Scrubs Season 3
Episode: 47 My Own American Girl
Dr. Cox: Now, I would’ve never figured it out unless you guys had done the leg work. You four deserve all the credit, really… Mrs. Farr, Dr. Cox has saved the day! Don’t ya just love it?
J.D.’s Narration: It feels good to work as a team and gather all the pieces of the puzzle together so we can finally look Mrs. Farr in the face and tell her… we still don’t know what the hell she has.
Dr. Cox: But, still, I’m starting to think it would be smart if you and I were to bury the hatchet. What do you say, there, Bob?… Come, on, handsome!
Dr. Kelso: Listen up, ace: You will always be a royal pain in my ass, and I will always be waiting for the day when I get to jam that knife into your side once and for all; and you know it as well as I do!
Dr. Cox straightens Kelso’s nose.
Dr. Kelso: Much better, thanks!
Dr. Cox: You’re welcome.
Dr. Kelso: People don’t change, Perry.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, so you’re going to sock me again. Good God, Perry, at a certain point you’re just beating up an old man.
Dr. Moyer: I’m head of the radiology department. You call me in from home to do an abdominal CAT-scan that could wait until Monday morning? Well, guess what? It’s not happening.
J.D.: Look, Dr. Moyer-
Dr. Moyer: THESE ARE MY MACHINES!
Carla: Sir-
Dr. Moyer: MY MACHINES!
Turk: Whose machines?
Dr. Moyer: MY MACHINES!
J.D.: How is that helpful?
J.D.: Dr. Cox, I managed to get some tests done on Mrs. Farr…
Dr. Cox: Look, Gwyneth, you’re old enough now to hear this from me: Every time I go out of my way to help you children, I get nothing but trouble. Now this is the first five minute window I’ve had in the last week to be with my son. And I’m just not gonna have you pirouetting around in here while my heart is breaking inside.
J.D.: Sorry.
Dr. Cox: Thank you for that.
Turk: I don’t understand how you think you can get this cardiologist to do an echo-cardiogram for us.
Carla: I’ve worked in the Cath. Lab before - I understand how these guys think. Plus I had a one-nighter with him a long time ago.
Turk: Okay! Oh-ho-ho! You’re telling me this guy in here got tasty treats?
Carla: Turk! I worked here eight years before you showed up - I had sexual needs.
Turk: Okay, first of all, that’s disgusting.
Laddy: See, because of the way I laid on top of you, I can tell people this is an x-ray of Siamese twins! How cool is that!
J.D.: It’s so cool, Laddy, let’s never talk to anyone about it, ever!
J.D.: Look, I know you’re the only x-ray tech on tonight, all right? But I just need a quick abdominal scan to make sure Mrs. Farr doesn’t have an obstruction.
Laddy: Uh-uh-uh! Don’t want to know who they are! Don’t want to know how they’re doing! Just wanna go “click-click!” and get ‘em out of here! Now, your lady’s about forty people down on the list. And as always, uh, there are no cutsies.
Dr. Cox: That’s, uh, that’s my son.
Prisoner: He’s adorable. Can I keep it?
Dr. Cox: No, no you-you certainly may not! Bad man.
Turk: She wanted to come back and help. And I wasn’t gonna let my baby be here all alone with all sorts of guys eyeballing her privates and whatnot.
Carla: If you can’t muster up some sincere jealousy, don’t even bother.
Sean: I thought you hated this place ’cause of that time you–you got sick here?
Elliot: You remember that?
Sean: Y-you got sick on my face…
Elliot: Oh, no, that wasn’t the smoothies - you just said you thought you were falling in love with me, and sometimes when I get really uncomfortable I hurl.
Sean: I know, I get-I get a little, uh… gassy.
Elliot: You know what I realized when I was dragging my car door around? I cannot remember the last good thing that happened to me at this place. I mean, what is it about me that makes everybody walk all over me?
Carla: No self-confidence.
Turk: You could be a baby sometimes.
J.D.: Your voice gets really high when you’re upset.
Elliot: Rhetorical question, okay?
Carla: Well, he didn’t know I was engaged, so he asked me out to a movie tonight.
Turk: Well, if he’s paying, give a brother some Snow Caps!
Carla: Turk, why don’t you ever get jealous?
Turk: Woman, look at me! How can someone with all of this here be jealous of any of that out there!
Carla: Hey. You guys know that unbelievably handsome new anesthesiologist?
J.D.: Yes.
Turk: No.
J.D.: No.
Dr. Cox: Ohh… Come on, Bob, I can’t even remember the last time I saw my son, and you-you-you’re a father, for God’s sake; you understand, don’t you?
Dr. Kelso: My son was recently kicked out of his Hari Krishna sect for being too much of a hippie, and is currently residing in the
J.D.’s Narration: Elliot’s unlucky streak continued with the head of the radiology department.
Elliot: Dr. Moyer. Uh, you told me my patient had colitis, and it turns out it was just traveler’s diarrhea?
Dr. Moyer: So? Sounds like good news.
Elliot: Yeah… He took it as bad news, maybe ’cause of the unnecessary colonoscope I shoved three feet up his pooper?
Dr. Moyer: What do you want me to do?
Elliot: Uh, apologize to my patient and tell him it was your mistake, no big deal?
Dr. Moyer: Think I’m gonna pass on that one. See, I got you pegged as one of those spineless types that’s not gonna cause me any trouble no matter what I do. So, thanks for stopping by, and don’t forget your car door.
Elliot: I just didn’t want it to get stolen, okay?
J.D.: So, Dr. Cox, can you, uh, look at her chart?
Dr. Cox: Newbie, did you not see what just happened? Kelso is so far up my ass that I can taste Brylcreem in the back of my throat.
Dr. Kelso: Perry, great news: I managed to swing it so that you get to go over to the state pen. today and do the annual inmates’ physicals!
Dr. Cox: Well, hell’s bells, Bobbo, if you want to fire me, just do it!
Dr. Kelso: I would, but even though this room was quite crowded when you sucker-punched me, apparently nobody saw it happen.
Ted snickers under his breath and Kelso glares at him.
Ted: Uh, saw what happen, sir?
J.D.: Ahh, I cannot figure out what’s wrong with Mrs. Farr. I gotta go ask Cox.
Turk: Why won’t you ask me?
J.D.: You’re a surgeon - you just cut people up, you don’t actually know anything.
Turk: Oh, yeah.
Carla: Mrs. Farr is still having acute abdominal pain.
Mrs. Farr: So, what’s wrong with me, doctor?
J.D.’s Narration: Oh, good Lord, I have no idea. Okay, don’t panic, just do what all doctors do in this situation and fake a page.
J.D.: Uh-oh. Got a Code 3 down the hall.
Mrs. Farr: What’s that?
J.D.: Uhhh, Code 3? Not as bad as a Code 4, but a hell of a lot worse than a Code 2!
Elliot: Oh, my God! Isn’t she beautiful! I mean, this car has totally maxed out my credit, but my self-esteem’s been so low lately that I think it’s worth it. Don’t you?
Delivery Guy: I just deliver the cars.
J.D.’s Narration: …Surgical and Medical still play each other in basketball.
Surgeon: I’m gonna toast you so bad, your momma ain’t even gonna recognize you!
J.D.: Yeah? Well I heard that your sister started drinking again!
J.D.’s Narration: I’m still not great at smack-talk.
J.D.: So, it’s not supposed to be true?
Turk: No. Ohhh, let it pour, big guy.
Dr. Cox: Well, Zsa Zsa. Now you’ve put me in quite the pickle. You see, with those earphones on, you can’t hear me; but! the odds are highly against you cracking open that yapper and annoying me today. So, what to do? What to do? What to do? Ahh, hell-(he yanks the earphone out of J.D.’s ears) Stop addressing me as “Dr. Cox” in front of your patients. When they find out my actual name, they tend to page me with questions when they realize just exactly how inept you really are. Oh, and as an added safety measure, from now on, I’ll only be responding to Doc, Doctor, Ceasar, or The Big Cheese, and noooo, I’m not joking. Not now, not ever.
Episode:48 My Journey
Janitor: Nurse Espinosa, I feel bad about what happened before; and so I went and searched through like forty bags of garbage… And I found the torn off urine label. Also found half a tooth.
Laverne: Over here, jumpsuit!
Carla: Mr. Thomasberg, let’s get you to the lab!
Dr. Cox: Hey, studly! Now, when you were out rooting through the dumpster, you didn’t stumble across your own testicles, did’ja?
Janitor: Hey, you know that long line of trembling peons that are so afraid of you? Well I’m not in that line.
Dr. Cox: Oh, you’re not?
Janitor: No. I’m not in anybody’s line.
Laverne: This is a Chicklet!
Janitor: I gotta go.
Turk: What really freaks me out, though, is the thought of being that open with another guy - any guy. I don’t know what it is, I mean that’s just the way I been my whole life. Maybe… maybe it’s because I’m scared, you know?
Mr. Quinn: Dude… that’s a little gay.
Mr. Quinn: So, what makes you so uncomfortable? Is it the sex?
Turk: Don’t get me wrong - I don’t love the idea of kissing anyone with a mustache. That’s why I always pretend to have a cold when Carla’s aunt comes to town.
Elliot: You know what? I am just going to show Sean that he will always come first.
Dr. Cox: Gosh, I hate to interrupt this one-gal pep-rally, there, Barbie, but I give this guy two weeks - three if you are just terrific in the sack.
Elliot: Well, then it’s three! I mean: You’re wrong!
Dr. Cox: You know I just, uh, I just got off the phone with Jordan, who told me that my son rolled over for the first time…
Elliot: Oh, my God! That’s so great!
Dr. Cox: Big who cares! Not about Jack rolling over for the first time, but definitely about your reaction to my son rolling over for the first time. Point being that I missed it because I was here. You might want to get a pen out and write this down, because here comes the inside scoop: The hospital comes first. Always.
Elliot: Always?
Dr. Cox: Forever and ever. D’aaaaaaaaaaaand ever and ever and ever and ever - You gettin’ this?
Elliot: Soooo… thanks to you, Sean blew me off; but I’m okay. Old Elliot would have gone into a tail-spin, but new Elliot’s just gonna get him back, because new Elliot is a fixer. Like, that guy over there - if his stitches lifted and his spleen ruptured, I would just go over… and fix them!
Guy: My spleen is going to rupture?
Elliot: Relax, you’re fine.
Turk: Whassup?
J.D.: Oh, nothing - I just found out my favorite chips cause anal leakage and, oh, I’m not talking to you.
Dr. Cox: How did you get him to stop talking to you?
J.D.: I don’t get it, man. All I wanted to do was take you to dinner, and you made me feel like a total idiot.
Dr. Cox: Wait a minute, I always make him feel like an idiot.
Turk: Why you making a big deal about this?
J.D.: You never tell me how you feel!
Dr. Cox: Aw, dammit all! I never tell you how I feel.
J.D.: I’m not talking to you!
Dr. Cox: Finally!
Dr. Kelso: Nurse Espinosa. I specifically requested that you transfer Mrs. Merchant to the Morning Side Nursing Home. I’d take her there myself, but then I’d run the risk of bumping into my mother, and the last thing I need is to have another conversation about why she shouldn’t have to spend her golden years in a bunk-bed. Now, either do the job we pay you for, or I’ll find someone else who will! Oh. Have a great day!
Guy: I’m telling you, it was a clip-board. It came right out of the sky!
J.D.: I’m sure it did, sir.
Turk: Ever since I got engaged, he’s been acting crazier than my fiancee. Although… Carla is going a little nuts about the dress. Dude, what’s up with
Mr. Quinn: Dude!
Turk: That’d make you gay.
Mr. Quinn: I am gay.
Turk: Neat!
Dr. Cox: Never underestimate just exactly how uncomfortable this makes him.
J.D.: I apologize for that. (To Mr. Quinn) To you. (To Turk)Not you! I thought we were friends! (to Mr. Quinn) Again, not you and me; me and… him. Anyway, have a nice day - you! Not you!
Dr. Cox comes in as J.D. walks out
J.D.(to Dr. Cox): Nor you!
Dr. Cox: Oh, hey, this whole you-leaving-the-room-whenever-I-enter-it thing that you’re doing is just… I love it!
J.D.: You invited The Todd?
Turk: Dude, we left at the same time. I didn’t know what to say to him.
J.D.: But I thought we were gonna, like, reminisce tonight, you know? Get a little deep?
Turk: Me too. I’m totally bummed out, all right?
Todd: Oh, that was the hottest slap I’ve ever gotten! I can’t believe I wasn’t gonna come out tonight! Thanks for twisting my arm.
J.D.’s Narration: In a hospital, every day is made up of little battles.
Carla: Can I have everyone’s attention please? I officially don’t care anymore who peed in this jar!
J.D.’s Narration: Sometimes you fight them not because you want to, but because you have to…
Carla comes back and picks the container up again
Carla: Shut up.
Janitor: Hey, you know, I-uh, it’s not any of my business, but I think I know whose wizz that is.
Carla: I love you! Okay, go.
Janitor: Uh, his name is Mr. Freely.
Carla: First name?
Janitor: I.P.
Carla: “I.P. Freely”?
Janitor: Funny in third grade, funny now.
Carla: Listen, Stretch, if you know who this belongs to, I’d ‘fess up right now. Otherwise, I’m gonna grab you by the back of that two-dollar haircut and force-feed you the sample so you can carry it around all day. That way, if I ever want it back, all I have to do is point you at a beaker and squeeze really hard! Now, you got any more funny jokes you gotta tell me?
Janitor: No, ma’am.
Carla: I’m sorry! I just thought that, as a urine lab technician, you’d be at least half as interested in urine as I am!
Elliot: Dr. Cox, I cannot miss this dinner!
Dr. Cox: Oh! Barbie, I-I actually see your point. You should, in fact, go on your little date, because I have some busy work that’s gonna take me over into the vicinity of Mr. Hudson’s room, so I’ll just pop my head in there and tell him that he’s going to die. But, if you have a moment between dinner and giving it away for free, if you could pick up the phone and call Mr. Hudson’s wife and kids and tell them about, you know, the dying…? Oh, I know, sugar. This would be just the most terrific place to work on the planet if it weren’t for all these sick people. Wouldn’t it?
Dr. Cox: Heeee-xcuse me! You wouldn’t happen to be signing out Mr. Hudson to the on-call resident, would you?
Elliot: Eee-yeah, why?
Dr. Cox: He’s your patient, he needs a lumbar puncture, and you can’t necessarily count on the on-call resident to do that, now, can you?
Elliot: It’s just that, Dr. Cox, I’ve got a date with this guy named Sean-
Dr. Cox: Would you do me a personal favor and excuse me just for one moment?
Elliot: Yeah?
Dr. Cox shuts his eyes and snores
Episode: 49 My White Whale
Sean: J.D., it’s no big deal. We both know that it wasn’t about that. Well, you… you like Elliot.
J.D.: Sorry.
Sean: Don’t sweat it.
J.D.: You’re not pissed off? I’d be pissed off. Why aren’t you pissed off?
Sean: I dunno. I guess I just… I don’t see you as that much of a threat.
J.D.: Ohh… Cool.
J.D.: Hey, Sean, you were right about me and my interns. I guess I owe you an apology.
Carla: Damn straight, you do! You know what your problem is, Bambi? You’re-
Turk picks her up and carries her off.
Carla: Oh! Turk! Please? Just one more second? I need the rush! Please? I’m coming back for you!
Bruce performs a beatboxing routine
Elliot: Oh, my God, Bruce! That was amazing! Where did you learn how to do that?
Bruce: In temple.
Elliot: And… the reason that I came back here is because you said that Bruce and I are alike. And you know what? You’re right. Because you’re treating him the exact same way you treated me when I first got here! Dr. Kelso, you only judge us by these, like, twenty-minute, pressure-filled windows that you see us through twice a week, and you-you never get to know us or how hard we really work. Because, if you did, you’d realize that a lot of the times we fail, it’s not our fault - it’s yours.
Dr. Kelso: Is that how you feel, future dentist?
Bruce: W-well… sometimes you make me feel like… I can’t do anything well, and I can do lots of things well!
Dr. Kelso: Like what?
Bruce: I’m a pretty solid human beat-box.
Elliot: Bru-Bruce, I think he was talking about medical… things.
Dr. Kelso: That’s horrible work. Horrible!
Elliot: Dr. Kelso, I do have something to say.
He gives her a blank look.
Elliot: Remember earlier, you asked me if I had something to say?
Dr. Kelso: No!
Elliot: Well, you did.
Dr. Cox: You have kids?
Dr. Norris: One. She hates dolls.
Dr. Cox: Boy, that’s a bummer.
Dr. Norris: Tell me about it.
J.D.: S-sh-I don’t care, Sean! Come on, Turk!
Turk: Hey. I just wanted you to know I don’t have a problem with you, I just can’t resist a good storm-off.
Sean: Oh, who can?
Dr. Cox: Enjoy. I didn’t cut the hand off - I used a different puppet for that.
Dr. Norris: Well, if you want, you could give that one to me and I could fix it. And have it… for the kids.
Turk: Think about it, man. Cox has taught you the most since you’ve been here, right? Do you really think he gives a damn whether you like him or not?
J.D.: I’d like to think so.
Dr. Cox: Out of my way, space-waster!
Turk: I felt the love.
J.D.’s Narration: Catch him and kick him in his junk!
J.D.: S-sh-I don’t care, Sean!
J.D.: Come on, Turk!
Turk: Hey. I just wanted you to know I don’t have a problem with you, I just can’t resist a good storm-off.
Sean: Oh, who can?
J.D.: Look, Brian, if you’re having that much trouble with your case report, I’d be glad to take a look at it for you, pal.
Brian: Cool. Try to have it back by 5.
J.D.: O…kay. I have a lot of things to do…but…
Dr. Kelso: Fantastic, sport. But that’s the brachial artery and it’s not how we draw blood. Now, if we need to inject him with heroin, you’ll be the first one I call.
Elliot: Dr. Kelso…
Dr. Kelso: What is it, Dr. Reid? Do you have something to say?
Elliot: …No.
Dr. Kelso: You know, son, you remind me of her so much, you’re just a break-down in the supply closet away from being the same person!
Elliot: So, how are your interns doing?
Doug: Hey, yeah, it still burns a little, but at least I can hear okay.
Carla: Hm?
Carla: I like to think I’ve learned when to hold back.
Carla: You’ve totally lost sight of what’s important, here. You are a parent now, okay? You don’t come first anymore-
Jordan: No.
Carla: You’ve got to do what’s best for your son, even if it means sucking up to the one doctor on earth who’s more obnoxious than you are.
Carla: Oh, my God. I loved doing that so much, it makes my hand shake a little!
Dr. Cox: Mmmmgh! Norris hasn’t budged, and he just moved the appointment back to six, the rat-bastard!
Elliot: You be nice to the teacher, okay? I’m sleeping with him… Oh, my God! I haven’t said that since college!
Elliot: The kid’s a good doctor, he just… falls apart every time Kelso looks over his shoulder.
Sean: Well, why don’t you just tell Kelso to back off?
Elliot: I-I’ve taken a lot of positive steps this year but when it comes to standing up to Kelso, I just… I can’t get over that hump yet. He’s like my white whale.
Sean: Yeah… Mine’s Frank.
Elliot: Oh, no, I meant like in ‘Moby Dick’ - Kelso is a giant pain in my ass.
Sean: Oh. Well, thing is, I love Frank. Just… he can drive me crazy every now and then.
Episode: 50 My Lucky Night
Dr. Kelso: So, shall we all just agree that Dr. Steadman is our new residency director and get the hell out of here?
Dr. Steadman: If anyone wants to stop by my condo to celebrate, my husband made sangria!
Dr. Kelso: Mmmmmmmm!
Dr. Cox: Howdy, fell as. Don’t ya-don’t ya dare get up - I don’t want to see any broken hips.
J.D.’s Narration: Pride’s a funny thing…
Janitor: Don’t have kids.
Elliot: Sean! Sean! Okay… Look, I know you hate long-distance relationships, but six months is nothing! I mean, it’ll be hard and we’d be going a long time without sex, but I can totally go that long without sex! Sean, I am a sex camel!
Elliot: Laverne, did you ever notice that in hospitals, even though you’re surrounded by like hundreds of people, it’s still so easy to get lost in your own thoughts?
Laverne: Have you been drinkin’?
J.D.: You can’t make me feel guilty for asking for help. That’s just the way the world works, okay? A-and you know what? Most people actually like helping out the people around them. Take Carla, for instance! Don’t you think she’d do anything in the world to help out Turk, no matter what the situation?
Carla: Look! He didn’t apologize! So just back the hell off, okay! He messes up and I’m the one who gets…….
J.D.: You know what? Okay? This never would have happened if my Hairmet hadn’t gotten stolen at your stupid suck-up fest last night! Now, I took the liberty of writing the recommendation you promised me. All you have to do is sign right below where it says, “He makes me proud to be a doctor,” and right above where it says, “P.S. He ain’t too hard on the eyes, either!”
Dr. Cox: Tell me this, there, pippy: Are you allergic to bee stings?
J.D.: I don’t know. Why?
Dr. Cox: Oh, it’s just that it looks so painful and possibly infected that I must flick it!
Carla: But the biggest pain of all is that you know I’d go into that operating room with you if you just apologized; but you’re too stubborn to do that, aren’t you.
Turk: I am now!
Turk: The truth is, you never asked me how I felt about us working together. Plus, you embarrassed me in front of my co-workers. You were a pain.
Carla: You know what? Maybe I was a pain, but do you know how many times you’re a pain and I just let it go? Like when we’re at home and you follow me from room to room, even when I go to the bathroom!
Turk: I like to be with you.
Carla: Pain! Or how you’ve decided that me making eye contact with you is my way of saying, “Please, grab my breasts.”
Turk reaches out.
Carla: Don’t.
Carla: Really?
Turk: Yeah! Yeah. It’s just like in high school - I had this girlfriend who annoyed the crap out of me, but every time she came to one of my basketball games, I played like crazy out of my mind because all of a sudden I was playing for her. I wanted to make her proud. You understand what I’m saying?
Carla: You’re saying I’m so annoying you can’t stand working with me for even two days, but now that you have something to gain, you want me back.
Turk: Exactly. Thank you!
Carla: I didn’t hear an apology anywhere in there!
Laverne: All I heard was nonsense.
Turk: Hey! Hey, Baby! What’s up? You know, I’ve been thinking: that was a lot of fun working together.
Carla: Mm-hmmmm. And how long you been thinking about that?
Turk: Ever since Dr. Wen offered me a gastric bypass because I was so amazing yesterday, and I realized you’re the reason why.
Carla: I can’t tell you how awesome it was just getting to be with you today and watch you work.
Turk: I know, right?
Carla: Yeah!
Turk: But you know what? Schmitty heard that Nurse Green’s been dying to cover surgery, and I said you wouldn’t mind if she took your place tomorrow. Because, between me and you, Schmitty’s been trying to hit that for like a minute, and I had to hook him up! You understand, right?
Carla: Sure. Mm-hmm. I’m… I’m glad we could help Schmitty hit that!
J.D.’s Narration: It was amazing to see how much Dr. Cox actually wanted this job. And how much he was willing to put up with to get it!
Man: So, the wife and I ended up buying Egyptian cotton bed sheets!
Dr. Cox: Gee, you’re too much. What’s the thread count on those bad boys?
Lady: Love your Hairmet.
J.D.: Love yours!
Sean: Elliot, the trip that I’m leaving on tomorrow… it’s actually a lot longer than I let on.
Elliot: What, like three days?
Sean: No…
Elliot: Four days?
Sean: Six months.
Elliot: Five days?
Elliot: I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t tell you that I slept with J.D. and that was a mistake. And, yes, we do talk all the time and have all these inside jokes, and he met my great aunt Sally when she came to the hospital with my demented great uncle who wears an eye patch and goes “honka! honka!” when he poops.
Todd: Sterile high-five.
Carla: You know, Buppy, this guy looks a lot like your waxer!
Todd: The Todd says, What now?
Turk: Nothing! She meant her waxer, ’cause we’re… We’re working, guys.
Dr. Wen: No, no, no. I wanna hear this.
Carla: It’s no big deal. I make Turk wax his chest so he doesn’t give me a rash.
Todd: Oh, okay. Does she also make you wax your vagina?
Turk: Scalpel.
Carla: Scalpel what?
Turk: Scalpel, please.
Carla: Here you go, baby. Sorry: Dr. Baby.
Dr. Wen: Shall we proceed, Dr. Baby?
Elliot: Okay, yes! J.D. and I work together! But it’s not like we’re crazy close! I mean, it’s not like we have all these inside jokes! And we definitely don’t do this…
The phone rings until the answering machine picks up.
J.D.: Good evening, Elliot! This is your great aunt Sally. Are you there?
Elliot: I have to get that.
Sean: Nuh-uh.
J.D.: I guess you’re at Sean’s. Hey, good thing we’re so crazy close, or I wouldn’t know how to impersonate your aunt Sally! By the way, I ran into Eye Patch this morning - said to tell you, “Honka! Honka!
Elliot busts out laughing.
Elliot: It’s just an inside… joke.
Elliot: I cannot believe you’re still angry about this.
Sean: I’m not angry.
Sean rolls up a newspaper and violently whacks at a fly
Sean: ARGH! DIE! DIE, DIE, DIE! ROT IN HELL! I got it.
Dr. Cox: Our nanny just walked out the door. Gimme a break - she’s experienced, she has great credentials…
Turk: Guys, I can’t go!
Todd: “I’ll miss you” high-five!
Todd: Dude. We’re goin’ to the caf. so I can tell all the boys about my date with Strangely Attractive Intern! You in?
Carla: Uhhh, I think that Turk is a little more mature than that.
Turk: She’s right. But still, honey, what I think you’re missing here is that, not only is she attractive, but she’s strangely attractive…
Todd: Dude. We’re goin’ to the caf. so I can tell all the boys about my date with Strangely Attractive Intern! You in?
Carla: Uhhh, I think that Turk is a little more mature than that.
Turk: She’s right. But still, honey, what I think you’re missing here is that, not only is she attractive, but she’s strangely attractive…
Carla: Mmmmmmm. Notice anything different?
Turk: Your tongue went counter-clockwise!
Carla: No! Green scrubs!
Turk: Ohhhh.
Carla: I’m covering for one of the surgical nurses. We could use the extra cash, plus we get to work side-by-side for the next two whole days. Isn’t that great!
Turk is horrified
Turk: So great!
Janitor: Hey. C’mere a sec - we wanna do stuff to you.
J.D.’s Narration: Crap. The Janitor. And he’s with Sloppy Joe Guy! Okay, just distract them before they do whatever they’ve got planned!
Janitor: We were thinkin’…
J.D.: I’ve got a riddle for you!
Janitor:
J.D.: Two coins add up to thirty cents and one of them is not a nickel.
Janitor: So what are they?
J.D.: It’s a riddle. You figure it out.
Janitor:
Sean: You know, it’s always awkward when you run into an ex, isn’t it?
Turk: Tell me about it. I don’t know how J.D. and Elliot do it.
Sean: Do what?
J.D.’s Narration: Oh, no! I’ve got to stop this! Kick him!
J.D. kicks under the table, nearly throwing Carla out of the booth.
Carla: Oh!
Turk: You okay, baby?
Carla: Yeah…
Turk: How they have sex every year and still manage to stay friends…
Elliot: We haven’t actually had a chance to talk about that yet. But thank you.
Sean: So, I’m leaving the day after tomorrow, uh, to work on this project studying the fishing industry’s impact on
Turk: Mmm.
Carla: Ohh.
J.D.(yawns): Fascinating stuff, Sean.
J.D.’s Narration: It’s never fun being the fifth wheel, especially when one of those wheels is Elliot’s boyfriend. Still, I had decided to take the high road.
Sean: Hey, J.D., is this?
Episode: 51 My Brother, Where Art Thou?
Dr. Cox: Well, Mr. Pickles, welcome back.
J.D.: Here we go with this guy again.
Dr. Cox: Yep. Still, it sure is nice to be doing something you love. I wouldn’t trade it. How ’bout you?
J.D.: No…
Dr. Cox: Don’t forget that.
Mr. Bober: Pickles.
Dr. Cox: Damn right, sir. Damn right.
Dan: Hey, listen, Dr. Cox: No offense, I’m a big fan of the tough-guy act, but let me tell you what I really think. I think you love the fact that these kids idolize you. Johnny does! Johnny was always the one in the family we knew was going someplace - sweet kid, smart kid. Becoming a doctor, this is all he ever wanted; and yet, somehow, you’ve found a way to beat that out of him, haven’t you? Turned him into some cynical guy who seems to despise what he does. Dr. Cox, Johnny’s never gonna look up to me. Ever. But he hangs on your every word. So, I’m askin’ - I’m telling you - take that responsibility seriously; stop being such a hard-ass, otherwise you’re gonna have to answer to me.
J.D.’s Narration: Love can give you strength you never knew you had.
Dan: It was good seeing you, Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: Good to see you, Dan. All the best.
Dan: Hey, Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: Oh, here I’d been told you left. It made me happy.
Dan: Yeah, you don’t like me. People don’t like me. You know why? I’m a “screw-up”, always “have been”. For instance, when we were kids, Mom would always make me walk Johnny to school first day every year. Every year, I’d walk him to the wrong school! Just ’cause!
Dr. Cox: Boy, that’s a great story, really. And I’m sure you were just a horrible big brother-
Dan: Well…
Dr. Cox: -but I’m afraid you have me confused with somebody who gives a crap. And it’s okay, you don’t need to be embarrassed, turns out it happens all the time. For instance, my father actually made the same mistake on his death bed.
Carla: Dr. Kelso, even though we’re understaffed and underpaid, I’ve been working here for ten years! I mean, all day long? All I hear is “Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla… Carla… Carla.”
Elliot: Sir, what-wh-what Carla is saying, and not in any kind of crazy or, uh, rambling sort of way…
Dr. Kelso: Why are you here?
Elliot: My boyfriend is in
Carla: My wedding’s costing twice as much as I thought it would, and I need the extra cash.
Ted: Baxter won’t get out of my chair.
Janitor: Aaaaaagggghhhhh-hagghh! Gah! Those are definitely broken! Why did you do that!?
Dan: Gee, I dunno.
Janitor: Who are you?
Dan: Waiting for my brother.
J.D.: Hey, Dan.
Janitor: Well, isn’t that perfect. You send your brother in to do the dirty work, huh? And with an open fly, no less!
Both brothers look down.
Janitor: Made you look. A two-fer! Emergency Room?
J.D.: That way.
Ted: Sir, about Nurse Espinosa and Dr. Reid’s suspensions, really there aren’t any grounds to punish them for moonlighting, because they weren’t working with people - just animals.
Dr. Kelso: “Just animals”? Oh, please, this dog is smarter than most people. He’s definitely smarter than you.
Ted: Sir, I don’t think-
Dr. Kelso: Baxter, sit!
Baxter sits
Dr. Kelso: Ted, sit!
Ted sits
Carla: Ted, you don’t have to!
Ted: Shut up! I can win this!
Dr. Kelso: Baxter, speak!
Baxter barks
Dr. Kelso: Ted, speak!
Ted: Hellooooooooo!
Dr. Kelso: Baxter, left foot!
Baxter raises his left paw
Dr. Kelso: Ted, left hand!
Ted raises his right hand
Elliot: Left hand, Ted.
Lawyer: Hellooooooooooo!
Carla: Okay, I paged Dr. Kelso. Do you feel confident about this, Ted?
Ted: I’m not sure. I don’t know what confidence feels like.
Turk: Besides, why aren’t you at home, apologizing to your brother before he takes off?
J.D.: Turk, you don’t get it, man. Your family was there for you.
Turk: You know, I love how kids of divorce really have the market cornered on family dysfunction. But let me share with you a typical Thanksgiving at the Turk household: It starts with my mother yelling at my sister for yelling at my grandmother who’s yelling at the television screen, which happens to be the microwave. And then my militant brother Jabari - formerly Bob - gives my father attitude for using the word “black”, even though he’s referring to the turkey. Which, by the way, only got burnt because instead of turning the oven off, my bi-polar aunt Leslie tried to shove her head in it. But you know what we do? We kiss… and we hug… and we apologize for all the things we said… ‘Cause a month later, we gonna get together and do it again at Christmas!
J.D.: Hey, thanks for loaning me this shirt, man. I got a lot of compliments from the sistas. Sharon the security guard even called me a cracka!
Turk: Dude, how many time I gotta tell you? Cracker - bad!
Elliot: Look, Carla, I cannot afford to be suspended right now. I’m gonna have to resort to blackmail.
Carla: How are we gonna blackmail Kelso?
Elliot: No, no, no, no, no! Unless you take the fall for both of us, I’m telling Turk you’re sleeping with someone.
Dan: How are your chocolate chip flapjacks, little brother?
J.D.: Chocolate chippity good!
Dan: More whipped cream, Christopher?
Turk: Bring it!
Dan: I just want to say before I hit the road, it’s been great hanging with you; and Johnny, I know I don’t say this nearly enough, but, um… Ooh, coffee’s kicking in. I’ll be back in just under four minutes.
J.D.: But, uh, say hi to
Dan: Yeah, actually, J.D., I don’t think I’m leaving.
J.D.: Why!?
Dan: Well, ’cause I’m worried about you. I mean, hanging with you today and watching you work, with the gomer talk and all the attitude now, I’m not so sure I like the guy you’re turning into. It’s definitely not my little brother.
J.D.: You know what, Dan, once Dad left and Mom started marrying everyone that rang the doorbell, I remember someone saying how lucky I was to have an older brother. But you never came through for me once, did you. I mean, I called you for help because I’m in love with a girl who’s in love with someone else, and you responded by showing up here, drinking all my Bailey’s Irish Cream, and whining about Mom’s new boyfriend. You are a self-involved user, Dan. And you wanna tell me what kind of person to be? I tell you what, instead, why don’t you just get the hell out of my life?
Dan: But we’re brothers. That counts for something, right?
J.D.: Not to me.
J.D.: Well, Dan, what can I say. It’s been, uh, three days…
Dan: Two days.
J.D.: Feels like three.
Carla: Okay, we have another dog coming in. Do you want him or the four cats next door?
Elliot: Oh, I’ll go with the dog. I don’t know what it is, but all cats hate me. I mean, if I even make eye contact with them, they freak out.
J.D.: Can’t we just, you know, put a pillow over his head and put him out of his misery?
Dr. Cox: Not gonna be necessary, seeing as how his temperature is below a hundred. Take him away.
Dan: So, Dr. Cox, how long has my little brother had the desire to smother old people? I feel I should warn Grandma.
Episode: 52 My Advice to You
Carla: And Turk, you don’t mind if every now and then Marco and I speak Spanish to each other, right?
Turk: Baby, fo’shizzle-dizzle. Do your thizzle, ’cause I’m up out this pizzle. Chach! See, we got our own secret language, too. Eh-ha!
Marco(translated): What did he say?
Carla(translated): I have no idea.
Marco(translated): Jackass!
Carla(translated): So when I was a senior in high school, you heard me talking to my friends in English about going on the pill?
Marco(translated): No, I just learned English a few years ago.
Carla(translated): Well, good, because I wasn’t on the pill, and I’m not now. I’ve never had sex. I hope it’s fun.
J.D.’s Narration: I wasn’t sure what I was hoping for… That somehow Danni had decided not to leave… that she’d snapped her leg in the parking lot…
J.D.: DANNI!?
Guy: Yo.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, maybe I wasn’t clear enough with you on Miss Bartow over there.
J.D.: Here it comes. I’m incompetent. I’m a girl. I’m a little girl. I’m a little girl with pigtails that rides a tricycle.
Dr. Cox: No. Well, yes…
Turk: Hey, baby. Gimme some of that minty breath.
Carla: Noooooo, not in front of my brother - that stuff always makes him uncomfortable.
Turk: Oh, really? I just wanted to apologize for the way I’ve been acting by loving you up and down, and all around!
Carla: Turk!
Turk: Baby, he can’t understand you! Now let’s go put some more of your footprints on the ceiling!
Marco: That’s it, you son of a bitch!
Turk: I told ya!
Elliot: Oh, first I’ve gotta discharge Mr. Hale, then get a extropolenscopy on Mrs. Peterson, and then, to be perfectly frank, perform a thong extrication on Ms. Reid.
Doug: Hey, your last name is Reid!
Elliot: Doug. I have underwear in my butt.
Danni: Well, I just wanted to say goodbye. I was gonna stick around for a few more days, but I don’t really feel like that there’s a reason to… Is there?
J.D.: Probably not.
Danni: I’m gonna miss you.
J.D.: I’m gonna miss you, too.
Danni: Dude, we just met - I was kidding.
Elliot: Well, you know the picture of us at the beach, where I actually look good and you think that you look like Bjork?
J.D.: Yeah.
Elliot: Well, I was hoping you wouldn’t mind if I cut you out of it, and used it in a collage that I’m making for Sean?
J.D.: No problem!
Elliot: Thanks!
J.D.: Whoa.
Danni: How’s the whole moving on thing going?
J.D.: It’s going great, Danni! In opposite world!
Elliot: J.D.! You know all those pictures of us from when we were going out? Do you still have those?
J.D.’s Narration: Filed alphabetically in my “Elliot Cabinet”.
J.D.: I don’t know… I might… Why?
Turk: Baby! There you are. He speaks English!
Carla: Who?
Turk: Your brother; he speaks English. Yo, tell her you speak English!
Marco: Que?
Turk: Don’t “que” my- “Que,” my ass! “Que,” my ass!… You were there, and you saw the whole thing. Now you tell her.
Janitor: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
J.D.’s Narration: Of course, if the dynamic does change, it’s never as simple as you’d hope.
Dr. Cox: Hey, Newbie, listen, I got dinner plans with Jordan, and seeing as you’re on-call, whatta you say you pull up a chair, here, in front of Miss Bartow?
J.D.’s Narration: …Especially when it involves someone who’s used to you following their lead.
J.D.: Look, Dr. Cox, I’ll take care of her, and I’ll have my interns help, but you gotta know I have other patients, too, so…
Dr. Cox: Maybe you didn’t understand me, there, Violet. I don’t want you leaving her side, even if someone thinks they saw Justin Timberlake downstairs.
Turk: Queso?
Marco(translated): Man, I am so sick of you.
Turk: I’m sorry, but I… can’t… understand… you!
Marco: Yeah? Well, that talking slower and louder thing is not as helpful as you might think. Geez! Can you believe this guy?
Janitor(translated from spanish): Don’t get me started.
J.D.: Oh! Hey, how are you?
Danni: Good. So, I did it - I talked to my ex.
J.D.: And…?
Danni: And I said, “Congratulations on the wedding, and I hope you two stay happy, and, by the way, size does matter.”
Marco(translated): I bet he’s whining about how I don’t speak English even though he’s never bothered to learn Spanish… For the woman he supposedly loves.
Carla(translated): He’s trying to learn. He’s already got ‘yes’, ‘no’, and ‘cheese’.
Turk: Hey! Somebody say something about cheese? ‘Cause if you gonna make a cheese run, holla at me, dawg!
Carla: Baby, when we left the
Turk: But did you or did you not say something about cheese?
Carla: Oh, hey Turk, why don’t you play the next game with Marco?
Turk: Baby, I-I hate PacMan.
Carla: Really? Because you have bed-sheets that indicate otherwise.
Danni: I don’t mind it at the movies, sitting alone. But eating alone is sad and pathetic.
J.D.: Are you stalking me?
Danni: Nooo. My sister just had a baby, so I’m ?
Episode: 53
J.D.: So say it again.
Danni: No, you have to earn it.
J.D.: I’ll try.
They kiss deeply
Dr. Cox: Oh, for God’s sake, we’re watching a movie here.
Dr. Cox: Kill me.
Janitor(over PA): A quick note for all my comatose listeners out there: all your lovers have moved on. But, if it’s any consolation, my sources tell me they’re happy. Well, snooze, you lose.
Dr. Cox: Please don’t lump us all together with numb-nuts over here.
J.D.: Then what is it?
Danni: Last night I told you I was falling in love with you. And you know what you said?
J.D.: “Thank you”?
Danni: You asked me if I wanted to go get pizza.
J.D.: No… Pineapple pizza.
J.D.: Look, Danni, I know you’re upset about your sister and I-
Danni: J.D., if I didn’t go out with the guys my sister slept with, I wouldn’t have even had a date to the prom.
J.D.: Hey, everybody. This place has dynamite lamb.
J.D.: Wanna hear a great letter?
Jill: No.
Jill: Always fun to be in the bathroom listening to people talk so clearly, you’re sure they just heard you pee. You did, didn’t you.
J.D.: You start and stop a lot.
Dr. Cox: Lovely.
Dr. Cox is reading a letter from J.D.
J.D.: Dear Dr. Cox, I think it’s important that you know how much I care for Danni, and how hurt I was by your attempt to sabotage our relationship.
Dr. Cox: Oh, de-de-de-isn’t it enough that I’m reading it!?
J.D.: Oh, I’m sorry.
Janitor(over PA): Dr. Dorian, Dr. Turk is free for his rectal exam. He said you’d know what that means.
Turk: The point is, baby, whatever happens with this patient, it’s on my shoulders; and it’s the same with Elliot and you know that. That’s what makes your relationship so complicated. Outside this hospital, yeah, you’re the boss of Elliot… and… well, you know… you’re the boss of me and… baby, you’re the boss of everyone - but in this building, Elliot’s in charge.
Carla: Am I really the boss of everybody outside of here?
Turk: Baby, you the boss of everybody in the world.
Carla: Can you believe that Elliot, giving me all that attitude?
Turk: You know, two weeks ago an O.R. nurse with like twenty years experience started telling me I was tying the wrong suture.
Carla: But I bet you listened to her, right?
Turk: Nah, I kicked her ass out the O.R.! Heh!
Carla: But I bet you were nice about it? Right?
Turk: No, I made her cry.
J.D.: Hey, you should know your little cheap shot didn’t land, because Danni isn’t mad at me at all… Hey, Baby! You comin’ to give pop-pop some candy? ‘Cause I’m hungry!
Danni ignores him and boards the elevator.
J.D.: Oh-okay, later’s fine too.
Dr. Cox: Oh, yeah. I mean, I can-I can feel the love all over!
Dr. Cox: Well, we sent some haz-mat guys over to your apartment, but they said there were no signs of pesticides.
J.D.: They also said you mixed art deco with Indonesian antiques. I think that is so daring!
Jill: Aww.
Dr. Cox: Reel it in, Queer Eye.
Carla: I’m so glad! I didn’t want us to stay mad at each other!
Elliot: It’s all my fault! I should never have listened to you in the first place. I mean, I need to be a strong enough doctor to just ignore you when you won’t shut up.
Carla: That’s so sweet.
Janitor(over PA): All available medical personnel, please report to the second floor for a cat fight. Cat fight on the second floor!
Danni: Look, you shoulda told me. But I’m not gonna let things like this mess it up with the guy I’m falling in love with.
J.D.: Oh, thank God! Do you wanna get some pineapple pizza?
J.D.: And, Danni, that whole thing with
Danni: J.D., you keep a sex journal of all your experiences under your bed.
J.D.: Gotta stop showing that to new girlfriends!
Dr. Cox: You know, Danni, I think it’s amazing that you’re actually comfortable dating J.D., what with him having nailed Jordan and all.
Carny: Uh, sorry, folks. A little problem here. Get you down in about an hour or so.
J.D.: I don’t feel so good.
Janitor(over PA): Dr. Tushy, you’re needed in the OR. Nice name, buddy. Beat up in high school much?
Dr. Cox: I’ll tell you what, how ’bout we head right on over there, and if you can raise that hammer above your head with those chicken bones you call arms, I’ll let you take a free whack at my dome.
J.D.: First of all, I already raised the hammer; and the only reason I didn’t ring the bell is that the game is obviously rigged.
There’s a ding at the game
Kid: Woo-hoo!
Dad: Good job, son!
Dr. Cox: Uh-huh.
J.D.: Look, the only positive thing about this whole situation is that it’s driving you crazy and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Another ding comes from the hammer game
Kid: Way to go, Gina!
J.D.: Oh, come on!
Episode No:54 My Friend the Doctor
Turk: Hey, baby. Todd and I are going to the arcade, so I’m a get some quarters out your purse.
Carla: I’m old.
J.D.’s Narration: Others eventually accept who they are.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, well I’m older. Now would you please get me down to my damn car?
Carla: Sure, let’s get your big Irish ass to your car so nobody knows that you hurt your back! Let’s not worry about my back!
Doctor: Goodnight, Efrem!
Janitor: Goo-goo-goo-goodnight… doctor.
J.D.: You know why I wanted that to be you in ‘The Fugitive’? Because it would mean you used to be a guy who had dreams and ambitions; and even though things didn’t work out the way you’d hoped, at least it would explain why you are the way you are and…make you human. But instead, it turns out you’re nothing more than a… a jerk who just likes to mess with people for no reason.
Janitor: “Kimball!”… You tell anybody, I’ll kill ya!
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, I need to get
Elliot: Ahh! When’s her birthday?
Dr. Kelso: I think it was last week.
Elliot: Um… well, a scarf is always nice.
Dr. Kelso: That’s perfect. It’s simple; it’s elegant; and it’ll hide her turkey neck.
Carla: Look, for what it’s worth, instead of marrying a long time ago, I’m marrying a guy who probably won’t be ready to have kids for another ten years! That’ll make me like thirty…grghrghrgh.
Dr. Cox: More like forty-rghrghrghrgh.
Dr. Cox: I’m not-I’m not fighting anything.
Carla: So, even though you have a full head of hair, you still take Propecia because you like the way it tastes?
Dr. Cox: You know, the other day I found a gray hair in my happy trail.
Carla: Is that the patch of hair that goes from your belly button down to your pe-
Dr. Cox: It is, indeed.
Carla: So? You have a gray happy trail! A lot of women find it distinguished.
J.D.: Can you believe her? She says I beat her to that code because I still have feelings for her. I don’t even think about her that way anymore.
Turk: Dude, you can’t not think about her that way.
J.D.: Whatevah!
Turk: Okay, think about her right now… (J.D. imagines himself kissing Elliot)
Turk: Now think about her and Sean together… (J.D. imagines himself kissing Elliot again)
Turk: Now think about her and me together… (J.D. imagines himself in a black version kissing Elliot)
Turk: Kissing her all three times, except the third time you were a black guy?
J.D.: Yeah…
Dr. Cox: Say, Carla… boy, you… you look nice.
Carla: You’re pathetic.
Dr. Cox: How’s about we skip the insults and you do something helpful like prop me up, or throw on a skirt.
Carla: Turk, the night we got engaged, you said you couldn’t wait to have kids.
Turk: How can you hold that against me? You were naked!
Carla: So I should just disregard everything you say when I’m naked?
Turk: You know, that’s not actually a bad idea? We can call it The Naked Rule; and it should probably apply retroactively, so, um, you can get yourself to the airport next weekend?
Carla: Fine.
Turk: Gotta love The Naked Rule!
Elliot: Look, J.D., that was my patient; I was one step behind you, and you knew it. You stole my moment.
J.D.: This isn’t about moments, it’s about saving lives. Elliot, when I put my pants on-
Elliot: Yeah, I don’t want to hear anything more about your pants! Look, we both know what this is about - from the second I started dating Sean, you obviously weren’t happy. I thought that would change when you met someone, but I guess I’ve moved on and you’re just acting like you have.
J.D.: Uhh, okay. Prepare for a storm-off. Hmph!
Family Member: Dr. Dorian, you can’t imagine how grateful we are.
J.D.: Let me ask you something: Who’s the cool doc you call when you want to save your husband, Paul? J.D.!… It’s from ‘Shaft’? Come on, how could you guys not get that?
Family Member: Yeah… That’s our ‘Citizen Kane’… Anyway, thanks again. You’re a real hero.
J.D.: Oh, please, I put my pants on one leg at a time, just like you guys… Except, after I put my pants on, I save your husband’s life! Oh, no he didn’t!
Dr. Cox: Turns out yes, yes we have.
Dr. Cox: Laying down in a big tub of ice?
Elliot: Mr. Moran, I don’t want to make any promises, but, uh, your cellulitis is resolving nicely, and I think that you’ll be out of the woods soon.
Mr. Moran: So tell me something: How did an old geezer like me end up with the prettiest young doctor in the place?
Elliot: It’s actually just a simple rotation system based on when your shift started and the last patient that you’ve seen-
Mr. Moran: Sweetheart, I’m just paying you a compliment.
Elliot: I have to go… Thanks for saying I’m pretty.
Episode: 55 My Dirty Secret
Elliot: (After giving a woman an orgasm during a pelvic exam) Let’s go, Sean.
J.D.: Shouldn’t you buy her breakfast, first?
Turk: Hey, baby. I was just with a patient who made me understand what romance really means. So as far as this no-sex thing goes, I’m with you a hundred percent.
Carla: Everyone I know just spent the last two hours listing my faults. I wanna have sex. Now.
Turk: I’ll get the condoms.
Elliot: You have a… penis. And I… have a vagina!
Sean: That is so hot.
J.D.: Listen sir, I brought Dr. Turk here to help you get over your fear of surgery.
J.D.: Then what is it?
Turk: No, I can’t-
J.D.: You’re joshing!
Turk: Wow.
J.D.: Oh, God.
Turk: Oh!… We’re actually saying “black” now, sir.
J.D.: Oh, are we allowed to do this now? What about that whole, like, hands on the hips, “Carla from the block” thing she does when she’s mad - when she’s like “Oh, Bambi, you do not want to mess me with right now.”
Doug: You do sound like that.
Carla: Careful Doug, we are not that close yet.
J.D.: “Careful, Doug.”
Elliot: That’s what’s up. Mm-mm. Mmm.
J.D.: “Doug, you better be careful, ’cause I’m Carla.”
Carla: But he’s not my friend. My friends can make fun of me whenever they want.
Elliot: Really? Well, then, in that case you’re a know-it-all smartypants and if you’re not telling someone what to do, you’re probably not talking.
Carla: Okay, I guess I can be a little bossy.
Laverne: A little? Girl, please! If you met Jesus hisself, you’d be trying to tell him where to park his donkey.
Elliot: Mr. Greenberg needs 2.4 milliunits of penicillin IM.
Carla: Why, does he have a spinkle in his gherkin?
Elliot: Carla, you’re right, okay? That stuff makes me uncomfortable, and there was a time when that would’ve sent me into a shame spiral, but now I’m just gonna get over it at my own pace. And until then, I honestly don’t mind that you’re making fun of me, but what does bother me is that no one is ever allowed to make fun of you.
Carla: People can make fun of me.
Elliot: Come on! What about that delivery guy yesterday? I mean, you practically tore him a new binglebore.
Turk: This is a hospital, why are you playing that song?
Janitor: Ohh! You mean “We Don’t Have To Take Our Clothes Off” - Jermaine Stewart’s classic anthem to platonic love. No reason.
Turk: Whatever it is you’re trying to do, it’s not working.
Janitor: ‘Course not, not with you. You’re, uh… what’d you say? Untouchable. Well, anyway, back to work. New friend!
J.D.: What do you mean you changed your mind about surgery?
J.D.: No, sir, those are, at best, a stall. Now I know there’s trepidation when you talk about surgery in the area of the penis-
Randolph: Whoa! Quick pause on the guttertalk! Catherine, hallway.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, you told me to tell her exactly how I feel, I did just that. Now you’ll remain on the floor until you come up with a new plan for me.
J.D.: You know, Dr. Cox, I-I know this is tough on you what with you being psychotic and all, but, I’m out, okay? It’s 3 a.m. and there’s nothing in the world that’s gonna keep me from going to sleep right now.
Turk: Then she cut me off, man, just like that. Full prison lock-down, no one gets in or out.
Dr. Cox: Man, that’s tough.
J.D.: If you’re not gonna use my bed, can I use it?
Dr. Cox: No you may not, on account of this whole
J.D.: You told her that spending the day with the baby isn’t really a job and that it’s turned her into an inflexible shrew!
Dr. Cox: Ohhhhh, my little newbie-doobie-doo! Say, that whole “telling
J.D.: We gotta get that lock fixed.
Turk: The only lock I gotta get fixed is the one connected to Carla’s panties. I need to get a key. I need to call a locksmith. I thought I was the locksmith, man.
Episode: 56 My Rule of thumb
J.D.’s Narration: Of course, some rules are just plain silly.
Dr. Cox: Ya got big plans for tonight?
Carla: Oh… It’s Turk’s stupid rule, I don’t wanna talk about it. Hey! You never told me what you really think of Turk.
Dr. Cox: He is a complete tool… But I suppose you could do a lot worse.
Ted: You are so beautiful.
Maggie: That was worth the wait! You are a stallion!
Carla: Uh, she’s sleeping, sir.
Dr. Kelso: So?
Elliot: You know, there’s cupcakes down in Pediatrics!
Dr. Kelso: Ooh!
Dr. Cox: I see, so what, that’s… that’s it? You say she gets the liver and that’s the way it goes?
Turk: No, she gets the liver because she followed the rules.
Dr. Cox: Ah-ha.
Turk: Dr. Cox, I know it’s really hard on you medical guys, because you spend most of your time with your patients and you get emotionally attached. But as a surgeon, the person I’m closest to is the guy who’s giving us the liver, because it’s a gift, and I think it’s important that it goes to the person that’s proven they’re up to the responsibility.
Dr. Cox: Holy cow, I get it. I gotta collect myself for a moment, here. That’s very touching.
Turk: That’s Stephanie, our new transplant patient.
Dr. Cox: Oh. And you picked her, so I’m quite sure she is so very nice.
Turk: No, actually she’s alienated every member of my surgical team.
Dr. Cox: Sweetheart, you’re not even on the surgical team.
Turk: I am a very important part of the team that!… I am a very important part of the team, thankyouverymuch.
Elliot: Hm! Can’t believe Chuck gave up stripping to become a city councilman!
Carla: Same job, different outfit.
Elliot: Pff! True dat!
Carla: Elliot! You ain’t as ghetto as ya think y’are, ‘kay?
Todd: Don’t worry, sweetheart, this’ll all be over in a second.
Larry: Please stop.
Todd: Oh! It’s the hips that fool me.
Turk(muffled): You know, I’m really getting sick of this-
Dr. Cox: Oh! I’m sorry! Are you talking? Because I’ve decided to keep my finger on the button, so I actually can’t hear anything that’s going on in there. But, for fairness’ sake, I’ve decided to do your end of the conversation. It goes a little something like this: “Blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, cool hip-hop lingo, blah-blah, blah-blah-blah.”
Dr. Cox: Oh, hello, and welcome to McSurgeon’s. May I take your order? “Yeah, I was thinking about getting a simple operation with no unexpected complications, please?” Oh, gosh, here I’m sorry, we’re fresh out of those. But! If you have a child, maybe you’d like to try one of our Infection Meals! That’ll be seven thousand dollars, please pay at the second window.
Danni: I love how much you guys care about your patients.
J.D.’s Narration: Wow. Danni is so sweet. What am I worried about?
Danni: You know, Jordan and I are from around here, and our friend Chuck’s a stripper? I’m sure he knows tons of guys that would love to have sex with your patient.
J.D.’s Narration: What the hell!? What’s it gonna be like when she’s at my place!?
Elliot: Mm, it’s so nice to have real food again.
Carla: Elliot, they didn’t even feed us.
Dr. Cox: Ohhh, hey Dr. Turk, you old turtle-headed pain in the ass. Aw! Dammit all, Perry, that is so not what you came down here to say! Now you’re better than that!
Elliot: Slim, what are you in for?
Criminal: Robbery.
Elliot: Mm. Prostitution!
Carla: Would you please stop enjoying this so much?
Dr. Cox: Look. Barry… Barry’s a… he’s a great guy.
Turk: Yeah. I totally forgot the rule to the transplant list is no drinking… unless Cox says you’re a great guy
Turk: Now, even though I won’t be performing the transplant, I am a key member of the surgical team. It’s too complicated to explain what it is I do, but in layman’s terms I… I guess you’d call it “watching.”
Elliot: Ha! What a rush! I mean, I have never slept with a prostitute before, but if it is half as much fun as buying one, sign me up!
Cop: Hey! Quiet down back there!
Elliot: This is so exciting! The closest I’ve ever come to breaking the law was in sixth grade, when Alex Peterson sold his mom’s Virginia Slims out of his guest house.
Carla: Wow! Was he a Blood or a Crip?
Elliot: He was Lutheran.
Dr. Cox: Lookit, here’s the rule, there, porn-star: The moment her toothbrush hits your sink, you’ve got yourself a permanent roomie.
J.D.: There’ll be toilet paper everywhere!
Episode: 57 My Clean Break
Dr. Cox: I-I know what you’re thinking, believe me, I… I do: Why in the world would a civilized, up-town man of the millennium such as myself even go ahead and give a good rat’s ass about whether a bunch of snot-nosed baby docs were afraid of him. Right? Well, unfortunately the only way I know how to teach is through fear.And I tell you this because I know that this particular shortcoming will invariably affect your life… And again, sorry about the gay sailor’s outfit. Your mother loves it. She couldn’t be more pleasant when you have it on. Take it off - nut bag. Have it on - pleasant, approachable…
Carla: How you doing, Elliot?
Elliot: Great! I figure I spend three quarters of my life in a place filled with misery and sickness; if I need to feel good about myself, then the hell with everybody!
Carla: And for what it’s worth, I think you look beautiful - I wouldn’t change a thing.
Elliot: Ohh… Oh! I did, uh, tone down the eye makeup a little bit.
Carla: Oh, thank God! You looked so slutty.
J.D.’s Narration: After Dr. Cox exploded at us, so many thoughts were racing through my head: We have been slacking off lately. How did Doug get such incredible abs? And what the hell is the deal with Danni?
Danni: Hey.
J.D.: Hey… After you dressed up Rowdy, did you trim the clumpy areas around his butt?
Danni: Yeah…?
J.D.: Oh… Thanks. He was due for a good grooming.
Elliot: Sorry I’m late.
Todd: Hey, Elliot. Is it greasy outside?
J.D.: Oh, that is so stupid. Elliot, you look… smart.
Dr. Cox: Hello?
Elliot: Of course I’m smart - I’m a doctor!
Doug: “What’s up, doc?” I just got it!
J.D.: Maybe that’s why Danni wants to break up with me, she thinks I’m too smart!
Todd: You’re dating a guy named Danny? Is he hot?
Dr. Cox: So I… I’m pretty much thinking it’s time to get the fear back. And I’m sorry, but I think life is just too short to spend your time working someplace where people don’t crap their pants at the mere sight of ya.
Dr. Kelso: Now, there you go, sweetheart! Now you look more like a doctor and less like a lap-dance!
Elliot: Thank you, sir?
J.D.: Ha! I’m sorry, did I interrupt you from trying to eat your baby?
Elliot: You know, I shouldn’t have to feel bad for wanting to look good. You don’t, what with your bohemian scarves and pirate earrings…
Carla: Thank you for noticing.
Carla: Happy birthday!
Laverne: Oh, dammit, people, I’ve been here twenty-three years. For the last time, I’m allergic to coconut!
Turk: Dude, look at the size of this Odor-Eater! We could surf on it!
J.D.: I still don’t understand why Danni’s breaking up with me, man. I gotta go talk to her.
Turk slaps J.D. across the face with the giant Odor-Eater.
J.D.: Okay, first of all, words cannot describe the smell that is currently on my cheek.
J.D.: Besides, I gotta go deal with this whole Danni thing.
Turk: You want me to just talk to her for you? I’ll do it.
J.D.: Nah, that’s weak. I mean, if someone doesn’t care about you enough to break up with you themselves, it’s like they didn’t ever care about you at all.
J.D.: Hello, citizens! Welcome to Sacred Heart! Home of the world’s most giant doctor! Be not afraid! I’m just like you! Except I’m giant!
Dr. Cox: What the hell, there, Pee-Pants? Are you… the only one here?
Doug: I drew the short straw, so I have to press record on all the tape players when you start the lecture.
Elliot: Have the other doctors been making fun of the way I look?
Carla: What? No! No way! Why would you say that?
J.D.: Huh? I’ve never heard anything like that! Why?
Laverne: Hell, yeah.
J.D.(on phone): Uh, listen, something’s been on my mind…
Danni(on phone): Me too. I just feel like my life is so scattered lately and you’re the only good thing I have going right now.
J.D.(on phone): Awesome.
Carla: How’s he doing?
Laverne: The boy’s got no biscuits.
J.D.: I am trying to break someone’s heart here.
Episode: 58 My Catalyst
Dr. Casey: Hey… hey… Uh, give-give me a minute, will you?
J.D.: No, Kevin, I have to talk to you right now.
Dr. Casey: DAMMIT!
J.D.: Later’s cool too.
Ted: Is this heaven?
Janitor: It’s garbage.
Randall: Way to cost us a cherry gig, bra.
Ted: Wha?
Dr. Kelso: I want my money back! And Ted! Shower and get back to work!
Carla: Dr. Kelso?
Dr. Kelso: What?
Carla: The crows are back. They’re making your pimp-mobile look like SpinArt.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Dorian! I’m far too irritable right now to pretend I don’t hate you, so let’s cut to the chase. If you know where all the garbage in this hospital is going, I’ll give you… eight dollars.
J.D.: Sorry, sir.
Janitor: Thanks!
Dr. Kelso: Huh?
J.D.: Look, I did my psych rotation, okay? I know my father abandoning us and only showing up in my life when he needs a place to sleep or a free prostate exam is probably gonna be an issue. I get it. But it’s not like I’m looking for a-a mentor… I just want a little validation. It’s like when Kelso gave you a cupcake ’cause you went four days without killing a patient.
Doug: That was awesome!
J.D.: You know!
J.D.’s Narration: I’ve always felt like Doug understood me. It’s weird; after knowing him for three years, I suddenly realized he was the type of mentor I always wished Dr. Cox would be… Wait!
J.D.: Doug, get the hell outta here!
Doug: Okay.
Turk: Okay, I’ve removed the gallbladder, sealed the vessels, aaaand time!
Elliot: Oh, my God! You can’t even beat Dr. Kevin Casey’s lap-chole time when you’re imagining it!
Turk: So! I could be just as fast if I was like him and practiced over and over again on a simulator.
Elliot: Yeah… but you don’t.
Turk: Yeah, well I could spend my spare time doing stupid hand exercises!
Elliot: I know… but you don’t.
Turk: Yeah, well, I could-
Elliot: You don’t.
Turk: But-
Elliot: Don’t!
Turk: Could you enjoy this any less?
Dr. Cox: Listen, just because we have a child together doesn’t necessarily mean you know me, mmm’kay, princess?
Carla: I just don’t understand why this guy bothers him so much.
Dr. Cox: None taken.
Dr. Casey: All right, all six of your butt cheeks just, uh, tightened up.
Dr. Cox/J.D./Turk: Uh.
Dr. Casey: Someone around here pissing you guys off? ‘Cause I will give ‘em some attitude.
J.D.: Uhhh… (points to Ted) That guy!
Dr. Casey: Hey, Hair Club! That suit, that come with the flop sweat?
J.D.’s Narration: None of us slept last night. How I know that is irrelevant.
Dr. Casey: Uh, listen, I hate to be childish about this, but I have to, uh…”make”. And for me that involves driving home and scrubbing the toilet seat several times with industrial-strength cleanser. So, if we could just call this a tie…?
Dr. Cox: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Ties are for sissies. Speaking of which, Newbie? You have been uncharacteristically quiet.
Dr. Cox: Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! One of you minions spit out another question, will ya! Yo! Nervous Guy - now I don’t care how many times your little prepubescent voice cracks. Hit me, baby!
Doug: Okay… Wh-what is the demyelinating CNS disorder associated with the JC virus?
Dr. Cox(yawning): Progressive multifocal leukoencephalopathy. Snore! Back to you, there, half-pint.
Dr. Casey: Yeah, short jokes are a sign of desperation, my friend.
Randall: Amen, brother.
Dr. Kelso: Now look, security said your van hasn’t left the premises. So I demand to know where all the trash is going.
Janitor: …Away.
Dr. Kelso: I’m going to tell you the same thing I told the grocer when it was my turn to bring the deli spread to Hank Weinberg’s poker night: This better be kosher. Otherwise, it’s not just Ted who’s gonna pay for it.
Dr. Cox: Okay, class! We have a guest with us at rounds today, happens to be an old friend of yours truly, so let’s all go out of our way to treat him with the respect he deserves. Nnnnnnnn’kay?
Dr. Casey: Hey, gang. My name is Dr. Kevin Cas-
Dr. Cox: Anyway! I thought we’d change things up a little bit today - instead of me firing questions at you, I’d like to see you all scurry away and get your text books. And when you get back, you actually get to quiz us. A little harmless competition, if my colleague here will consent to it?
Dr. Casey(yawns): I’m sorry; are you done with the speechifying?… I’m kidding, you frightening bastard!
Doug: I’m sorry, J.D., I just don’t think pirates are cool.
J.D.: Well then you’re not cool, Doug!
Turk: Cool trick.
Dr. Casey: Yeah, you should try it. It’s good for dexterity, concentration… and convincing single women you’re a power-dork.
Dr. Cox: What the hell!? He’s anemic and he has bone fractures, yet there’s no sign of leukemia.
Carla: Don’t tell me The Great One is stumped!
Dr. Cox: No. It’s just that this is not exactly the kind of thing that you stick your head in on and figure out.
Dr. Casey sticks his head in the door.
Dr. Casey: He’s got Gaucher’s disease.
Dr. Cox: I beg your pardon?
Dr. Casey: I took the liberty of testing his blood for deficiency of beta-glucosidase.
Episode: 59 My Porcelain God
J.D.’s Narration: I think it’s human nature to search for answers.
Turk: Dude. Why is your tux gonna cost four thousand dollars?
J.D.: No reason.
Elliot’s Narration: Okay… So far no epiphanies. Except that outdoor toilet seats are like frickin’ icicles!
Carla: You know, Hector told me he’s worked for Dr. Kelso for twenty years. That’s half his life. I mean, I know he looks 50, but that’s what being in the sun all day does to your skin.
Dr. Cox: Right, right.
Carla: The point is, it doesn’t seem like he hates Dr. Kelso.
Dr. Cox: Say… Say, Bobbo… Is it possible that you’re occasionally a decent human being in your life outside of this place?
Dr. Kelso: Well, champ, seeing as you don’t exist in my life outside this place, I doubt it’s any of your damn business.
J.D.: Look, Turk, I heard the message that your brother left on the machine. I want you to know, if there’s anything I can do to make your whole wedding go smoother, just tell me. Even if it’s stepping down from being best man.
Turk: The only reason I asked my brother to be best man was because I knew he couldn’t come to the wedding. But now his plans have changed and he’s all excited. Dude, it has to be you, you know that.
J.D.’s Narration: It’s always uncomfortable when two guys wanna say something each other.
J.D.: Look, you’ve been my best friend for ten years, man; I’ve loved you since college, and you know I’d do anything for you.
Turk: Dude, look, man, you’re my friend and I frickin’ love you; and no one’s looked out for me like you have. Cool.
J.D.: Solid… You know, if it makes it easier, I guess we could be co-best men.
Turk: You have no idea how much stress that would relieve.
J.D.: Even though… God said it’s supposed to be one…
Turk: With Marbury, I really believe
J.D.: Yeah, me too.
Turk: Which sport are we talking about?
J.D.: I wanna say tennis…
Dr. Kelso: Hector’s wife just set my drapes on fire with her damn prayer candle!
Carla: He’s here!
Dr. Kelso: I want them both out of my office!
Carla: Sir, there’s a ton of empty beds right here. All you have to do is flick the switch.
Dr. Cox: You know how to do that, don’t you, Bob? You just bend over… and flick.
Elliot: I need help.
Dr. Cox: I know you do, sweetie, but here I’m plum out of hair scrunchies. Now scram, princess, we’re waiting for somebody.
J.D.: But look, if you need help, I’m always here for you.
Elliot: All right, see, with intubating… I can’t seem to intubate patien-
J.D.: There’s Turk. I gotta go.
Elliot: Look, I don’t wanna sound pathetic, but, he didn’t even help me.
J.D.: He didn’t help a lot of people, Elliot. It was just me, and Turk, and Carla, and Dr. Cox, and Doug, and Dr. Mickhead-
Elliot: Mickhead? No, Mickhead’s in rehab.
J.D.: Was in rehab, Elliot. Was. He’ll never huff paint again.
J.D.’s Narration: Watching Kevin go, I wondered how gay I looked giving that two-handed handshake.
J.D.: Cool. I’ll see you tomorrow.
Dr. Casey: Uh, actually, no. I got a call - I have to go back to my hospital.
J.D.: Why? Why do you have to do that?
Dr. Casey: Well, look at it this way: Uh, I may be leaving here, but I will always be there. (points at J.D.’s heart)
J.D.: I know.
Dr. Casey: I am so messing with you!
J.D.: Dr. Casey! Have you seen Turk?
Dr. Casey: Oh, yeah, nice guy… good surgeon… great dancer.
J.D.: You should see us gettin’ down when we try pants on together.
Dr. Casey: Yeah-heh. I have to go.
Hector(Translated from Spanish): I hope I’m not causing Dr. Kelso any trouble.
Carla(Translated from Spanish): Oh, screw him, he ate your sandwich.
Ted: I forget. Is that “kill him” or “screw him”?
Carla/Hector: “Screw him.”
Ted: Awwww.
Dr. Kelso: I can’t even think straight with this incessant whispering. It’s like a Spanish golf tournament in here!
Carla: I’m sorry, Dr. Kelso, but I’m trying to get their lunch orders!
Dr. Kelso: Oh, that reminds me. Hector,
Ted: “Furthermore, if Sacred Heart Elementary for Girls does not change its name posthaste” - I thought that was a nice touch - “legal action will be taken, posthaste.” Wait, that’s wrong.
Dr. Kelso: Shocker.
Elliot: Look, um, that problem I was talking about before… I can’t seem to intubate patients anymore. I mean, I used to do that better than anyone here. Now the only thing that sets me apart from the other doctors is that my beeper plays “That’s the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it! Mm-hm, mm-hmm!” I don’t know what to do.
Dr. Casey: It’s just a piece of porcelain! I mean, there’s no reason we both shouldn’t be able to sit on it!
Elliot: Yeah, um, about my career-ending problem…
Dr. Casey: We must conquer the roof toilet.
J.D.’s Narration: You know what, it’s time to stop feeling sorry for yourself. You’re still best man. It’s not like Turk’s gonna take that away from you.
Turk: J.D., can I talk to you?
J.D.’s Narration: AGH!
Turk: Have you seen Carla around?
J.D.’s Narration: Phew! False alarm.
Turk: ‘Cause I need to, uh, talk to you in private? Sort of man to man?
J.D.’s Narration: AGH!
J.D.: I can’t right now, Turk. I am completely swamped.
Turk: You’re drawing lightning bolts on your Nikes.
J.D.: So I can get to my patients faster.
Episode: 60 My Screw Up
J.D.’s narration: …in the end, the most important thing to accept is that no matter how alone you feel, how painful it may be, with the help of those around you, you’ll get through this too.
Dr. Cox: Now where is your camera? Aren’t, aren’t you going to take some pictures?
J.D.: Pictures of what?
Dr. Cox: You know. Crying babies. Covered in chocolate. People singing happy birthday to my son, who’ve never even met him before. You know, the whole routine.
J.D.: Where do you think we are?
Ben: I’m glad you made it. Listen. There is one more thing you have to do for me.
Dr. Cox: You can’t keep me from getting drunk.
Dr. Cox: So how come you don’t have to get all dressed up?
Ben: I am dressed up. You see any holes in these pants?
Dr. Cox: Those are the most ridiculous things I have ever seen.
J.D.: You know you’re right. I was an idiot to buy these shower shorts. I mean it’s not like they come with a complimentary shower wallet.
Turk: All right, I’m gonna get right down to it. You tell Carla that my mole is inoperable, I will pay you ten thousand dollars.
Carla: Turk! I don’t want you to do this!
Plastic Surgeon: The mole’s inoperable.
Turk: The deal’s off.
Dr. Cox: Benny, I appreciate your concern, but you just don’t understand.
Ben: What don’t I understand?
Dr. Cox: Well do you see all these people here? This is not some kind of senior citizens slumber party. I mean if it was, I would have already put Mr. Foredom’s hand in a nice bowl of warm water. But god bless him, he’s going to go ahead and wet the bed anyway.
J.D.: I got to win my money back from Leonard… You know the guy with the giant afro.
Turk: Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Turk: You guys, I don’t want to do this.
Elliot: Come on. No one’s going to call you names.
Turk: I know, but…
J.D.: FACE! Butt-face.
Turk: Listen. My butt is fabulous. A slice of that up here, that’s just me spreading the wealth.
Dr. Cox: Hey, hey, Val. You know, you know what’s funny? Ever since I started taking care of your patients not one of them has died.
J.D.: Look. You want to be mad at me, that’s fine. I get it. Okay. But
Ben: Oh. Right. That thing. Put us down for Ben plus one.
Carla: Hey. You’ve been here for sixty straight hours. You need to go home.
Dr. Cox: You know what I need. I need people to stop telling me what I should do.
Carla: Fine.
Ben: You know what you should do?
Dr. Cox: Aw. Why are you here?
J.D.: So wait. You think this was my fault?
Ben: Hey, this is an emotional situation. So, why don’t you go easy on the kid?
Dr. Cox: It was your fault. Now get the hell out.
Ben: Well that was good. That was good listening.
Turk: Know what sweetie? I’m fine with getting rid of this mole. But you got to be willing to take my last name when we get married.
Carla: That’s perfect. Of course I will.
Elliot: And there she goes. Mrs. Carla Butt-face.
Dr. Cox: What’s the matter with you there, Sheila? You look like Maybeline just went belly up!
J.D.’s Narration: Guilt’s a funny thing. It can lead to denial.
Dr. Cox: Kid screwed up.
Ben: No he didn’t. He told you he has way too many patients, he’s swamped.
Dr. Cox: The kid screwed up.
Ben: Okay. Darn kid!
Carla: Oh, thank god you’re here. I totally need someone to talk to. Usually I would talk to Dr. Cox, but he’s out doing stuff. Course there is always Laverne, but I’m kind of her boss. And I like to avoid getting too up close and personal with staff members who work below me.
Dr. Kelso: As do I.
Ted: Sir, I think I figured out how my problem affects one of your loved ones. It affects me.
Dr. Kelso: Swing and a miss.
J.D.: So you would be a butt-face?
Elliot: That would be a funny nickname.
Turk: No it wouldn’t.
J.D.: Yes it would. God, how long does it take, to fill a bottle of pills! I’m sorry Madeline. I hope we didn’t wake you. It’s just that I have fifty patients and I… That’s a code.
Turk: Watch I’m going to get out of this mole thing.
Elliot: Whatever, Butt-face.
Turk: Uncool.
Plastic Surgeon: Okaaaaaaaaaaaay. So who wants what, bigger or smaller?
Carla: My fiancé would like to have his mole removed.
Plastic Surgeon: That? That’s cute. It’s like a tickle button.
Turk: No it’s not. It needs to go away.
Episode: 61 My Tormented Mentor
Dr. Cox: You know, honey, I’m-I’m here now, if you-if you want your friends to leave.
Dr. Cox: Oh. Okay.
Todd: Gotta grab those.
Dr. Kelso: No!
Staffer: Ugh!
Dr. Kelso: Remember, we look… but we don’t touch.
Todd: Okay.
Dr. Cox: My point is that in this tight-ass PC culture, it is damn hard to know what’s kosher!
Carla: Well, then you should try stepping into our shoes! Even the strongest women walk around with this thick coat of armor all day long, because God forbid we should show the slightest sign of weakness. So just squeeze those smelly, oversized feet into the shoes of someone you really care about; and trust me, in a heartbeat you will know the right thing to do.
Elliot: I love her! Turk, do you know what I would give to have a female attending like her pushing me not to let the fact that I’m a woman hold me back? I mean… you have no idea how hard it is.
Turk: I have no idea?
Elliot: Look, I’m not gonna fight about whether in medicine it’s harder being black or a woman.
Turk: Black!
Elliot: Woman!
A black female doctor passes them.
Turk: Much prop, Dr. Rhodes.
Elliot: Mm.
Turk: Go get ‘em.
Turk: Well?
Elliot: I hate to quote my mother, but Dr. Miller is so uptight she could use a pitcher of martinis and an afternoon on top of a smooth-chested pool-boy.
Dr. Cox: Fine. You want some straight shootin’? I’m glad that you’re dealing with Ben’s death so well. The fact is I’m strugglin’. And having those two harpies nesting in our home is not helping. For the life of me, Jordan, I cannot figure out why they’re still here. It is beyond me!
J.D.: You okay?
J.D.: Oh, oka-that’s going in the box. Girl’s names are out. That’s why we have a box.
Dr. Cox: Spill.
J.D.: Dr. Cox had nothing to do with me going to see your scary friends. I did it all on my own.
Dr. Cox is chasing J.D. around the hospital
J.D.’s Narration: Yes! He fell! I’m gonna get away!… You know who I haven’t seen today?
The Janitor pokes his head out a doorway clotheslines J.D.
J.D.: Ook! Waaagh!
Janitor: You lookin’ for that?
Dr. Cox: Like you read about.
Dr. Miller: Dr. Reid! I’ve seen you strutting around this place with your can-do attitude, and I know that you think because you’re a female doctor, you’re part of the solution. But you’re not. Everything about you screams, “What does the cutie in Radiology think about me?” And yes, your friend Dr. Turk, he may ask you relationship advice or where to get his unfortunate girlfriend some naughty lingerie - because we both know that when it comes to gifts, women all crave a nice leather push-up bra with tassels that go around and around and around like this - but still, I ask you, is that respect?… Uh, don’t answer. I don’t care!
Elliot: Look, Dr. Turk is a really good friend of mine, and he is not a sexist. And I know sexist. I mean, when my dad’s not asking the maid for a neck-rub, he’s telling me if I’m going to get emotional, I should do it in a closet because no one likes to see a hysterical woman.
Dr. Miller: There’s a closet right there!
Elliot: I know, it’s one of my favorites…
Elliot: Dr. Miller, hi! You, uh, look very nice today.
Dr. Miller: Thanks! My patient just died, but if I’m looking good, I’m psyched!
Elliot: No, no. It’s just that you work in a very tough specialty, and you manage to maintain your femininity and I find that very… um… sexy.
Dr. Miller: Are you asking me out on a date?
Elliot: Please! We just met!… Not that it would make a difference if we hadn’t…
Dr. Cox: Well done, there, Bobbo. When my patients ask me where I was all afternoon, I’ll just tell them I was too busy attending this ridiculous chat-fest with you and Dr. What’s-He-Over-Compensating-For? here.
Carla: Did I say any of you boys could talk? No, I did not. Now, this part is especially important, so I need everyone’s full attention.
J.D. passes the window.
Dr. Cox: You come here, you rat-bastard!
Carla: Awesome!
Episode: 62 My Butterfly
J.D.: Look, Dr. Cox, I know my opinion doesn’t mean anything and I’m always wrong and apparently useless - which deep down you know isn’t true because… shoot, I forgot your coffee.
Custodian: Heeeeyyy! Get outta here.
Janitor: It’s all right, Butchie, she’s with me.
Doctor: So I had this guy today presenting vomiting and abdominal pain? Two hours and one CT later, I tell him he’s got ischemic bowel.
Dr. Mickhead: Mm.
J.D.: Have you ever noticed that words that rhyme with “bowel” are always bad? Like “scowl”, “growl”…”movies with Andie MacDowell”…
Dr. Mickhead: You’re right, J.D. You are funny.
J.D.: Stop.
J.D.’s Narration: Whatever. Just avoid the shoulder bump, catch the elevator, and make a great wise-ass remark before the doors close!
J.D.: Hoohoo, hey, Dr. Cox, if you’re so smart, maybe you should just… go ahead and be the… you’re the kind of… Oh, dammit! I don’t know what happened there. I’m usually quick and funny…
J.D.: Sounds to me like a G.I. bleed.
Dr. Cox: Look, Newbie, if you go ahead and leave this hospital knowing only one thing - and God save me, it looks like there’s a real chance that might happen - please let this be that one thing: I’m in charge, and I don’t care about your opinion. Now go get me a cup of coffee.
Carla: Oh, hey. Thanks, Rowdy. Hey, by the way, as soon as we’re married, you’re outta here.
Little Janitor: Mommy! Where’s my teddy bear?
Janitor’s Mom: Oh. I must have accidentally thrown it out when I was cleaning up. You know, this never would have happened if your room weren’t so filthy.
Janitor: Never again.
Elliot: Janitor? Thanks again for your help, but I know that you’re busy. I mean, I could just call Carla, and-
Janitor: No! Mark my words: We will find that little girl’s stuffed animal.
Carla: Turk! Why didn’t you stand up for me?
Turk: Baby, you said I was too whipped.
J.D.: Uh, Dr. Kelso? That’s my pen.
Kelso tosses the pen J.D. misses it again
Dr. Cox: Nice grab.
J.D.: I’m a righty.
Dr. Cox: Ehhhhh.
Dr. Kelso: Son, do you think I got to be chief of medicine by being late?
Dr. Cox: Nooo, Bobbo! You got there by back-stabbing and ass-kissing.
Dr. Kelso: Maybe so, but I started those things promptly at 8.
Elliot: Janitor, could you help me look for a little girl’s pink stuffed doggie?
Janitor: I would love to. I’ll meet you upstairs in ten minutes.
Elliot: You are like… the sweetest guy!
Janitor: I’m blushing.
J.D.: Heh. So charming. Could you be half as nice to me as you are to her?
Janitor: You are right. We need a fresh start. Come on.
He holds out his hand to J.D., who shakes the Janitor’s hand.
J.D.: Fresh start.
Janitor: Mm-hmm… I think we need a longer fresh start.
J.D.: How long do ya… suppose this’ll be?
Janitor: Probably ten minutes.
J.D.: Mmmm!
Laverne: Ain’t nothing here for you, mooch!
Carla: What is wrong with you? I can’t believe you’re looking at that guy’s cleavage while Suzy Big-Rack over there is sitting there busting out of her niece’s tank top.
Turk: How the hell did I miss that?
Carla: Damn, you’re whipped.
Dr. Cox: Lookit, it’s just that aortic dissections are a doctor’s worst nightmare. If you don’t catch ‘em early, there’s about a ninety percent mortality rate. I mean, honestly, unless your patient was lucky enough to trip and fall into a CAT-scan machine, he wasn’t gonna have a happy ending.
Turk: Did you bring my lucky ‘do-rag?
Carla: Why don’t you wear the fluffy puppies ‘do-rag that I got you for Lent?
Turk: Baby, I hate to tell you this, but the fluffy puppies? They killed like three people - they banned from the O.R.
J.D.: Randall?!
Randall: Just got the job, brah.
J.D.’s Narration: So that’s why he’s been back in my dreams…
J.D.: Hey, you find your pink doggie yet?
Elliot: Nope. But I had the pleasure of meeting Helen, the laundry room lady.
J.D.: Oh, I think I know her! Does she have blonde hair?
Elliot: No.
J.D.: Brown hair?
Elliot: Y-nuh-uh.
J.D.: No hair!
Elliot: That’s the one.
J.D.: Yeah, that’s from the dryers.
J.D.: Sounds to me like a G.I. bleed.
Dr. Cox: Sounds to me like angina. Look, Newbie, if you leave this hospital knowing only one thing - and, God save me, it seems like there’s a pretty good chance that just might happen - let that one thing be this: that medicine is a collaborative effort. And that means that your opinion is just as important as mine. So, let’s see if you got the gobstoppers to take the lead.
Dr. Kelso: Nurse Espinosa, your shift ended nine minutes ago. How is it that your time card isn’t punched out?
Carla: Well, sir, I-
Turk: Dr. Kelso, how is it that you had an ambulance take you to your dinner reservation last night just so you wouldn’t lose it?
Dr. Kelso: How do you know that?
Turk: Because I’m the “homeboy” you screamed at to get my “ghettomobile” off the road.
Carla: Turk, I just got off of a 12-hour shift. I’m starving and I have yet to take a single bathroom break - which, by the way, is why I’m dancing a little - and you want me to run home, search through your nasties, and bring back your lucky ‘do-rag?
Turk: And if you could be back in twenty minutes that’d be great.
Dr. Cox: You know, my head’s probably going to melt when I say this but Kelso’s idea wasn’t half bad. Letting you run this place for a day would be a great educational experience. And, come on, let’s face facts - the training bra’s got to come off eventually.
Episode: 63 My Moment of Untruth
J.D.’s Narration: I guess you can never underestimate how the smallest gesture can make everything better.
J.D.: You know, for a minute there I actually thought you had a twin brother.
Janitor: Really?
J.D.: Mm.
Janitor: Was it when my twin brother was here?
J.D.: Stop it.
Carla: Go ahead, look.
Turk: Really, baby?
Carla: Yeah. Besides, you’re cutting up your napkin.
Elliot: How did you know that he was lying?
Dr. Cox: Well, you said that he wasn’t; and as a rule, I always take whatever you say and just go in the exact opposite direction with it. But, more than that, Barbie, the main reason is because… well, lookit, medicine is all about experience. Hell, wouldja… wouldja like to go ahead and have a look at who the last doctor was to give Thompson drugs?
Elliot: You?
Dr. Cox: Oh!
Elliot: Why didn’t you say something earlier?
Dr. Cox: What, give up my front-row seat to Barbie’s Wild Ride? “He’s a drug addict! He’s not a drug addict! You… make… me… doubt… my…self! You’re more interested in being right than doing what’s right! And I just couldn’t take it! Can’t take it anymore!”
J.D.’s Narration: It’s even harder when it’s the hundredth time.
Dr. Cox: Say it.
Elliot: You’re always right.
Dr. Cox: I know! But it is still so nice to hear it.
Janitor: Yuk it up, I don’t care. I’m getting the last laugh! ‘Cause my brother’s waiting for me downstairs, and when these elevator doors open, you’ll see, he’s gonna be staring right at you two guys.
They all stand there and wait. The elevator arrives and the doors open. No one is there.
Janitor: Okay, I don’t know what I thought was gonna happen, but I think we can all agree that this isn’t working out, it’s costing me a tremendous amount of time and effort, so let’s just call it a draw.
Turk: Hell, no! You lost! Live with it!
Carla: But still, what if I want to tell him?
J.D.: Well, that’s up to you, isn’t it! Gotta go!
He rattles his Mardi Gras beads
Carla: Damn beads.
J.D.: Anyway, I don’t think Turk’s gonna be as excited about your big date as you are. All right? He definitely won’t love the fact that I knew about it. So just… tell him in five years.
Fantasy
Turk: You did what!?
End Fantasy
J.D.: Make that twenty years.
Fantasy
Turk: Honey, that was a long time ago… Why are you still living here?
J.D.: Because I’ve got nowhere else to go!
Carla: I’m gonna go tell Turk.
J.D.’s Narration: Awww, that’s great. She’s gonna go- Wait, what?
J.D. grabs her before she gets to Turk
Carla: Whoooa!
J.D.: Whatever you do, don’t scream.
Carla: Why would I scream?
J.D.: I don’t know. People always said that in the movies.
Carla: I felt nothing for him! How cool is that!
J.D.: I had a dream just like this… except I had a saddle on my back and you were an Indian. Turk was a donkey.
Dr. Ramirez: You know, I have to leave for a lecture tour on Monday, but I’m back the last week in April, so maybe we can get together then.
Carla: I’m getting married April 24th.
Dr. Ramirez: So then our plans would totally interfere with your honeymoon.
Carla: A little bit.
J.D.: Beads, keep me strong!
Turk: What?
J.D.: Nothing.
Turk: Nag! Nag! Nag! Nag! You see how Carla is lately. I mean, is that all I have to look forward to?
J.D.: I hear they’re coming out with a ‘Stuart Little 3′.
Turk: Nah, it’s on hold. The director dropped out.
Carla: So you and that girl Kelly finally broke up, huh?
Dr. Ramirez: Yeah… What was that cute name that you used to call her?
Carla: Skunk-face!
Turk: So I’m supposed to marry someone who’s gonna bust my chops every time I look at a woman for the rest of my life?
J.D.: Well, I wouldn’t put it that way in your vows.
J.D.’s Narration: Stay calm. Turk’s never gonna find out about her date.
Turk: Hey!
J.D.’s Narration: AGGH!
Turk: You got a minute to talk?
J.D.: I got lots of time to talk. Do you wanna talk about anything? Anything? Hours to talk. We could talk about our feelings. Wh-what’s up?
Elliot: You know what’s amazing about you? You have this unbelievable ability to make me doubt myself.
Dr. Cox: I don’t think I could possibly make you doubt yourself, ya rascal, unless you had the unnatural talent for being wrong most of the time.
Episode: 64 His History II
J.D.: Look, Elliot, I don’t want to jinx this, but, how did that just happen?
Elliot: You were a clown for me. You were there when I needed you without me even having to ask.
The door opens and Sean appears
J.D./Elliot: Sean?
Elliot: Oh, my God! When did you get back from
Sean: Something in your voice told me that you needed me. So I just…I decided to show up, even though you didn’t even ask.
Elliot: Ohhh, Sean…
Dr. Miller: You try and paint Dr. Kelso as this jackass who turns on people who don’t do his bidding, when you were ready to write me off just for having lunch. So honestly? How are you any different?
Dr. Cox: I’m taller than he is?
Dr. Miller: Why are you smiling?
Dr. Cox: Oh, I don’t know, I guess I’m just glad you wound up in my camp.
Dr. Miller: Yeah, I’m an adult, I don’t actually go to camp. Listen, if Dr. Kelso had asked me to go somewhere that I thought was actually good for my career, I’d be gone so fast you’d be left here staring at an imaginary woman’s chest while she was trying to make a point.
Dr. Cox: I’m-I’m sorry, you’re right, it’s my fault. That dress just screams “respect me as a doctor.” Heh.
Carla: I thought you might want to talk to
Turk: How’d you know?
Carla: Who you talkin’ to?Janitor: Break’s over, Binky.
J.D.: The show must go on.
Elliot: J.D., what are you doing?
J.D.: Oh, just breaking some bad news… circus style.
J.D.: Okay, kids, I’ve never made balloon animals before, but raise your hand if you like your eels!
Janitor: You’re a horrible clown.
J.D.: Save it for the post-show, Lurch.
Dr. Kelso: So what? Publicity is good for the hospital. Plus, pictures of us together lend credence to the rumors that you and I are having an affair… I’m joking! There are no rumors.
Dr. Mickhead passes, appraising Dr. Miller and raising his eyebrows at Dr. Kelso who nods
Turk: Heeeey! Bry-Bry! What’s the happie-haps!
Turk: Ummm, about that…
Turk’s Narration: “I made a mistake”! Just say it! I made a mistake!
Turk: I’m not really too sure on the specifics, but uh… apparently there were some complications.
Turk’s Narration: Ah, ya big chicken!
Turk’s Narration: Man, the way Dr. Miller stares makes me all itchy. What can I say to let her know I’m in control?
Turk: Have you ever slept with a black man?
Dr. Miller: Just finish the procedure please.
Turk’s Narration: That’s a yes! And now her mind will drift back to that wonderful day. Wait for it… And there it is.
Turk: Dr. Miller, please, feel free to drift off. Although there is a lot of bleeding.
J.D.: Dr. Reid couldn’t be here today, children, so I’m here in her place.
Kid: Why’re your pants so tight? Clowns have baggy pants!
J.D.: Well, Brad, I’m the type of clown that likes to wear tight pants.
Kid: But the other clown has baggy pants!
J.D.: What other clown?
Janitor: Hello, old friend.
J.D.: Janitor!
Dr. Kelso: Wow! Perry, people usually don’t stop caring about what you have to say ’til after they’ve been here a few months! Oh, no he didn’t!… That’s the correct use of that phrase, right?
Dr. Miller: I don’t know, sir.
Dr. Miller: Has anyone seen Dr. Kelso? We’re supposed to leave for that luncheon.
Dr. Cox: Oh, that’s strange. Because I remember having a conversation with you about this very subject - never do anything with him, pure evil - ringing any bells?
Dr. Miller: Just the one in my head that goes off when I’m incredibly bored.
Carla: Okay, okay, okay. So how far over the Creek did you make it?
J.D.: I don’t know the exact distance in terms of feet and inches, but in laymen’s terms, I would have to say… about halfway.
Turk: Why?
Turk: Nurse Espinosa, would you mind getting me some sugar, stat.
Carla: Why, yes, Doctor.
They share a long kiss.
Carla: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Miller! I am attending a hospital administrator’s luncheon this afternoon. I would love for you to join me.
Dr. Cox: Not so fast, there, Bob. You forgot to affix the warning label to your forehead. You know, the one that reads “Exposure to Bob Kelso can be hazardous to your health” thus affording the reader a fighting chance to escape the waste and contamination that is… Bob Kelso.
Dr. Kelso: Gosh, darn it, Perry, you are entertaining. You know, like Howie Mandel or a monkey in a funny hat.
Elliot: What are you doing here? I thought you had like two days off?
J.D.: Had to pick up a mouth guard from oral surgery. Some of the kids at the park said I couldn’t jump Jones Creek on my bicycle; so now I gotta give ‘em the 4-1-1 on my mad daredevilin’ skills!
Elliot: Meanwhile, back in adult world… I was just given twelve new admits and now there’s no way that I can be a clown for the kids today!
Turk: You didn’t mind that cocky stuff, did ya?
Turk: Well, lemme tell you something - there’s plenty more where that came from, Killer B!
Turk’s Narration: What now, you mean witch?
Dr. Miller: I’m sorry, but if you act like a cartoon character in front of one of our patients again, I’m gonna spend the next ten years introducing you as the guy who sponges off my forehead. Okay, we’re done.
Dr. Cox: That was… that was glorious.
Dr. Miller: Okay.
Turk’s Narration: Damn, Elliot’s got a nice ass for a white chick! Stop it! Just ’cause you’re panicked about getting married doesn’t mean you have to reduce every woman to her physical attributes… Oh, great, my new scary boss and her amazing chest, butt, feet… I love feet.
Elliot: I’m sorry… It’s just I miss talking to you… I miss seeing you… I even miss that weird way you sleep with your eyes open.
Turk: Thanks for driving me to work, man.
J.D.: You kidding? I wanted to see the mailing of the invites! Once you drop those suckers in, there’s no turning back! I’m just mad I forgot my camera… Or did I?
J.D.: Dude, my tongue is totally dry. How many more of these wedding invites do I have to lick?
Turk: Fine. Don’t lick ‘em.
J.D.’s Narration: Come on, don’t get mad at Turk. What’s really bugging me is that, thanks to Dr. Cox, I’ve got nothing to do… nothing to talk about… no stories to tell.
Turk’s Narration: From the moment I woke up this morning, I have been freaking out about getting married. Luckily, Carla’s being cool.
Carla: Okay, this is your last chance to uninvite that slut you went out with in high school.
Turk: She’s married to my brother!
Carla: Isn’t that convenient.
Episode: 65 My Choosiest Choice Of All
Danni: Giddyup, Dr. Dorkian!
Dr. Cox: Did you… did you do that for me?
Dr. Cox: I don’t care! It is so naughty!
Janitor: Don’t look at me like that! This is your fault, anyway! You two made me dream again.
Turk: Hey, we weren’t the ones who caved in to Kelso.
Janitor: I do not owe you an explanation for that!
Carla: You’re right, you don’t owe us an explanation!
Turk: Lay some truth on him, baby!
Bandmate: How you feeling?
Jeff: Hey, Rick!
Bandmate: Hi!
Jeff: Audrey! Ryan! Tim! Jamie! Tobey!
Bandmate: Hey, Jeff!
Jeff: Joe!
Dr. Cox: I hope this won’t be awkward for ya, but I promised the whole band you’d have sex with them.
Danni: Okay, I’m gonna buy the next round. Which one of you handsome boys wanna help me carry it?
Sean: We’re both good-looking guys, am I right? We’ll sort this out when I get back!
Turk: Baby.
Carla: Hmm?
Turk: I would never sleep with your sister. She’s hideous.
J.D.: So, you’d rather hang out with someone you don’t even like than be alone?
Danni: Yeah, pretty much.
J.D.: Yeah, me too. I mean, come on, how many couples out there actually have fun together?
Sean: Guys! Elliot and I are in the middle of a marathon game of Hide & Go Seek. If she comes in, you didn’t see me!
J.D.’s Narration: In a big hospital, you can hide from almost anything. Except your conscience.
Dr. Cox: Oh, hey! Hey, Jordan! You know what’s weird?
Dr. Cox: We’re so close, and yet if anybody asks if we’re married, all either one of us can say is-is no.
Jordan: Actually, I say we were married for five years then got divorced, now we’re back living together, have a child, but we’re in a long-term, committed relationship.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, that’s what I say, too… That or… no.
Dr. Miller: Excuse me, I need to get a, uh-
Dr. Cox: Book about supply closet etiquette? Yeah, look, I’m kinda using this area?
Dr. Kelso: Listen, Serpico, I go four steps out that door to my car every day. And that’s important, because if I don’t beat
Carla: Bambi, when you broke up with Danni, you said it was the happiest day of your life!
J.D.: No, that was only because ‘Barney Miller’ came out on DVD.
Turk: And WoJo’s commentary on it? Priceless!
Dr. Miller: Okay, that’s all from me, Jeff. Any other questions you might have you can direct to Dr. Cox, here. I’m sure you’ll find him to be quite… something!
Dr. Cox: Ha-ha!
Janitor: My cousin is a bank teller, and he gave me one of those exploding ink cartridges they put in stolen money so I could figure out who’s been disconnecting the emergency exits!
He finds Dr. Kelso standing there, covered in blue ink.
Dr. Kelso: Nice work.
Dr. Kelso: Okay. This badge is now yours.
Janitor: I just want to thank you for believing in me. And I want to assure you that I am gonna be guarding these hospital gates the way Cerberus guarded the gates of Hell!
Dr. Kelso: Yeah, that’s terrific.
Dr. Cox: Honestly,
Dr. Cox: Who said who to what now?
J.D.: Do you have to do that here?
Danni: What? I like smoking after sex.
J.D.: And during. God, you never used to smoke!
Danni: Yeah, but back then I was pretending to be someone I thought you wanted me to be, and that didn’t work. So now… I’m gonna let the real me come out.
Dr Cox: I went ahead and took a look at your little rock star’s chart.
Dr. Miller: Oh, didja?
Dr. Cox: Yes, I did. And his urine output is dropping, so you should probably start him on Lasix.
Dr. Miller: You amuse me. So even though he’s post-op and still technically my patient, I’m gonna pretend to consider your opinion before I walk away and do whatever I want! Hmm. No!
Dr. Miller: Oh, yeah. That incision’s healing up nicely.
Jeff: Thanks again, Dr. Miller. I’m gonna have my band write a song about you.
Dr. Miller: Well, I’m glad I struck a chord!
Dr. Cox: Yeah, listen: While you were proving once and for all that pretty girls do not in fact need to be funny…
Elliot: Listen, J.D… Last night was really important to me.
J.D.: I know. I mean, you don’t want to be rusty at sex before you throw down with your real boyfriend, do ya?
Carla: Aww, Bambi freeze up again?
Turk: It’s not our problem, honey.
Episode: 66 MY Fault
Dr. Miller: Dr. Turk. Meet me in the O.R.
Turk: Fat flaps?
Dr. Miller: You got it!
Turk: I love fat flaps.
Carla: I love you!
Carla: Do you want me to re-invite her?
Turk: Do you want her there?
Carla: No. She’s too pretty. I want people looking at me.
Dr. Kelso: If you’re wondering what this is, Perry, it’s a list of the hundreds of people who’ve already signed up for our full body scan.
Dr. Cox: Well, bully for you, there, Bobbo.
Sean: Hey! So, U-Haul is parked outside, everything I own is in there. Well, except for this half of my salad tongs, but I-I was using it to scratch myself on the way over.
Dr. Cox: Not yet, you don’t.
Mr. Corman: For Pete’s sake… Will you leave me alone?
Dr. Cox: Look! This baby would mess with a normal person’s mind. So please hear me when I say that if you get this scan, it will ruin you. The next year of your life is gonna be a series of endless tests, and I’ll do whatever it takes to keep that from happening to you. Even if it means giving you free medical treatment the rest of your life.
Mr. Corman: How can I believe that you even care about me?
Dr. Kelso comes in.
Dr. Kelso: How are we doing, Mr. Corman?
Dr. Cox: Oh, uh, Bob. We, uh, we just had our scan. You win.
Dr. Kelso: And…?
Dr. Kelso holds his hand up and Dr Cox kisses his ring.
Dr. Kelso: Now, Perry, I know that was our first date, but next time, don’t be afraid to put a little feeling into it.
Baker: Miss Espinosa, it was a little difficult changing your cake at the last minute, but I was able to make it non-dairy like you requested.
Carla: My Uncle Ramon thanks you, and the rest of the people at table 3 thank you even more.
Dr. Cox: Listen to me! I am not losing a bet to Bob Kelso!
Mr. Corman: All this concern about my health and my well-being, and it’s about a bet!? You know what, that’s a pretty reprehensible thing to do! Well, if you’ll excuse me, I have a full body scan to take!… You drove me here. I’d like to see a dessert menu, please.
Mr. Corman: Listen, I appreciate the lunch. But are you actually trying to convince me, an admittedly frugal hypochondriac, not to get a free full body scan?
Dr. Cox: Mr. Corman, you’re not dying of anything! Although if you do try to swipe one more bite of my lamb medallions I will be forced to kill you.
Mr. Corman: Well, look who never learned to share.
Carla: Okay, why are you mad? You told me to un-invite people!
Turk: So, without asking, you went to my new boss and told her you didn’t want her to come to the wedding.
Carla: Nooo. I told her we didn’t want her to come.
Mr. Corman: Hey, what’s going on?
Dr. Cox: Zip it. I know a shortcut.
Mr. Corman: Help! I’m getting chair-jacked!
Mr. Corman: Thanks for the lift. Because, for some reason on Tuesdays, my feet just swell up like Jiffy Pop bags. I’m sure it’ll show up on the scan. Oh, if anything turns up green, it’s probably an emerald that I swallowed from my mother’s jewelry box when I was five. Gee, I’d like to get that back to her…
Elliot: You guys! Guess what. I just asked Sean if he would move in with me and… tell ‘em what you said!
Sean: “Yes!”
Elliot: Isn’t that great!
Janitor: That is great! Isn’t that great?
J.D.’s Narration: Full-lipped bastard.
Turk: Baby, I don’t get it. Last night I was the golden boy, and now I’m fat flap guy. Why would Dr. Miller turn on me? I’ve been great in surgery, I’ve been nice to her… she’s coming to the wedding!
Carla: No, she’s not.
Turk: What?
Carla: I un-invited her.
J.D.’s Narration: In the heat of battle, it’s important to hold your ground.
Mr. Corman: Doctor.
Dr. Cox: Well, now, Bobbo, you hooked him, you got him in the boat, but he still got away!
J.D.’s Narration: Because victory can be snatched away at the last second.
Dr. Kelso: Mr. Corman, your full body scan is on the house.
Mr. Corman: I’m listening.
Janitor: For three years I’ve been watching you pine after Blonde Doctor, and I gotta tell you, everyone is sick of it - “Will they? Won’t they? Looks like they’re going to! Oooh, the last second, something might- oooh oooh oooh!” Come on! Enough already! I mean, you guys aren’t exactly Ross and Rachel.
J.D.: Who?
Janitor: Dr. Ross, and Rachel from Bookkeeping.
J.D.: Mmm.
Janitor: Why don’t you just let her be happy with… stunningly handsome, full-lipped guy.
Dr. Miller: Now this is your big shot, so if you don’t want me to throw you out of here, you’ve gotta get through this whole procedure without making a single sex joke.
Todd: No problem.
Dr. Miller: All right, to really get at this, I think we need to go in from behind.
Cut to…
Dr. Miller: AND STAY OUT!
Todd: Totally worth it!
Mr. Corman: Why should I even listen to you? The last time I was here, you tried to torture me to prove a point. Dr.- Dr.- Dr.-
Dr. Cox: Cox.
Mr. Corman: Mengele!
Dr. Cox: Uh!
J.D.: She’s quite mad, you know. I hope she doesn’t rub off on you.
Todd: Oh!… Too easy.
Episode: 67 My Self-Examination
Turk: Anyway, uh… I may not ever be able to tell you how much you mean to me, but I promise I will try to show you… for the rest of my life. I love you.
Carla: I love you.
Elliot: Aren’t they amazing?
J.D.: I don’t love you.
Elliot: What?
J.D.: Please don’t cry.
Elliot: Oh, I won’t.
She angrily shoves him and throws him over the table
J.D.: Oh, God! Someone call 9-1-1!
Elliot: Oh, could I get a little more wine, please?
Dr. Cox: Because you’re so much like your mother, you wouldn’ta listened anyway.
Dr. Cox: No biting.
Turk: You’re making a big mistake.
J.D.: Come on, man. Elliot and I are like best friends. We love hanging out with each other. Maybe that’s love. I mean, who-who knows what love really is?
Turk: I do. J.D., when I look at Carla, I see the future. I see kids, I see minivans, I see a beer gut - on me, of course, not her.
J.D.: I hope so.
Turk: So I take it you haven’t broken up with her yet.
J.D.: Yeah, I decided to stay with her forever.
Turk: That’s great, dude. I know you think you’re being nice, but I’m pretty sure Elliot doesn’t want to spend her life with someone who doesn’t love her.
J.D.: Oh, you know what? If it’s okay with you, I’m gonna go ahead and take relationship advice from someone whose fiancee is currently speaking to him. Ohhhh!
Turk: Ohhhh-ho!
J.D.: Gimme some champagne! I need a victory sip!
Turk: Oh, my God. My future brother-in-law is an evil genius!
Elliot: I’m gonna go, uh, check on “Sally”! Ha!… Okay, not funny yet.
Dr. Cox: Well, when it’s my turn to listen to the baby monitor, I just wait till you’re asleep and I turn it off!
Dr. Cox: Oh… You and your mother are basically the same person.
Dr. Cox: Those pants make your ass look giant.
Dr. Cox: I’m doing it for us. You suck at Scrabble.
Dr. Cox: You got so much Botox in your expressionless face, I can’t tell.
Turk: I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you’re looking at me like I’m nuts. Yeah, like you got right now! Just like that one! I love that you’re the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night.
J.D.: Turk!
Turk: Dude, I’m workin’ here. And it’s not because I’m lonely, and it’s not because it’s our rehearsal dinner. I came here tonight because, when you realize you wanna spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
Carla: Turk.
Turk: Yeah, baby?
Carla: That’s the speech from ‘When Harry Met Sally’.
Carla: Well, you have to do something.
Dr. Cox: No I don’t, you jackass!
Carla: Ha ha! Sweetie, you ain’t getting any here. I’m getting married tomorrow.
Dr. Cox: Please?
Elliot: God, I can’t remember the last time I saw you in this suit and tie.
J.D.: How can you not remember that time we were with those-
Elliot: Oh, God! With the two guys!
J.D.: -the two guys, and their mom was trying to sing that song!
Elliot: It was so funny!
J.D.: So funny… Till they had to… put their horse down.
Elliot: Oh, yeah…
Elliot/J.D.: Poor Cinnamon.
Elliot: He could run like the wind, but his tail couldn’t put out that fire.
Turk: You know what, tell her I couldn’t come up with anything, so I guess I don’t love her.
Marko: Gimme that.
Turk: For what?
Marko: I’m gonna write your vows for you… Ooh! A clicky top!
Turk: Baby, you mean so much to me. That’s why you my baby. And, yeah, there were babies before you, but I promise you, baby, you will be my baby forever, baby… Stop saying “baby”!
Dr. Kelso: You just bought yourself four weekends on call! Damn twisty bottoms!
Carla: You just said you didn’t care. Why are you fighting?
Dr. Cox: I can’t stop.
J.D.’s Narration: Once you embrace a relationship and decide that you’re really in, everything becomes easier. And I am in, baby!
Elliot: So, my parents are coming to town next week.
J.D.: We must eat with them!
Elliot: Oh. All right.
Turk: Dude, I would love to help right now, but I’m in the middle of writing my vows. And all I’ve got so far is, “Let’s give it up for the caterers! WOO! Good chicken!”
J.D.: So now that you’re gettin’ married, it’s all about you.
Turk: No, now that I’m getting married tomorrow, it’s about me.
Marko: Ooh, still seems that you can take a minute for a friend.
J.D.: I know!
Turk: Shut up, Marko!
J.D.: Turk, I need your help, man. It’s about Elliot.
Marko: Why, did you sleep with her again?
J.D.: How does everybody know about this?
Dr. Cox: Tell me, did ya happen to come across any pamphlets on people who only work eight days a year and then spend the other 357 whining about it?
Dr. Cox: Oh, good. Here you’re wetting down the floor for the older folks.
Janitor: Please say that you’re talking to me.
Dr. Cox: I don’t see anybody else around, soap jockey.
J.D.’s Narration I guess the Soup Nazi was right, it is the little things that are important. Like when Elliot blows the bangs out of her face. Or how she’s the only person I know who sneezes with her eyes open.
Elliot: Atchoo. Ahem. ‘Scuse me.
J.D.’s Narration: And that’s when I realized that I really liked all those things about Elliot, but I didn’t love them… and I didn’t love her.
Episode: 68 My Best Friend’s Wedding
J.D.’s Narration: Besides, somehow you always seem to end up with the person you’re meant to be with.
Janitor: One, two, three.
J.D. and Janitor lift the chair with a pssed out Dr. Kelso sitting on it
J.D.: Thanks for helping out.
Janitor: I’m only going as far as the dumpster.
Turk: Hey. How’s it going, Mr. Fitzpatrick?
Mr. Fitzpatrick: Actually, it’s Father Fitzpatrick.
Carla: Could you do us a quick favor?
Elliot: J.D.! It’s not happening. Besides, if Sean and I are meant to be together, I never would have gone home with you that night and sabotaged everything that I had with him.
J.D.: You and I are gonna be okay, right?
Elliot: What do you think?
J.D.: Probably not… Elliot! You let me know when we are.
Elliot: Don’t hold your breath.
Sean: Elliot, do you wanna get out of here?
Elliot: Sean, look, I don’t know what J.D. told you, but… if we’re gonna give this another try, you need to know that I didn’t end things with you because I was freaking out about us living together. I did it because… J.D. and I have this history and… I actually thought he might be the one. But I just ended up getting my heart broken.
Sean: Sucks, doesn’t it?
Sean: So, what have you been up to?
Elliot: Doctor stuff. Heh. You?
Sean: Oh, I-I was crying a lot. And then I got really emotionally numb. Um, oh, and this morning, I jammed a salad fork two inches into my thigh to see if I could still feel the pain.
Elliot: And?
Sean: Oh, yeah.
Elliot: Good.
Carla: No music. I swear, Turk, I am this close to losing it!
Dr. Cox: Carla?
Dr. Cox: I-I just wanted to say that that was one of the most beautiful ceremonies that I’ve ever seen.
Turk: Why isn’t the band playing?
Laverne: In a word? Shrimps. Nasty, one-day-old shrimp. The band got into ‘em while we was waiting at the church for your sorry ass.
J.D.’s Narration: There she is! Do something charming.
J.D.: Elliot, check it out. Kelso gave me his car keys.
He tosses the keys, hitting her in the face.
Elliot: Ow! What are you doing?!
J.D.: I’m-I’m just trying to think of ways to make things right!
Elliot: Well, you can cross off keys in the face!
Carla: I can’t believe he’s not here yet!
J.D.: Don’t worry! I made it!
Carla: I don’t care about you, you idiot!
J.D.(to the priest): They had premarital sex.
J.D.: I didn’t steal Elliot from you, man! She just panicked ’cause you guys were moving in together!
Sean: I don’t know, J.D…
J.D.: Sean, if you have any guts at all, you will show up at this wedding, take her into your… hairy arms, and tell her you want her back!… You should… probably shower first.
Marco: I knew that jackass would screw this up!
Todd: Did you just dis my friend, Turk?
Marco: What are you gonna do about it, meathead?
Todd: My friend, I am about to make you look very silly!
Todd prepares to hit Marco but Marco gives him a push and he tumbles off the altar
Laverne: Things are starting to heat up.
Dr. Kelso: I just wanna wish you two all the luck in the world because, you see, the key to marriage is… work.
J.D.: Look, Elliot, just tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it.
Elliot: Go back three days and keep me from throwing away my life for you.
J.D.’s Narration: In that second, I knew how to make things right if I just had the time.
Carla: What do you mean you’re gonna be late?
J.D.: Sweet!
Carla: What did you say?
J.D.: Nothing, girl!
Todd: Dude, that pick-up line you gave me for all the Spanish chicks is not working.
Marco: Maybe you’re saying it wrong. Let’s hear it.
Todd(Translated): I have genital herpes… for you.
Marco: Nope. That’s right. Keep trying.
Todd(Translated): Many herpes!… Big! Oh, yeah!
Worthless Peons: “(Bum-bum-bum) Hava nagila, hava nagila, hava na-”
J.D.: Ted! Church!
Ted: We do mostly Bar Mitzvahs.
Dr. Miller: So, are you ready for your appendectomy?
Mr. Fitzpatrick: Hey, what do you do with an appendix after you’ve removed it?
Turk: We make finger puppets.
Elliot: I just love you so much.
Carla: I love you too!
Elliot: Even though I ripped off your sister’s eyebrow?
Carla: That’s okay… You know, this morning she actually said she was gonna look better than me!?
Elliot: Not anymore
