Smurf, here! Yeah, he says leadership boils down to three things: Smurferation, Smurferation, Smurf.
J.D.: “Preparation, Inspiration, and Fear”?
Turk: You know it.
Episode: 74 My Cake
Molly: I’m on it.
(In the men’s room. Turk is posing with an Afro drawn on the mirror)
Turk: Excuse me…did somebody say they’re lookin’ for the baaaaddest detective in town?
Molly: Awesome afro. I’m sorry to barge in on you, BUT I’m a little rusty on the medicine side and I was wondering if you could help me. See, I have this patient, constantly tired, always peeing, losing weight.
Turk: You should have him checked out, he might have diabetes.
(They exchange glances)
Turk: …oh.
J.D.: And it’s our dad, and he’s ranting and raving because he’s an office supply salesman and he can’t find a paper clip in the entire house.
Dan: Meanwhile, he gets to work the next morning, and he realises he’s got a million of ‘em in the trunk of his car.
Turk: Baby, I got diabetes.
Carla: Oh no, Turk, really?
Turk: Carla.
Carla: I call this “Turk’s Diabetes Box.”
Dr. Cox: You know, when my father died, all I could focus on was how he was never there, but you - you’re lucky, you’ve got some positive stuff you can dwell on - throw the ball, Jackass!
Dan: He is a jackass.
Dan: I gotta tell you little brother, you were always the apple of Dad’s eye… you know, that’s the worst thing about college football, the male cheerleaders - ooh, God, that’s a chick.
J.D.: Oh my God! I’m sorry about the “Wash Me!” thing!
Dr. Cox: Put that on.
Dan enters with beer
J.D.: Dan? You were out with him? I thought you’d dissolved.
Molly: Well, Carla calls you her “Superman,” and you love that… but diabetes makes you feel vulnerable, and you’re afraid if you’re open with her about it, you won’t be her Superman anymore.
Turk: Yeah. Devil Woman. Sorry.
Turk: I want to apologize to you for that whole “Devil Woman” thing. I promise you, I will never call you that again.
Molly: It’s okay. I mean, I can understand why you’re uncomfortable around me. I sometimes do see everyone as a patient.
Turk: You know, surgeons do that, too. C’mon, let’s see who’s better at it. Hip replacement.
A man with a “Foam Dome” helmet.
Molly: Alcoholic. That was easy.
Turk: Yeah.
A heavy man enters.
Turk: Quadruple bypass. Two on me!
Molly: Constantly trying to validate herself so she’ll sleep with anyone.
Charice: Hey, Turk.
Turk: What’s up, Charice. Uh, but that, that was before Carla.
Dr. Cox: And I have got to believe that the two of us, together - together, Dan - we can make it at least half-way to one legitimate adult.
Dan: You’re right, Coxy. Dammit, Coxsmith! Crybaby time is over! The kid needs us, and he needs us now, right?
Dr. Cox: Towel.
Dan: Thank you. Let’s rock and roll!
Dr. Cox: Look, Dan -
Dan(points at his “beard”): Captain Bubblebeard. Avast, matey! Shut yer scupper and bare yer steel, we should be seeing la-AAH -
Dr. Cox pushes his head under the water. He gets back up without the “beard”
Dr. Cox: There. Now you’re Dan again.
Dr. Cox: Hey! Where’s your brother?
Dan: J.D.!… He’s not here.
Dr. Kelso: Ahh!
Ted: Thanks again for inviting me to your house for dinner.
Dr. Kelso: I did?
Ted glances up. The Janitor points at him and mouths “Yes.”
Ted: Yes, sir, you did.
Dan: I smell cake! If Uncle Bernie died, someone’s gonna have to go on a beer run!
J.D.: Why haven’t you told her?
Turk: I’m not sure. Can I tell you something weird, though?
J.D.: You can tell me anything.
Turk: I feel like your dad dying has stolen my diabetes thunder.
J.D.: Oh my God, just this second I was thinking your diabetes is gonna get in the way of my dad dying.
J.D.: What’s the occasion?
Turk: I… have type II diabetes.
J.D.: Really?
Turk: Yeah.
J.D.: That sucks. Carla is aware that if you eat that your foot will fall off, right?
Turk: Well, I haven’t told her yet. But I’m pretty sure she knows, ’cause right now she’s trying to get me to ‘fess up by tempting her Chocolatey Goodness with chocolatey goodness.
Carla: Babe? Do you want some hot fudge sugar sauce?
Turk: Oh, hell yeah! (he shakes his head to J.D.)
Episode: 75 My Common Enemy
J.D.: Oh, goodnight, Dan. Sleep tight. There’s a bus schedule underneath your pillow.
Dr. Cox: I hate you, Bob.
Dr. Kelso: Same times a thousand, big guy.
Carla: Turk! We just got invited to Linda’s Jack & Jill bridal shower. Do you mind if I use your diabetes to get out of it?
Turk: Of course not, baby! And now… it’s bat-killing time!
Dan: Hey! I can’t find my Dido CD!
J.D.: If my heart could write songs, they’d sound like these.
Dr. Cox: Was she always wearing that big hat?
Dr. Cox: Lady, stop cryin’!
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Clock, you don’t have to miss your wedding. I was lying about shift-switching. I like doing it, I like saying it - shift-switching. And I only lied because we were trying to destroy your morale.
Molly: Why would you do that?
Dr. Cox: Well, in our defense, you’re overly cheery and we were bored.
Dr. Kelso: And we’ve broken her! There sits a dejected a woman, all alone, wounded, vulnerable…
Dr. Cox: Crying.
Dr. Kelso: She’s ruining it for me.
Turk: Look, baby, before you get freaked out, I fixed it already. Look!
Dr. Kelso: Nurse Turkleton! I wanted to offer you that job once more!
Carla: I don’t want it!
Dr. Kelso: Great! See you Saturday, bat-man.
Turk: Baby, what the hell!
Turk: Carla, we have to talk.
Carla: Is it your blood sugar again? I’ll get you something!
She grabs Ted’s ice cream sandwich out of his hand.
Turk: Baby, I feel fine. It’s just that I kinda been using my diabetes to get you to, you know, hook me up with sandwiches and whatnot.
Carla: I can’t believe you!
She grabs the treat away from Turk and hurls it into the trash.
Ted: Oh, man! I brought that from home!
J.D.: I love champagne. You mind if I have a little? Thank you. A nipper! Ahh! Tingly! It’s a tingly drink! Oooooh! Pretty candles! Anyhoo, I know you broke up with Dan because you thought I was upset, but in reality, I… uh… I… “I want to thank you! For giving me the best day of my life…” I love this song, who is it?
Elliot: Dido. And you’ve really got to meet my brother Barry.
Dr. Cox: Awww. That wasn’t very soft and creamy.
Molly: It’s okay. He has a hospital to run, I understand.
Dr. Cox: Good God. She can’t be stopped.
Dr. Kelso: Turns out you can’t go to your mom’s wedding. There’s too much shift-switching going on here and I don’t like shift-switching. It’s too hard to say!
Dr. Kelso: Why are you whistling, Ted? Your life is pathetic.
Ted : Right.
Dr. Cox: Dear God, she has an actual skip in her step.
Dr. Kelso: Doesn’t bother me as much as the whistling.
J.D.: Oh, come on, don’t go. We can watch ‘Kangaroo Jack’ and chug a Foster’s every time they say “g’day”!
Dan: G’day, J.D.
J.D.: Dan!
Dan: I said g’day!
J.D.: Don’t you think you’re overreacting?
Dan: No, J.D., I don’t, because Elliot was the best thing that ever happened to me and now she’s gone. Ahhhh… she’s gone! She’s gone. She’s… gone! She’s gone… she’s gone.
J.D.: That’s not even the right gibberish!
Dan: Hey, little brother.
J.D.: AAAAGGGHHH! What are you doing back in the tub!?
J.D.: Dude, your idea totally worked!
Turk: Incoming, man.
Elliot passes the door.
J.D.: MY OWN BROTHER! WHY? (punches wall) Ohh, God, it hurts so bad!
Turk: You can stop now, she’s gone.
J.D.: No, I think I broke my hand.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, sweet Moses. Everything has gone straight down the crapper since
Dr. Cox: I didn’t know
Dr. Kelso: She doesn’t. Those pills kill her sex drive.
Dr. Cox: Bob, do you realize what you did by giving Blondie that book?
Dr. Kelso: With any luck, I kept her from reporting me to the board for trying to con her out of meds.
Dr. Cox: Bob. We have a problem.
Dr. Kelso: Not now, Perry, I’m swamped. I’m trying to find an exterminator to kill the bat in my attic.
Dr. Cox: Be a man, Bob! That’s what tennis racquets are for!
Dr. Kelso: Try telling that to my one-eared dog.
Episode: 76 My Last Chance
Dr. Cox: No, ‘course not.
Denise: I like it à la mode.
EMT: Hey, did you leave anything in the ambulance?
Dr. Cox: Only my will to live, why?
Dr. Cox: Oh my God. What happened in your life that made you so needy that you’ve got to fill every waking second by babbling on?
Denise: Fine, don’t visit. My son will come.
Dr. Cox: And now we are right back on your son again. I’ll be honest with you, I’m worried that I’m not going to be able to get your voice out of my head. It is a very real concern.
Dr. Kelso: It’s not my wife, is it, Debbie?… Dorian. Turkleton. If you come in, you have to take your shoes off.
J.D.: Elliot, you gotta help me! We’re in front of Molly’s apartment, but her name isn’t listed anymore.
Elliot: It’s either… 4G or 5G. J.D., this is ridiculous, it’s 4 o’clock in the morning. Even if you catch her, she’s leaving for the airport in like ten minutes.
J.D.: That’s perfect! That’ll leave us five minutes to cuddle!
Denise slams on the breaks to avoid hitting J.D. and Turk
Denise: It’s okay. Hey, Perr. I just saw an adorable interracial gay couple. Aw, just precious.
Turk: Sorry, dude. Where were you?
J.D.: I was treed by that coyote!
Turk: You got your phone?
J.D.: He took it.
Carla: I don’t understand what the big deal is. It’s just sex.
Turk: It’s not just sex. It’s sex with Molly! Any guy would kill to have sex with Molly. Hell, I’d kill to have sex with Molly!
Carla: That’s it.
Doug: Ears! Right! I’m not stupid!
J.D.: Where are my clothes?
Doug: I sent them to the dry cleaners!
J.D.: Aw, Doug!
Dr. Cox: Oh, happy day. She’s blown a fuse. Mm. I swear to
Dr. Cox: Consider it done.
Denise: …gum gum gum gum gum. Gum.
J.D.’s Narration: The key here is to not seem desperate.
J.D.: Please, Elliot! Please let me have sex! She’s leaving tomorrow!
J.D.: Should we get out of here?
Molly: D’you think you can handle it?
J.D.: No. But you won’t know until after.
Denise: Well, laissez le bon temps roulez. Translation: Let the good times roll. See, that’s what they say in
Dr. Cox: Boy, I tell you what, there,
Denise: Perry! I was just telling
Dr. Cox: What are you doing here, Denise?
Denise: Well, I heard that you were doing back to back shifts, so I pulled a couple of strings so that we could get the old band back together!
Denise: Get out of town! I just came up with that band thing!
J.D.: Hey, Molly. It’s your last night, you wanna grab a beer or something?
Molly: J.D., I have to tell you something.
J.D.: Oh, no, did someone you know die from beer?
Molly: No one can die from beer.
J.D.: People can die from beer, Molly. Shinski didn’t, but our friendship did.
Denise: You know, you don’t get this kind of rush on a normal job. You don’t, you don’t, you don’t, you don’t, you don’t. You know what I’m saying?
Dr. Cox: You’re saying you don’t.
Denise: Well, Perr, sometimes you do.
Elliot: Now that you made out with my best friend, that makes us not even again. So go get me some cotton balls and a toe separator - mama needs a pedicure! Heh.
J.D.: Elliot, once you’re even, you can’t just go back to being not even. That ain’t new, girl!
Elliot: Admit we’re not even or I’ll make you pay.
J.D.: Heh, yeah, now that we’re friends and there’s no chance of us ever having sex again, there’s really not a whole lot I “need” from you, okay?
J.D.: Hey, Elliot, I was making out some prescription orders - and speaking of making out-
Elliot: She already told me, J.D.
J.D.: Oh, damn, I was afraid that was gonna get out. Does anybody else know that I totally made out with Molly? Up here!
Carla: I wuv your wittle outfit.
Dr. Cox: Now listen, you: Riding in an ambulance takes care of my community service, so I’m doing two shifts back to back - I’m gonna knock this whole thing out in a single day. Besides, how bad can it be?
Denise: Howdy, partner! Name’s Denise Lemon. Looks like we got ourselves a little ambu-date - that’s “ambulance” and “date” put together. I got a million of those!
Carla: I am loving this!
Episode: 77 My Malpractical Decision
Neena: Are you coming in or what?
J.D.’s Narration: In the end, it’s always best to rely on your principles to make decisions.
J.D.: Hell yeah!
Answering Machine: Message deleted.
J.D.: Okay, I’m confused, I thought you weren’t interested in me.
Neena: Well maybe I just said that to make it easier for you. Or maybe I said it ’cause I knew you’d do what I wanted you to. I’m not sure.
J.D.’s Narration: As I stood there confused but enjoying Neena’s very long kiss with just the right amount of tongue, I thought about how when you make tough decisions good things can happen. Like the confidence you can gain from finding your true calling.
Doug: Hey, Nelson. Got some of your handiwork down in the morgue today. Were you operating with a blindfold on or what?
J.D.: You know, if you really wanna piss him off, we should follow him to his office and just have sex right in front of him! Ahhhh, that would never work, I couldn’t perform. It’s a mentor thing.
Neena: Thank you. And I hope I didn’t ruffle your feathers too much while I was here.
Dr. Cox: Sweetheart, I find it amusing that you think you’re so much as a blip on my radar. Better go ahead and jot this down in your little lawyer notebook: Nothing you could possibly do could ever, hee-hever get to me.
J.D.: Turk, the way I see it, you got two options: You can go hard-core with Mr. Corman - slap a restraining order on him and switch him to another doctor…
Turk: Guy’s a pain in the ass, but I can’t do that to him!
Elliot: Then you just have to re-establish your boundaries and wean him off the home visits. It’s easy. ‘Course, you’ll definitely have to change your cell phone number.
Cut to…
Turk: Mr. Corman, I filed a restraining order.
J.D.: How do I decide if we should do the procedure or not?
Elliot: How do I tell someone he shouldn’t be a doctor?
Turk: How do I get my patient to stop stalking me?
Patient’s Thoughts: How do I get these people to realize that just because I’m in a coma doesn’t mean I can’t hear them?… I’m hungry.
J.D.: Why are you doing this?
Neena: I love my dad. I’d do anything. But if it makes you feel any better, I think you’re really sweet.
J.D.: How’m I supposed to believe that?
Neena: Well, you can’t. I already lied to you once so the trust is broken, even though I’d never lie to you again.
J.D.: Really?
Neena: Who knows.
Mr. Corman: Your father’s gonna be just fine. The place is top-notch! I practically live here!
Neena: Are you a doctor?
Mr. Corman: Massive hypochondriac. If you’ll excuse me, I have to go harass a surgeon.
Carla: Hey, Night School! Mr. Corman followed us home last night!
Turk: How’d you get my cell phone number?
Janitor: Ehh, once you got somebody’s drivers license and a urine sample, you get just about anything. How do you flunk eighth grade gym?
Carla: You better stop messing with my husband.
Janitor: You-tell him to stop messing with my walls!
Carla: You did this?
Turk: Baby, you know you’re my world.
Carla: I’m out.
Janitor: I flunked gym, too. Didn’t like the shorts.
Elliot: What are they doing here?
Foxy Nurse and a shirtless guy are in a corner making out.
J.D.: This is a hospital! He should really have his shirt on.
Elliot: Yeah.
J.D.: Dynamite areolas, though, huh?
J.D.: What are you doing here?
Elliot: Ah. Hiding from Doug. He asked me a question I haven’t answered yet. You?
J.D.: I was trying to make a dramatic exit. I thought this was a patient’s room.
Elliot: Right.
J.D.: All right, even if I am a little desperate, Neena was not playing me.
Neena: I was playing you.
J.D.: You’re just saying that because he’s here.
Neena: No, I manipulated you.
J.D.: You’re just saying that because he’s here.
Neena: Ookay, we seem to be in a bit of a loop here, so I’m just gonna step over and talk to this one.
J.D.: For your information, there’s a certain foxy nurse that requested my services at her apartment just last weekend.
Flashback: There’s bouncing and jostling of a bed.
J.D.: Hold on. I’m almost there!
He backs away from the bed.
J.D.: Okay! Your new bed’s all in. What now?
Nurse: You leave.
She turns to her shirtless date and they begin making out
J.D.: Still don’t understand why he couldn’t do it.
Dr. Cox: So now, what, she just bats her eyes and you change your tune? Who in the hell am I kidding? Of course you fell for her act, you’re the loneliest guy in this hospital!
Carla: Oh, no, he’s not the loneliest guy. That’s the loneliest guy. Watch this… Excuse me?
She taps Lloyd on the shoulder
Lloyd: Mmmmm.
Dr. Cox: I’m not gonna lie to you there, Newbie, you really impressed me by parroting my ethical speech back to me. What the hell got into you?
J.D.’s Narration: As for me, I didn’t have to say anything and he knew.
Zooms down the hall to Neena, who winks at J.D.
Dr. Cox: Ohh, Priscilla, you are so busted!
J.D.’s Narration: Dammit, he sees like a hawk!
J.D.: Listen, I know you hate everything about Miss Broderick, but her father is in need of medical care, and it is our medical obligation to treat him, whether his daughter is a murderer, a drug addict, or a terrorist.
Dr. Cox: I know, but a lawyer?
J.D.: Even a lawyer.
Neena: You’re sweet.
J.D.’s Narration: Oh my God, is she flirting with me?
Neena: Oh my God, am I flirting with you?
J.D.’s Narration: Oh my God, is she psychic?
Mr. Corman: Yeah, fine. Okay, I’ll go practice, I’ll tell you how it went - just gimme your cell phone number.
Turk: All right, that’s it. Look, Mr. Corman, I will see you whenever I have office hours, but I will not see you outside of this hospital. And there is no way that I would ever give you my cell phone number! No matter how awesome or perfect it may be! Are we clear on that?
Mr. Corman: Yes, doctor.
Janitor: Maybe it’s just me, but… I wouldn’t put up with that.
Mr. Corman: I’m listening.
Mr. Corman: I thought that we could head over to my tennis club - I’ll show you what’s going on with my serve.
Can you hop a tall fence? I’m a little behind on my dues.
Turk: Sure, a black guy breaking in to a country club. Mm, nothing bad could happen there!
Doug: Elliot, I know everyone thinks I’m this huge screw-up, but I just want you to know that I’m gonna turn it around!
Elliot: Doug! This is a quarantined area!
Turk: Mr. Corman, a nurse said this was a full-on emergency.
Mr. Corman: I just came from the courts. It’s been six weeks since you did my shoulder surgery, and my serve still has no pop. No zip, I tell ya!
Carla: You have to understand that this is a healing process.
Mr. Corman: Who invited Nurse Twitchy?
Turk: Okay, Mr. Corman, for the- How many visits is this?
Mr. Corman: Twenty-seven.
Turk: Okay, for the twenty-seventh time, we’re gonna ask you to do your therapy and just be patient.
Mr. Corman: I have a singles match against my mother on Monday. I lose to her, I lose my pride… I’m assuming these Q-Tips are complimentary.
Episode: 78 My Female Trouble
Neena: No it’s not. In fact, I find myself oddly turned on by your timid, baby horse standing up for the first time style of humping.
J.D.: First of all, thank you. Secondly, I’ve tried to be reasonable, now if you wanna see my dark side, you’re gonna see my dark side.
(J.D. starts softly tickling Neena)
J.D.: Ah tickle tickle tickle. Ah tickle tickle tickle tickle.
Neena: Yet another strong moment for ya.
J.D.’s Narration: No matter how much we like to pretend otherwise, strong confident women will always have the power over us. Whether they’re fighting for respect, fighting for their man, or even just fighting for the hell of it. Strong women make all guys feel the same way.
The three women walking down the hall, past the guys who turn into little boys.
Little Cox:
Little Turk: I have to pick up Carla’s dry-cleaning.
Janitor: Well, what do we have here?
Little J.D.: Oh, no.
Janitor: I heard from a reliable source that you want to live in dumpster. I can arrange that. Yep, I know just the right neighborhood.
Elliot: Look, I did what I had to do to treat this guy. And as far as me being scared about you telling him that I’m full of crap? Hey Jerkwad! I’m Dr. Reid!
Mr. Summers: What?!
Dr. Cox: I should have known, Barbie. Hell, you have been impersonating a doctor since the first day you got here.
Carla: Look, Turk. I know you feel like you did right by him, but you have to acknowledge that Mr. Corman here feels like you let him down.
Mr. Corman: You know what? I don’t feel that way. I know you did the best job you could. But there’s something that you should know about me. People hate me. But in tennis, they’re forced to interact. So for three hours, two Sundays a month, I have friends. You know what I mean?
Carla: So what you’re saying is that even though you think my husband did a great job, you’ve decided to crush his spirit by putting a permanent black mark on his medical record over a tennis game?
Mr. Corman: I fear I’ve said too much.
Mr. Corman: Hey. There’s no pie here. Oh my God! Oh, you two are going to kill me!
Carla: Nobody’s going to kill you.
Turk: Hi, I’m Dr. Nobody.
Mr. Corman: Oh, I see. This is your Hippocratic Oath? Schoolyard threats? Seriously, is there no pie?
Elliot: Why are you being nice to me?
J.D.’s Narration: And that’s when I realized I would never be strong enough to break Neena’s hold over me. I needed help. I needed someone who was even scarier than she was. I needed a real witch.
Janitor: Summers, I think we can save your foot.
Elliot: It’s his heart.
Janitor: I know that. We’re concerned about your ticker.
He starts cleaning a smudge on the window
Elliot: Ahem!
Janitor: Ah, yes. Yes yes. Well, your paper script looks good. But, I’m going to have to listen to that heart of yours… Well, I’m afraid I was wrong. We’re going to have to take that foot.
Carla: And you! Why do you want everybody in this hospital to be as miserable as you?
Dr. Cox: How could you not get this? What does misery love?
Carla: Alright, look-
J.D.: Company! Misery loves company! Misery loves company…
Carla: Oh God…
Janitor: Hello. I’m Dr. Reid. Dr. Elliot Reid. I’m a doctor.
Elliot: Okay, who wants to be me? Craig, you’re probably still mad at me. Anyone else?
Todd: Dr. Reid. At your service.
Elliot: Okay, that’s a no for Todd.
J.D.’s Narration: Sure, Dr. Cox and I were feeling guilty. But if Turk didn’t want to talk about it, we were in the clear.
Carla: May I have a word with you two?
J.D.: Wait, hold on Turk! Haven’t you ever heard of keeping your enemies closer? I was just keeping her closer!
Mr. Summers: Enough is enough. I want to meet this Dr. Reid!
Elliot: No problem… Frick!
Carla: And you reminded him that people are basically good.
Flashback
Dr. Cox: People suck. They suck. And make no mistake about it, even sweet little old ladies are looking to bend you over a chair in court. Come on.
Dr. Cox: We covered people.
Carla: And I know you would never do anything to ruin his innocence.
Flashback
Dr. Cox: You see, there’s a compartment in the hat. So the stinkin’ rabbit is actually in there the whole time. Right?
Elliot: Hey! That belongs to Dr. Reid!
Mr. Summers: So you and Reid…
Elliot: Yes. We’re lovers. Red hot lovers.
Mr. Summers: I’m guessing he’s married.
Elliot: She doesn’t understand him like I do.
Mr. Summers: I love this guy.
Elliot: Not like I do.
Mr. Summers: When the hell am I getting out of here?
Elliot: Dr. Reid thought you might ask that and he had an answer for you. Shut your cakehole.
J.D.: Okay, fine, why don’t you just tell me how this ends?
Neena: You won’t break up with me, you will betray your friend.
J.D.: What is this, some kind of lawyer mind trick? It’s not gonna happen!
Neena: Sit down.
J.D.(Sits down): I won’t, I’m leaving.
Neena: You’re going to have sex with me.
J.D.(Taking off his shirt): I’ll do nothing of the sort.
Neena: And as the ultimate act of betrayal, you will do it on the very same sweat and tear-soaked table where I crushed your friend.
J.D.: Oh, I hate a dirty table.
Neena: You love a dirty table.
J.D.: God help me, I do. I do love a dirty table.
Carla: Now don’t you let anything else get into that beautiful head of yours. Okay?
Turk: What could get into this man’s head, baby? Huh?
Dr. Cox: Tough day, huh? You wanna talk about it?
Mr. Summers: Now, how about you be a nice little nurse and go find my doctor.
Elliot: Actually sir-
Mr. Summers: His name is Elliot Reid. So, what’s the word? This guy any good?
Elliot: Oh, he rocks!
J.D.: Hey Neena.
J.D.’s Narration: God help me, I’m going to miss that smile.
J.D.: I think because of the whole Turk situation we should probably stop seeing each other.
Neena: No.
J.D.: You can’t just say no. No is the answer to a question. And I clearly wasn’t asking a question, Neena. I was making a dramatic statement. And I’m sorry, but that statement was goodbye.
He turns to open the door, but she puts her hand on it. He struggles, but can’t open the door
J.D.: You know, one of us is going to tire eventually.
Mr. Corman: Hey, I want you to know that I still think you’re a great doctor. And I’ve been talking to my rabbi a lot lately about me finally getting circumsized. It’s not a religious thing, it’s-it’s more for the ladies. What?
Neena: So should we start this deposition, or do you boys just want to hand us a big bag of money?
Mr. Corman: Big bag of money…
Turk: You aren’t going to freeze up around her again, are you Ted?
Ted: No chance. I’m drugged up. Plus, if I concentrate, I think I can control the excessive flop sweat I get the second she speaks!
Carla: Christopher Duncan Turk, you tell him how you really feel, just like you told me last night, or I will do it for you. “Baby! Why does he hurt me so bad?”
Episode: 79 My Unicorn
Dr. Cox: Hey, jerk-hole.
J.D./Murray: Yeah?
Dr. Cox: No, new jerk-hole!
Janitor: Hey, buddy. I need you to reconsider Blonde Doctor. And I’m gonna tell you why. See, I’m the future Mr. Blonde Doctor? And I kinda need this to happen so that I can, uh - hey, over here - I need this to happen so that I can just hang out around the house and, you know, bake bread or… gab across the fence with neighbor Marge. Nice lady. Polish, I think. Doesn’t matter, I’m not prejudice.
Interviewer: What the hell are you talking about?
Janitor: Here’s the thing: I need you to take this can of orange soda, turn, smile, and give Blonde Doctor a big thumb’s up! Or, I’m gonna take the same orange soda, follow you down to the parking lot, and smash your head in with it.
Turk: Ladies. I think we’ve learned our lesson.
Turk: I was covered in bees!
Carla: Elliot, wait! Elliot, you did your flirty manipulation thing in front of that guy in there, and now, well, he kinda thinks you’re this despicable floozy ho excuse for a doctor!
Dr. Cox: You do know he’s not yours, don’cha.
Mr. Marks: I figured it out. Mostly because his mother was eight months pregnant when I met her. But there were other signs.
Dr. Cox: ‘Course.
J.D.: Sometimes Dr. Cox is all over me, like every second of my life.
J.D.: Remember? Recently deceased dad?
J.D.: Yes! I mean, yes.
Dr. Cox: Boy, tell me about it. You know, I got this kid who constantly ignores my advice, and then flashes me the sad doe eyes every time I call him a girl’s name or scream in his face.
Mr. Marks: Do you wanna sing about him?
Dr. Cox: No. Not ever.
Mr. Marks: Ah, so maybe I wasn’t the perfect dad. I mean, there were the occasional missed baseball games… And the taking of his college sweetheart to the
J.D.: Can I talk to you for a second?
Speaker: Tower, are you there? I lost an engine!
J.D.: I’m not falling for that crap again!
Speaker: Oh, God! I lost another engine!
Speaker: Oh, there they are! Thanks,
Emcee: On behalf of the honey festival, I would like to thank our two volunteers: Our taster, Elliot… And of course, Christopher, the human honeycomb.
Turk: I thought you meant the cereal! Ow. Ow!
Carla: Okay! I put interview guy in the lounge and told him that Elliot was with a patient. Now. How we gonna fix this thing?
Janitor: You’re okay. The guy wanted an orange soda, right? We bring him an orange soda, maybe the whole thing goes away.
Carla: Okay, here’s the plan: Jordan and I will take care of interview guy. Soft-Scrub, you can do whatever the hell you want.
Janitor: I will.
Elliot: Oh, I’ll just be a sec. Dave, can I get an orange soda? I’m so hot and thirsty.
Dave: It’s on me.
Guy: I’d like an orange soda too.
Dave: Oh, I’m sorry, that was the last one. How sad.
Turk: You have created a monster. Elliot did a little tongue dance in Franklyn’s ear just to get him to do her labs before mine.
Carla: So she used her femininity! The only reason you usually get your lab-work back so fast is because you always pick Franklyn to play basketball, even though he always shoots his foul shots granny-style.
J.D.: Look,
J.D.: Just do what I told you to do.
Murray stretches, pushing his chest out.
Glen: Sweets for the sweet.
Elliot: Okay, so I tried to get some x-rays back from the lab tech by making a kissy face, and he asked me if I had palsy!
Carla: Or in your case, what Dr. Fineberg gave you.
J.D.: Oh, come on, you’re exaggerating.
Mr. Marks: Heeeey, good lookin’! Whaaaa’cha got cookin’? How’s about cookin’ something up with me!
J.D.: Shhh! I love this song.
J.D.: All right, we-what’s the problem with your dad?
J.D.: Oh, come on, no it isn’t!
Several old guys stick their heads out of their rooms and go, “Whaaat?”
J.D.:
Old guys: Whaaaaaat?
J.D.: No, the youngest Murray!
Old
Elliot: Franklyn. I was wondering if you could put a rush on Mr. Lowenstein’s urinalysis? Because I’ve got a really important interview for a fellowship next year.
Franklyn: No. We’re done talking now.
Carla: Elliot. We can help.
Turk: No! No. You will not turn Elliot into some flirtatious manipulator. I mean, don’t get me wrong, outside the hospital, Elliot with her hair up is a slammin’ hottie. But in here she’s an asexual mess. And that’s the natural order of things. And you don’t mess with the natural order!
Carla: Elliot, don’t listen to him, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
Episode: 80 My Best Moment
J.D.: All right, you guys, we still got a lot of work to do. Turk, why don’t you go check the post-op films in radiology; and Carla will transfuse back to a hemoglobin ten; and Elliot, why don’t you take
Turk: Uh, hey, Elliot? Can I talk to you in private?
Elliot: Parlez-vous Français?
Turk: You know, I did learn a little when my high school class went to
Elliot(Translated): Turk, I really think it would make
Turk(Translated):I have… an…
Elliot: What?
Turk(Translated): Grapefruit!
Carla: He figured out that spleen thing, maybe you should get off his case.
Dr. Cox: I would love to get off of his case. In fact, nothing would make me happier than to watch him walk into a patient’s room and not feel that I have to run in after him and check up on everything.
Elliot: I just realized that people here need me to be brave. Just like your dad needs you to be brave for his operation.
Elliot: They’re not actually very big on that.
Elliot: Check this out.
She opens the door to reveal a male intern in there sobbing.
Elliot: Hang in there, Steve.
Steve: In med school, they never teach you how to deal with death-
She slams the door on him.
Elliot: Steve’ll be stronger if he gets through this on his own.
Elliot: Don’t run off on me again,
Elliot: It’s not stupid! Wanna know where I used to hide when I used to get scared? This closet right here. And the one on the second floor. Oh, and there’s also this broken MRI machine down in the basement. It’s like my own private cocoon…
Dr. Kelso: No, son. It’s work. But this body didn’t happen by accident.
J.D.: You know, try and discourage me all you want, because kites fly highest against the wind.
Dr. Cox: What?
J.D.: I’m a kite! I’m a big, beautiful kite! Fly!
J.D.’s Narration: I can’t figure this out. Maybe if we tried stress-dosed steroids? I think I’ll tell Dr. Cox that.
J.D.: I can’t figure this out. Maybe if we tried stress-dosed steroids?
Dr. Cox: Or maybe we could just fill a syringe with false promises and inject him with that. Hm! Says here you already got that one covered!
Dr. Cox: Are you swanning this guy?
J.D.: Look, I really don’t need you checking up on me every five seconds, okay? I’m a doctor, and I have as much medical expertise as anyone in this place… Now what exactly is swanning?
Dr. Cox: What?!
J.D.: I’m kidding. Enough of the backseat doctoring - I got this.
Dr. Mickhead: Dammit!
Carla: Little club soda will take that right out.
Dr. Mickhead: Thanks, Carla!
Carla: You’re welcome, doctor.
End Flashback
Dr. Cox: Carla? What’s goin’ on up there?
Carla: I’m sorry, I was just thinking about the last time a doctor actually listened to me.
Laverne: Dr. Reid. Would you sign this for me, please?
Elliot: Sure! So… what are you doing this weekend, Laverne?
Laverne: Minding my own business. How ’bout you?
Elliot: Hopefully lighting the crap out of Saint Martha’s auditorium!
Laverne: Yippee.
Carla: Hey, J.D. Turns out Mr. Milligan doesn’t have insurance. Dr. Kelso said once he’s stable we have to bounce him to County. Sorry.
J.D.: Turk! Hey! If you go talk to Kelso for me, I’ll give you this special Christmas gum.
J.D.’s Narration: Okay, this is actually Mrs. Cross’s medicated denture gum? So you have to sell it with your eyes. Sell it… Sell it…!
Turk: Okay.
J.D.: Damn, his cultures are back, he’s not septic.
Dr. Cox: Well, I’d start him on Dopamine.
J.D.: Already done.
Dr. Cox: Well, I’d scan his head.
J.D.: I already ordered it.
Dr. Cox: Well, I’d definitely give Mrs. Cross her teeth back.
J.D.: That I will not do!
Elliot: Well, uh,
Carla: Hey, Elliot? Would you keep an eye on
Elliot: Hi! Yeah, I’m not that great with kids. They’ve got such tiny hands. It’s creepy.
Carla: I’m leaving now.
Dr. Cox: Newbie! You never promise a patient that they’re gonna be fine!
J.D.: Mr. Milligan? His blood pressure’s a little low; he just has mono.
Dr. Cox: Oh, for God’s sakes, Newbie, take a look around, would you please? What’s the difference between your Mr. Milligan and every other patient in this I.C.U.? And if the answer to that question is that he’s the only one young enough to have never made a phone call like this: “Brring! Hello? Operator? Give me (old man hacking),” then you’d be right. But since I’m not in the mood to make some big, dramatic, sweeping statement, I’ll just tell you this: God hates doctors, He truly does. You see all these old people in here? Well, any of ‘em would give just about anything to be able to sashay off this planet, but most of ‘em are gonna stay and they’re gonna live forever and ever and ever. And your Mr. Milligan, well, it turns out he’s just young enough to die. I mean, think about it: It’s the holidays, there’s a sweet little kid involved. Can’t you just feel it?
Dr. Cox: Phyllis. Outside. What the hell was that in there?
J.D.: Agh! That’s one more point for Mrs. Cross. But let’s see how she enjoys her beloved hard candy without… her choppers!
Episode: 81 My Ocardial Infarction
Janitor: Yeah! Well, you win! Heh.
Ted’s Band: Woo.
Elliot: Your-your band didn’t even sing yet.
Ted’s Band: Aww.
Janitor: There’s no need. You win!
Ted’s Band: Woo.
Carla: Baby. What’s going on with you?
Turk: Ever since I got this thing? I’ve been joking around about it, sneaking cookies, and hiding from it. All because I’m scared to ask myself the questions: Is it gonna get worse? Or are our kids gonna have it? Or how old am I gonna be when it finally gets me?… You don’t understand.
Carla: I don’t understand? Turk, look at me, I’m a WOD.
Turk: I keep trying to tell you this, but it’s the mirror in the bathroom, baby. You haven’t gained a pound since I met you!
Carla: No, I’m a WOD - Wife Of Diabetic.
Elliot: J.D., you’ve been the golden boy around here for the past three years while I have cried in closets and hid from Dr. Cox and relied on you every single day to get me through it. I mean, now that I am finally doing well enough to pay you back, maybe you can tell me why you’re being such an unbelievable jerk?
J.D.: Because you’re the one that’s supposed to struggle - not me.
J.D.: I just, I don’t know what to do when everything goes wrong at once. It’s-it’s-it’s overwhelming.
Elliot: You wanna know what my big secret is? Just take one big breath. Everything will slow down and you can just tackle each thing as it comes.
J.D.: That’s your big secret? Breathing?
Elliot: Why do you have such a problem with me teaching you stuff?
J.D.: It’s just that you’re a little smug.
Elliot: You called yourself Dr. Diagnosis and made me your side-kick.
Janitor: I don’t know, this whole Blonde Doctor situation has me mortified. I’ve gathered the brain trust here to help me figure a way out of this.
Randall: Uh-oh, bro. There she is.
Janitor: That’s not hobbling, that’s-that’s… poking.
Laverne: Honey bear! You look blue. Have a cookie.
Carla: Nah-ah-ah, Laverne. No more jackin’ up my man’s blood sugar just so you can buy yourself a camper.
Turk: So this is all a big joke to you guys? ‘Cause this is my life, and I don’t think it’s funny.
Laverne: Now I gotta try to get back in on that craps game in the basement.
Carla: Why is my stapler on the floor?
She bends over to retrieve it, Todd stepping from around the corner for a look.
Todd: Thonnnnnnnng!
Carla whips around and slaps him.
Todd: Face-five! Oh, yeah!
Turk: Oh, you taught Todd the slap thing?
Carla: Nope.
J.D.: If you could just help me with these train wreck codes.
Dr. Cox: You’re finally at that stage where you and your equally undistinguished colleagues have all had enough training to be able to help each other. So no matter how humiliating it may seem, if you know somebody who’s better than you - and I’m bettin’ that you do? - you had best tuck that ridiculously feminine tail of yours between your legs and go ask her for help. I’m thinkin’ that’s just about it. Yep. I, uh, gosh, I’m all out of speeches. I don’t think I have, uh, another one on me. I… I don’t. The- Oh. These are… my goodbye guns.
He “fires” his fingers in the air
J.D.: Those aren’t real guns.
J.D.: I don’t get it. When did she become a better doctor than me?
Dr. Cox: Probably during one of those countless times you were goofing off?
J.D.: Eh! As soon as I step foot in this hospital, I’m all business.
Flashback
J.D.: Good morning, Dr. Cox! From the world’s most giant doctor!
End Flashback
J.D.: Well, that was outside the hospital.
J.D.’s Narration: I’ve never been a great liar.
J.D.: Lookin’ straight, Bruce.
J.D.’s Narration: That’s why I knew it’d be better for me if I just fessed up to Dr. Cox.
J.D.: Elliot diagnosed Mrs. Kasuba, not me.
Dr. Cox: I know. And your guilty anguish is - it’s delicious. It’s like a little mini-meal between lunch and dinner. Quite frankly, it’s all I can do not to grind pepper on your head.
J.D.: Acute intermittent porphyria! I figured it out! All right, who’s got Dr. Cox’s pager number? Oh, who’m I kidding, I’ve got my Perry’s Pager Song.
J.D.’s Narration: “Dr. Cox at my door, pager 324.”
Turk: Okay, fine, I’ll try. One condition: Gimme some!
She “slaps” him just as Dr. Kelso and Ted approach
Ted: Oh my God!
Dr. Kelso: I think it, and she does it!
Janitor: Hey, I’ll, uh, join you for a cup of mud.
Elliot: Great! Meet me downstairs in five minutes.
Janitor: I’ll be there. Just let me wash this, uh, glue off my hands.
J.D.: What was he gluing?
He picks his hands up off the keyboard, only to have it stick.
J.D.: Not again.
Episode: 82 My Lucky Charm
Dr. Cox: Fishing.
Carla: You hate fishing.
Dr. Cox: I went with my friends.
Carla: You don’t have friends.
Dr. Cox: All righty, let’s go for the hat-trick, there, doc.
Doctor: Are you sure?
Jerry: When I was alive, I wish I had lived one day like he lives every day of his life.
J.D.: Dead people don’t talk, Jerry.
J.D.: Well, hey, we’re sorry about the whole incarceration thing.
Billy: No worries. Life’s too short to hold a grudge. But still, you two boys might want to ask yourselves why you contacted the authorities but didn’t have the decency to come and talk to me first. But I should let you two “partners” figure that out. By the way, you’re a gorgeous couple. Good luck to ya.
J.D.’s Narration: My partner and I - yeah, I said it - we had heard that Billy was back, and he was mad.
Billy: I warned ya!
J.D.: What the hell happened?
Billy: He woke up and said something snarky, so I popped him again!
Dr. Cox: Yeah.
Dr. Cox: Fantastic.
Dr. Cox:
Dr. Cox: You’re welcome. Still, now I want more. I-I really do. I want to talk about things. Not-not everything. Not everything. I definitely, definitely don’t want to talk about everything. For instance I don’t need to know when you beat up a woman in the park because her purse is the same color as yours; but things that matter, things that are important to us as a-as a family. And I know… I know that there are guys who bring flowers and that there are guys who write love songs. But,
Dr. Cox:
Dr. Kelso: Perry, believe me when I say I’m proud to welcome you to what I like to call the “seedless grapes club.”
J.D.’s Narration: “Dorian” isn’t hard to hear over the phone. But I didn’t really want to talk about it with Turk. When you have a problem with someone, you tend to talk to everyone except them.
Dr. Cox: I went behind
Elliot: Carla thinks she’s so tough, you know? She’s “been around the block.” She’s “from the block.” Enough about the block! It’s not my fault my family had an orchard.
Carla: For four years I’ve had to listen to Elliot complain about her problems. “My parents are too rich.” “I slept with J.D. again.” “Why can’t I gain any weight?” I have problems of my own! I’m from the block!
Jerry: I wanted to help her, I just wish she could’ve heard me.
Carla: Okay, Jerry, you’re out.
Turk: Well, Elliot, you don’t look too banged up about it - you got your arm around Carla.
Elliot: My hand is stuck in this rat’s nest that she calls hair!
Carla: Dye job!
Laverne: Got it! But, Chopstick, you’re gonna have to buy a new watch. And Carla, you may wanna borrow some of my spray-on hair.
Turk: Heard you guys were fighting.
Carla: We made up.
Janitor: No they didn’t… Chop bustin’. And doc dustin’.
Turk: Billy, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.
Billy: Lads, it was an accident, right? He threw the first punch, then I hit him, he slipped, hit his head on the bar. Now, listen, where I come from, you knock someone unconscious, you stay around, you make sure they’re okay. Right? So, guess what? I won’t be leaving.
J.D.: Well, then, you’re gonna have to deal with me and my partner. I mean, like, my-my partner, not like my-my “partner”.
Episode: 83 My Hypocritical oath
Kylie: My girlfriend Tamyra, from the club? She’s also feeling a little sick, and you’ll never guess what she has.
J.D.: Gonorrhea! I mean… gonorrhea.
J.D.: Hey, Kylie, there you are.
Kylie: Hey! J.D.!
J.D.’s Narration: This is your moment! Grab it! Listen, Kylie… Out loud, you idiot! Out loud!
Dr. Kelso: What the hell are you doing?
Turk: I get to have sex!
Dr. Kelso: I hate this place.
Elliot: Did… did you just call me a colleague?
Dr. Kelso: I did. But I hate my colleagues.
Turk: Dude! You can’t tell her! They won’t let you be a doctor anymore!
J.D.: Who cares! I’d make more money bartending!
Carla: Turk! If we leave right now, I might actually be awake for sex tonight. Just go get my coat… You owe me.
J.D.’s Narration: The only thing you can take solace in is that a girl like her would probably never be interested in you anyway.
Kylie: I can’t believe a cute guy like you doesn’t have a girlfriend. If I was single, I’d totally snatch you up.
J.D.: Would you like to play a game of Hangman?
Kylie: Ugh, I shoulda brought my laptop - I could’ve gotten so much work done.
J.D.: You can bartend online?
J.D.: I can’t believe you make three hundred dollars in tips a night.
Kylie: Mm-hmm. This is why doctors should have tip jars. I mean, I make three bucks for serving a martini, you put your lips on the mouth of a slobbering dead guy and bring him back to life - that’s gotta be worth at least a five spot!
Janitor: So… You don’t want to know the ending of something? I can relate to that.
Dr. Cox: What is that in your lap?
Janitor: Leonard! Half kitten, half monkey!
J.D.: Your test results, let’s see what’s going on. Your gram stain shows that you have… you have gonorrhea… We should probably test Kylie to see if she’s infected.
James: Oh, no, we haven’t slept together… yet. It’s not like I’m missing out - shoot, I probably got it from my secretary. Or that trainer from the gym. Ooh, or this fine chick, Tamyra, that bartends with Kylie? Yeah.
J.D.: Well, we should probably get-get you fixed up, or things might start falling off of ya.
Kylie: Mmm! You coulda used J.D. at Seton Hall!
Turk: Oh, also, the soup kitchen where you volunteer called, and they said- You played ball at Seton Hall?
James: All four years.
Turk: Get outta here!
J.D.: Did-did-did the soup kitchen where I volunteer have a message?
Turk: Yeah, they’re out of broth. So what was like playing college ball?
James: Oh, man, it’s bett-
Kylie: Sweetie, I’m gonna go to the cafeteria and get you a coffee.
James: Oh, okay.
Turk: Hell, no! Sweetie ain’t drinking no cafeteria coffee! Sweetie, you are drinking the coffee from the doctors’ lounge! Let’s. Seton Hall, huh? That is…
J.D.’s Narration: Give her a compliment. Tell her she has a huge ass!
J.D.: You-
Kylie: What happened to your eye?
J.D.: Oh, this, it’s a little embarrassing. I was playing baske-
Turk: Embarrassing for me, actually, see… It’s wing-man time… We were playing basketball, and he scored eight buckets in a row on yours truly.
J.D.: Yeah. I ally-ooped him.
Turk: Shut up.
Dr. Cox: I don’t have any idea how they might have gotten in here, Bob. But I can tell you this: If you think I’m missing the biggest game of the year, you got another thing-
Dr. Kelso: I hate to interrupt you, but I’m still feeling a little woozy from being shot into my wall like a lawn dart. So why don’t you just go work your shift and use my VCR to tape the game?
Dr. Cox: When did you get this?
Dr. Kelso: Right about the time we couldn’t afford that M.R.I. machine.
Dr. Cox: Ah, of course you did.
Ted: Here’s the key to Kelso’s office.
Dr. Cox: And here’s Nurse Tisdale’s phone number.
Elliot: Dr. Kelso, I have thought about it, and I am not going to just stand around and wait for Mr. Chang to die.
Dr. Kelso: Excuse me?
Dr. Cox: Are you kidding me? Barbie going toe-to-toe with Big Bob in a battle of the annoyings? Well, happy birthday to me!
Elliot: We should do an exchange transfusion.
Dr. Cox: And the southpaw with the blonde bangs and the big britches comes out sa-winging!
Dr. Kelso: Sweetheart, the man is seventy-two and in multisystem organ dysfunction. It’s done! It’s parasites one, person zero! And if you tell that family he’s got a chance, all you’re doing is raising their hopes.
Dr. Cox: Ohhh! Tremendous body blow!
Dr. Kelso: Oh, and for the record, we’re not colleagues. I don’t care what you think.
Dr. Cox: Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! And the fight goes to the stocky middleweight from
Dr. Kelso: By the way, Perry, Mickhead called in sick. I need you to work tonight.
Dr. Cox: Well, yeah, that’s well and good, but I’m not available.
Episode: 84 My Quarantine
Kylie: Let’s go.
J.D.: Kylie, wait. I paid Steve fifty bucks and an I.O.U. for another hundred and twenty to fake a heart attack. I just-I really wanted tonight to go well.
Kylie: Is there anything else?
Danni: Adios, assface.
J.D.: I had sex with her. A lot.
Kylie: Why are you telling me this?
J.D.: If I don’t come clean now, whether it’s a few weeks or months or years from now, I know it’s gonna come back to haunt me and ruin us, and I don’t want that.
Kylie: I’m not looking for a project.
J.D.: Yeah… I understand. It’s…
Kylie: So get it together. Now let’s go get some coffee.
J.D.: Now, keep an eye on the bum’s vitals. I gave him enough sedative to put down a rhino.
(Elliot notices the unconscious bum)
Elliot: Wow, he is really out.
J.D.: A mild sedative fell into his juice box.
Carla: Give him a break! What if you found out
Dr. Cox: Oh, fair enough. Uh, hey, everyone! In the brief eighteen months that Jordan and I weren’t together, how many of you had your way with her?
(Just about everyone raises their hands, except J.D., who tries to look innocent.)
Dr. Cox: Bear in mind, I’m gonna need absolute honesty here or I will brain you.
(When Kylie’s attention is turned, J.D. quickly sticks his hand up.)
Dr. Cox: Anyway, whoever taugh