Season 2

Episode:25 My Overkill

J.D.: You know, Elliot, I think we should talk about the sexual tension-
Elliot: There is no sexual tension, okay!… Just… go ahead and look before your neck snaps.

He drops his gaze to her breasts for a few seconds, then meets her eyes again.
J.D.: Awesome!
Elliot: J.D., the problem is this place. I mean, when we broke up, I had to see you the next day… and the next day. And we never… got any distance from the relationship. I never got… to move on, you know?
J.D.: And the-and the sexual tension.
Dr. Kelso: Buzzy, buzz, buzz…
Dr. Cox: I… beg your pardon?
Dr. Kelso: Oh, uh, that’s the sound of all the bees in your bonnet. And, Perry, even though I could give a rat’s ass, I still think it’s a pretty sound!

Dr. Kelso: You did… nothing?
J.D.: Nothing at all.
Dr. Kelso: Great job, sport!
J.D.’s Narration: Huh?
Dr. Kelso: Whenever a patient gets bounced from ward to ward, there’s always a chance a high fever could be sustained - or even caused - by a constant stream of different antibiotics. It’s call drug fever. And it’s a good catch by Dr. Dorian. Next patient! Mush, people. Mush! Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!
Mr. Zerbo: Thank you, doctor.
J.D.: Oh, no problem.

Turk: You should be glad I never took our relationship for granted, you silly woman!
J.D.: If we could just refrain from name calling-
Dr. Cox: Oprah’s right!
Turk: Lay off of him.
Carla: You’re just pissed because you’re still in love with your ex.
Dr. Cox: Okay, that’s it! Now, I have killed for so much less than that, and I’ll damn sure do it again unless you all shut the hell up right now and I MEAN NOW!
J.D.: Aren’t you glad we did this?

J.D.: I think there are some simple solutions. Dr. Cox, you’re angry with me.
Dr. Cox: No, I’m not.
J.D.: And you won’t admit this, but you’re in love with Carla.
Carla: No, he’s not.
Dr. Cox: Actually, I am.
Carla: You’re starting again.
J.D.: And Carla, you’re mad that Turk didn’t trust you enough to tell you.
Turk: See? Trust, woman, trust!
J.D.: Whatever. The point is that Turk is sorry.
Turk: Not anymore!
Carla: I can’t believe you thought he was a threat.
Dr. Cox: I’m a threat!
Carla: You’re not in love with me, you idealize me.
J.D.: Can we just try and stay focused-
Turk: You’re mad ’cause I’m scared of losing you?
Carla: Yes, because we’re stronger than that!
Dr. Cox: Apparently not!

Todd: You look totally hot, Mirror Todd.

J.D.: Yeah. You know what’s weird, though? It’s like, Dr. Cox and I are pretty vegan-kosher.
Turk: He hasn’t yelled at you?
J.D.: No.
Turk: This is the guy that screamed on you for like twenty minutes for dropping a thermometer? And he hasn’t raised his voice once about you bumping uglies with his ex-wife?
J.D.: Mm-mm.
Turk: I don’t get that guy.

J.D. and Turk in bed
J.D.: I can’t believe how weird it feels to be back here again.
Turk: Yeah… But it seems so right.
J.D.: If Carla’s so mad, I don’t understand why she doesn’t just crash at her own place.
Turk: Oh, she is back at her place.
J.D.: What are you talking about, Willis?
Turk: That’s pretty funny! We should make that one of our things.
J.D.: Yeah, I know.
Carla: That’s stupid.

J.D.’s Narration: Oh, for God’s sakes, would you throw her a rope?
J.D.: I have no idea how to treat this patient. Help me out.
J.D.’s Narration: Now, she’s in a really awkward place; so just be sensitive.
J.D.: I think we should sex each other.

Episode: 26 My Nightingale

Jordan: God, that feels good, J.D.
(Dr. Cox stops kissing Jordan and turns her around)
Dr. Cox: You will now pay for that…
Jordan: God, I hope so!

Dr. Cox: Good evening, everybody. Bob Kelso is…
J.D.’s Narration: In moments of truth, we always reveal who we really are.
Dr. Cox: Bob Kelso is an awful, awful man… I’m not joking. He’s the devil. What’s wrong with you people? This is-
Dr. Kelso: Yeah! Great stuff, Perry! Great stuff! Is this guy a hoot, or what? (to Dr Cox) I’ll have your ass for this.

Carla: You all claim you want more responsibility… But you’re being outsmarted by a doctor who wears scrubs made out of hemp; you’re afraid to stand up to a volunteer who’s answering the clinic phones; and Bambi, did you ever place that femoral swan?
J.D.: It’s on my to-do list.

J.D.: His vitals are exactly the same. There’s gotta be one attending in this stupid hospital.
Carla: You guys are unbelievable.
Turk: Oh, thank you, baby.
Carla: Not the good kind.
Turk: I know!

Janitor: You rang. Lurch.
J.D.: Oh. Um. My stethoscope is stuck up there, and I need you to get it down for me.
Janitor: You put it up there.
J.D.: It’s really neither here nor there.
Janitor: Fine. All right, we’re even.
J.D.: Thank God.
Janitor: You know you could have just asked me to stop hassling you for, like, a year?
J.D.: Okay, I want that, then.
Janitor: It’s too late.

Dr. Kelso: There you are! Had to make me sweat, didn’t ya! Good for you, buckaroo. Here. I took the liberty of writing out my introduction.
Dr. Cox: Oh! “Bob Kelso is… the love of my life.”
Dr. Kelso: My wife was going to do it.
Dr. Cox: She doesn’t even seem to be here, Bob.
Dr. Kelso: Eh. What’re you gonna do?

Dr. Cox: I can’t stop thinking about putting up with you.
Jordan: Look: This is pointless, angry, shallow sex! Why would you go and ruin something like that?
Dr. Cox: I’m real sorry, but that’s just not enough for me anymore.
Jordan: Sweetie, I have feelings for you, too; I do. But unlike you, I have some balls, so you don’t hear me whining about it.

Jordan: You don’t like me.
Dr. Cox: I watch you when you sleep.
Jordan: Well that just gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Dr. Cox: Hey, Jordan, there’s something I really want to say to you…
Jordan: But can you say it while I’m drinking water? Because I’m really dying of thirst-
Dr. Cox: I like you… again. There, you win. You can ahead and do your victory dance or slaughter a goat or whatever it is you do when you’re happy.

Elliot: Look, I just thought we’d talk to you up here about it so you could see that we don’t have any more beds and we really can’t handle any more patients.
ER Doc: Okay. You talk way too fast.
Elliot: If you could just keep one person downstairs, we’d be willing to throw a parade for you!
Carla: She needs you to give her a break.
ER Doc: Oh. Well, tell her that we’re really swamped.
Carla: She can understand you!
Elliot: Uh-huh! Yeah!
ER Doc: Well then, uh, understand this: Chill out, bitty.

J.D.’s Narration: Ahh, the classic Catch-22 between Medical and Surgical. Bottom-line, somebody needs to be decisive.
J.D.: Okay, here’s the plan: We do nothing.
Elliot: Sounds good.
Turk: I’m in.
Carla: That’s inspiring.

Janitor: Want me to knock him out?
J.D.: What are you doing in here?
Janitor: I owe ya. I’m helping you out.

Turk: Who let that damn clinic page me ’cause a patient thinks their tongue is too spongy!? Huh!? Who!?

Jordan: My back hurts.
Dr. Cox: Oh, yeah? Well my front hurts, so touche.
Jordan: Ah, always a charmer.

Ted: Dr. Kelso lets us practice here at night.
J.D.: Oh, yeah, I remember, the… uh, cartoon theme songs.
Ted: No, no, no. That was lame. We do prime-time now.

Ted: Hey. This is my band. We all work in different departments in the hospital.
J.D.: Ted, I know, you told me last time that we-
Ted(sings): Legal!
Man 1(sings): Accounting!
Man 2(sings): Shipping and Receiving!
Man 3(sings): On-site property management including pest control, night-time security, non-arboreal gardening services, and tenant-related easements and liens!
J.D.: Hey, you got promoted!
The Worthless Peons: And it’s about time. He’s been busting his hump around here for six years. Mm-mmm.

Carla: Say what you want, I know you care about her. In fact, I bet that after you two are done playing racquet-ball or talking or whatever you crazy kids are calling it, you’d like nothing better than to just lie there and pass the time by watching her sleep.
Dr. Cox: Carla, it’s impossible to actually lie next to Jordan, seeing as she sleeps hanging upside-down from the ceiling, wrapped in a cocoon of her own wings.
Carla: That’s nice.

Carla: You still like her.
Dr. Cox: Why, because we had a conversation in an empty room?
Carla: That room’s not empty.

Dr. Cox: Well, I’m glad we finally had a chance to, uh, talk.
Jordan: You and me, both. I mean, I haven’t had anyone to talk to lately.
Dr. Cox: Whoa-kay.
Jordan: But boy, you sure do talk fast.
Dr. Cox: Bye-bye!
Jordan: Next time we talk, maybe I could finish a sentence or two.

Elliot: You guys, we’re residents now. We’re supposed to have more responsibility, you know?
Turk: I scratched my nose with Bad Guy’s toe.
J.D.: I think we just have to accept the fact that we’re the most under-appreciated people at this hospital.
Carla: Oh, Bambi, I really feel for you.
J.D.: Thank you!
Turk: She doesn’t.

Dr. Cox: Hey, Bob. As far as the whole intro thing goes, I’ve actually gone ahead and given it a lot of thought, but I’m afraid I’m gonna very politely have to tell you to blow it out your ass.
Dr. Kelso: I think we both understand how this works. It’s like when my dog Baxter goes winkle on the carpet: He always heads right straight away from the tool shed, but we both know that’s where he’s gonna spend the night.
Jordan: Charming story.

Dr. Kelso: Miss Sullivan, I just want to thank you and the rest of the board for giving me this award. The fact that your first choice passed away last weekend in no way makes it any less special.
Jordan: Are you sure? ‘Cause it seems like it does.

Dr. Cox: Mary. Rhoda. Chart, please… What’d I stutter? Gimme the chart. Atta girl. Ew. Man. I don’t like his 0-2 set. Grab me a doughnut, will ya?
Elliot: Oh, you mean like a- um- a blood-pressure thingie?
Dr. Cox: I mean like a glazed thingie. And I like sprinkles on half of it; so if you can’t find a half sprinkled, get me all sprinkles and just go ahead and pick half of ‘em off.
J.D.: You know that was…kind of demeaning.
Dr. Cox: You know, you’re right. Would you do me a favor and apologize to her while you get me some coffee. And please be quick, otherwise I’m just gonna have the manager send over a different waitress. Go. You’re done now. Yeah.

Episode: 27 My Case Study

J.D.: Well what about your new mop?!
Janitor: I like the old one.
J.D.: But you cried!
Janitor: No, that was you.

Todd: You’re the husband? We’ve gotta get you some bigger hands.

J.D.: Look, I wanna be like you… but a more successful you. There’s nothing wrong with playing the game once in a while. Tell you what: Ten years form now, when I’m your boss, I’ll go ahead and throw in a good word for you and you won’t even have to ask… sir.

Elliot: Carla, you know I would kill for your hair.
Carla: Really?
Elliot: Yeah.
Carla: Well, I would kill for your legs.
Elliot: I would kill for your lips!
Carla: I’d kill for that wagon you’re draggin’… That’s your butt.
Elliot: Oh! Thank you! “Wagon”?
Carla: Draggin’.

Elliot: Is J.D. here?
Carla: No, it’s just me.
Elliot: Oh… Um… I guess I’ll just… wait, too.
Carla: Crap.
Elliot: Fine, I’ll wait outside.
Carla: No! I’m just talkin’ to my hair. I mean, if it’s even the least bit humid, all of a sudden I’m Dr. J.
Elliot: Is he in Radiology?
Carla: Yeah! Uh-huh.

Dr. Kelso: Look, sport: If people think I’m only giving once a year, they’ll only be asking me for things once a year. Capiche? Now get out of my eyeline - Nurse Tisdale’s wearing ankle-socks today.
Turk: How ’bout I don’t. And how about you help me out, and I won’t tell anybody about this. Unless you like it when people come and ask you for stuff, like, every single day.
Dr. Kelso: Fat camp. Six years she’s been going there, and the only thing getting any thinner is my wallet!

Turk: Excuse me, Dr. Kelso? Could I have a minute of your time?
Dr. Kelso: Oh, for God’s sake, son, I have two more days of peace before my wife returns from fat camp.
Turk: Look: I need an argon laser and I was gonna ask you yesterday but then all of a s- Hold up. How can you make love to your wife if she’s at fat camp?
Dr. Kelso: The real question is, how can I make love to her when she’s not at fat camp?

Dr. Cox: Newbie, whatta you say?
J.D.’s Narration: I just had to go for it.
J.D.: Actually, if you could just give me a second, I want to ask Mrs. Warner something.
Dr. Cox: What?
J.D.: To marry me.

Turk: Man, today could not get any worse.
Carla: If you were to change one thing about my physical appearance, what would it be?
Turk: You’re testing me. I get it!
Carla: Baby. You know I don’t like you talkin’ to God while we’re trying to have a discussion.
Turk: Mm-hmm.
Carla: Now, if I were to be really honest with myself, I would change everything. What do you think?
Turk: Why don’t we just skip what I think and jump straight ahead to not having sex for a month?

J.D.: You can’t just change your mind!
Mike: Oh, I’m sorry. Did I pass out from the pain in my penis and suddenly we’re not in America anymore?

J.D.: Nothing, sir. I don’t want anything from you, ever.
Dr. Kelso: You know, that’s what my son always says. But then when Mother’s Day rolls around, guess who wants me to go halvsies on a pasta pot for Enid?
J.D.: Well, sir, I-
Dr. Kelso: She’s not my mother, dammit!

Mrs. Kellerman: Look, I’ve been self-conscious my whole life; and I finally got the courage. Besides, can you two honestly say there’s not one thing you’d change about yourself if you could?
Carla: I can honestly say that.
Elliot: Me too.
Mrs. Kellerman: Then you’re both liars!
Todd: Hey, Mrs. K. Let’s get you into a fresh pair of blouse bunnies.

Elliot: You’re getting fake breasts?
Mrs. Kellerman: Stripper big.
Carla: Forgive me, Mrs. Kellerman, but why would you wait until now to do this?
Elliot: You know, ’cause you’re so old!
Carla: Yeah, Elliot, she gets that.
Elliot: Yeah, I know! I’m sure she gets it all the time!

Dr. Cox: I’ll tell you what, there, bubby: If you really wanna help me, why don’t you quiet down and get yourself some rest. And then, if you’re a really good girl, I’ll wind up your car and take you out to a talkie.
Mrs. Warner: Oh, I could do naughty things to that man.
J.D.: Uncomfortable…

Dr. Cox: Ohh, come on, the kid’s okay.

J.D.’s Narration: “The kid”? This is great.
Mrs. Warner: So, why haven’t I heard your name before?
J.D.: Well, I’ve only been here a year, and he’s actually just started calling me “The Kid” - which I love, by the way.
Dr. Cox: She’s talking to me, pumpkin.
J.D.: Okay.

Episode: 28 My Big Mouth

Bonnie: Shove it, Turk!
Turk: Oh, I’ll shove it. And love it. And dance around above it.

J.D.: Carla! Look, every time you screwed up with me, I’ve totally let you off the hook.
Carla: When have I ever screwed up with you?
J.D.: Okay, never.

Carla: Mr. Hogan, what the hell?
Mr. Hogan: Well, what would you do if your five-year-old son begged you to have a bite of his dinner?
Carla: You had two dozen ribs!
Mr. Hogan: I know… I don’t even have a kid.

Troy: Take that, smart guy!
Janitor: Troy. That’s not how we do it.

Janitor: Hello? We can hear you! Hello!?
Troy: Why won’t it stop ringing!?!?
Janitor: Hello? For the love of God! Hello?!!!
J.D.: All right, look: Okay, I never meant to insinuate you guys were stupid, all right? Everyone knows you’re a hundred times smarter than the jackasses that run this place.
Dr. Kelso: Is that so, sport?
J.D.: No, sir. It’s not so.

Elliot: Yes, it’s like being blind in one eye… except you’ll be blind in both.

Dr. Cox: There ya go, prom queen. There’s some really tragic stuff in there, so, you know, go nuts.
Elliot: All-all of these are your patients?
Dr. Cox: No, but when word got about your little offer, a bunch of other docs wanted in.
Elliot: Oh, great! More for me!

Turk: Oh, my God. Okay, fine! Look, you go to Mexico, okay? And, by the way, “dolor en el asno” means “pain in the ass” - I thought it would help you when you introduce yourself.

J.D.: So, we’re even, right?
Carla: Even? I told a nurse you switched her shifts - you babbled all my crazy to the person I plan on spending the rest of my life with!
J.D.: Well, I could’ve spent the rest of my life with Lauren!… Or at least with her tushie. I just want to wash it… is that weird?

Elliot: Dr. Cox!
Dr. Cox: Aw, geez, Edith!
Elliot: Hi!… This chair won’t pull out.
Dr. Cox: Oh! Maybe that’s because my ankles are wrapped around it. (edit)

Turk: Dr. Kelso, can I bother you for a second?
Dr. Kelso: Based on history, I’d say yes.
Turk: I know for a fact that Dr. Wen recommended Bonnie.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Turk, I chose you over that nice young lady because we’re going to be moving around a lot, and I can’t be pulling over every two minutes for pee-pee stops and those nylons that come in plastic eggs!
Turk: Dr. Kelso, don’t you think that’s a little sexist?
Dr. Kelso: I don’t know, sport? Is it sexist to hold the door for a woman? Is it sexist to keep the pretty nurses and unload a few uggos? The rules have changed so much, I just can’t keep up. Tell you what: Let’s stop jiggling each other’s marbles. Why don’t you decide who should go; that way, when you choose yourself, I won’t have to deal with all this horrible guilt.

J.D.’s Narration: Okay, you can fix this.
J.D.: Carla, look, I messed up and I’m so sorry.
Carla: Bambi. We’re good, okay? We’re pals!
J.D.: Ah, thank you!
Lauren: So you think it’s funny to switch people’s shifts, huh?
Carla: Bye, pal!
Lauren: I missed my baby’s first steps!
J.D.: I’m so sorry. Does this mean you’re married?

Carla: Mr. Hogan, I’ve come up with a little mantra for you.
Mr. Hogan: Hit me.
Carla: If meat is your treat, your esophageal varices will bleed into your intestines, causing you to digest your own blood, leading to a horrible, horrible death!
Mr. Hogan: Catchy!
Carla: Just, uh, say it over and over again.
Mr. Hogan: Horrible, horrible death. Horrible, horrible death. Horrible, horrible death…

Turk: J.D. said you’re a big ol’ can o’ crazy.
J.D.: A little can… a very tiny, small can.
Turk: Nah, you said big can

Dr. Wen: Christopher!
Turk: Sorry, sir. I just can’t believe Kelso chose me.
Dr. Wen: Yeah, me neither. I told him to take Bonnie.
Turk: So, then, why did he pick me?
Dr. Wen: Among all the surgery residents, what’s the difference between you, Bonnie, Todd, Steve, Eric, and V.J.?
Turk: First of all, she’s a-
Dr. Wen: There it is.
Turk: Wait, because she’s-?
Dr. Wen: Yep.
Turk: She?
Dr. Wen: Exactly.
Turk: Huh? It’s because she’s a woman… Damn!

Dr. Cox: It’s not possessed! It’s… for sitting.
Elliot: Excuse me?
Dr. Cox: For God’s sake, you must park it… ‘Course, what we generally do now is eat… Eat.
Elliot: I can’t! I’m too nervous!

J.D.: Carla! Trust me, there’s no way that he’s cheating on you.
Carla: Yeah, you’re probably right.
J.D.: Wait, that’s it? You were just freakin’ out.
Carla: Hey, you wanted in!
J.D.’s Narration: Crazy!

Dr. Kelso: Doctors! Something I’ve taken great pride in over the years is Sacred Heart’s involvement in the esteemed “Doctors Without Borders” program. Now, every year, I single out the most qualified surgical resident to accompany me to Mexico for a weekend. Anyway, I’ve made my decision…
Todd: Thank you, sir. You haven’t lived until you’ve tasted El Todd’s guac.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Turk, pack your bag.
Todd: Dang!

Episode: 29 My New Coat

Laverne: Come on, baby. Let’s see if we can find you a ride.
J.D.: Laverne! Careful.

Dr. Kelso: So, uh, I hear there was an age mix-up that I was not aware of. And, umm… anyway, uhh…
Carla: You’re okay.
Dr. Kelso: I’m… “sorry”.
J.D.’s Narration: I guess it comes down to how we want to be seen by other people.
Dr. Cox: Well, I’m proud of you, Robert. Put her there.
He holds out his hand then jerks it away.
Dr. Cox: Woof. Oh, and I think it’s important you understand that I had no idea how old that patient was, and, for the record, she could’ve been a hundred and seventy - I still woulda stuck her in that trial so fast, it’d make your teeth fall out all over again.

J.D.: You were wrong and I was right.
Dr. Cox: I beg your pardon?
J.D.: Anosmia isn’t a side-effect of I.V. Imipenem. Plus, Mr. Blair had multiple nasal polypectomies, and septoplasty; and his loss of smell is most likely caused by repeated manipulation of the sinuses along with concurrent infection. So, I didn’t make a mistake; and you were wrong when you said, “Nice goin’, Newbie.”
Dr. Cox: Here you’ve put me in a tough situation: I can’t honestly decide whether to say, “Duh,” uh, “Doy,” or a very sarcastic, “Oh, really?” My God, Fiona, I know it wasn’t your fault; hell, the patient probably knows! But he seemed a little distraught, like maybe being able to blame somebody for a second or two just might make him feel a little better? And, I know, maybe it’s me, but doesn’t that seem like something that goes right along with wearing that fancy white coat? It… does, doesn’t it.
J.D.: Kinda.
Dr. Cox: Gosh, I’m so proud of ya. Put her there.
He hold out his hand
Dr. Cox: Woof.
J.D.’s Narration: “Woof”?

J.D.’s Narration: Armed with the knowledge that I was right and he was wrong, I thought I’d enjoy this walk more. Still, I couldn’t help but empathize, because I’ve been there, and I saw the signs: The shameful, averted gaze… The nervous shifting… And, of course, the wild, uncontrollable urination.
Dr. Cox: Gosh, I’m thrilled you approve, but, for the last time: I’m up here. I’m up here. I’m up here!

Carla: Mrs. Bumbry’s fifty-three.
Dr. Kelso: Mrs. who is what?
Carla: The patient Dr. Cox got in to the G.I. clinical trial. She was disqualified because her chart said she was sixty-three, and the cut-off is fifty-five. But, the genius who admitted her calculated her age wrong; she’s actually a perfect candidate.
Dr. Kelso: And Dr. Cox knew this?
Carla: He knew the whole time.
Dr. Kelso: Fan-damn-tastic. Sweetheart, you’d better do the old heel-toe out of here, because you know as well as I do I’m going to take this out on somebody.
Carla: Bye-bye!
Ted: May I, uh, join you?
Dr. Kelso: By all means!

Woman: Excuse me, Doctor?
Janitor: Oh, no, I’m not a doctor; I’m a janitor.
Woman: Oh. I just assumed because of the coat.
Janitor: Right. Well, uh, janitors wear white coats around here, too.
Woman: Oh. You guys do a great job keeping this place clean.
Janitor: We thank you.
J.D.: No, I’m a doctor! Look at the books, woman!

Dr. Cox: Oh, sore spot!
Elliot: Uh, what spot?
Dr. Cox: “Sore spot.”
Elliot: Dammit!

Dr. Cox: And for the hundredth time: You’re right, you had absolutely nothing to do with me getting involved in this Mrs. Bumbry case. But, for God’s sake, Carla, the much bigger problem facing us right now is just exactly how do we get you to stop annoying me?
Carla: Oh, yeah, I’m the problem. Look: Can’t you just, for once, stay out of your own way?
Dr. Cox: Can’t you just, for once, not be such a busy-body?

Elliot: No, Dr. Murray, I don’t want any fries to go with this shake! I don’t even know what that means!
Noelle: Excuse me, Dr. Reid?
Elliot: What? What!? You wanna ask me how many ceiling tiles I’ve counted this week? Or maybe you just wanna call me a name: Like “tramp” or “ho” or “slesident” - which, apparently, is half “slut” and half “resident”.
Noelle: No…
Elliot: Then what is it, Noelle, what do you want?
Noelle: I just wanted to know where the G-Spot is.
Elliot: The what-spot?

Dr. Amato: I saw you switched off on our exploratory laparotomy this afternoon.
Turk: Yeah, it’s ’cause I-I-I had to do a-
Dr. Amato: It’s because I’m short.
Turk: You’re not short.
Dr. Amato: Look, I know I’m the surgical assignment booby-prize, okay; but if my only other choice is being stuck in that stupid boys’ club, I’d rather have them all make fun of me.
Turk: What could they possibly make fun of you-
Dr. Amato: Stop it. All I’m saying is that it’s possible to be a good surgeon without playing their game, okay?
Turk: You’re really short.
Dr. Amato: I know.

Mr. Blair: I told you I didn’t want these antibiotics. Tell you what: When your first grand-kid is born, you pick him up and you smell his head, why don’t you give me a call and tell me how great it is?
J.D.: Mr. Blair, I’m really sorry this happened.
J.D.’s Narration: And sometimes, it hits you in places you didn’t even know you were vulnerable.
Mr. Blair: Yeah, well you should be. It’s your fault.
Dr. Cox: No more silly medical mistakes, huh? Nice going, there, Newbie.
J.D.’s Narration: Damn.

Turk: Plus, when she dated J.D., she would just wear a t-shirt in the morning; so when she reached up high to grab a box of cereal, everybody in the room got two scoops of booty-flakes; and the two scoops - they were packed with flavor. You know what I’m sayin’!

Laverne: The patient’s complaining of anosmia.
J.D.: Anosmia? You know, I always thought it was very funny that losing your sense of smell was called anosmia. “Anos-mia”, you know, like “schnoz-mia.” Don’t you find that very funny? He doesn’t.
Laverne: I’m calling Dr. Cox.
J.D.: Whoa; nobody needs to go call Dr. Cox.
Mr. Blair: This is only temporary, right?
J.D.: ‘Course its temporary. It could also be slightly more un-temporary.

Episode: 30 My Big Brother

Turk: Dude, that girl in the wolf outfit is totally checking you out!
J.D.: I’d let her to blow my house down, you know what I’m sayin’!

J.D.: Look, I know you, okay. I know the reason you wanted to pretend you’re a doctor yesterday is ’cause you hate working in that bar and you wanted to feel like somebody for once. Come on, man, you’re not-you’re not driving that car across the country for the three hundred dollars - you’re doing it ’cause you like the way you feel when you drive it. And the funny thing is, you could be that guy, but you’re afraid that if-if you actually have to try at something you might fail, and that’s just not a chance you’re willing to take.
Dan: What can I say? It’s been a real pleasure seeing you.

Dan: Look, J.D., we’re all proud you became a doctor, but just because I haven’t achieved as much as you doesn’t mean I don’t like what I do.
J.D.: Dan, there’s nothing wrong with being a bartender.
Dan: I like living with mom.
J.D.: She makes great eggs!
Dan: All in all, I’m pretty damn happy! I’m happy… you know?
J.D.’s Narration: And now for the apology.
J.D.: That’s a load of crap.

J.D.: Elliot! Come on! What does she expect us to talk about?
Dan: I don’t know… Maybe the fact that you’re so embarrassed by me that you make excuses to your friends about how I live my life.
J.D.: Oh, yeah…
A guy in a gorilla suit exits the hospital
J.D.: We’re…we’re working hard on a cure.

Elliot: Isn’t there… something you guys wanna talk about? You know, like cars or sports… or boobs?
Dan: I’ll talk about boobs. Remember Fred Kiefer’s mom?
J.D.: She wore a tank-top to Fred’s thirteenth birthday party… She taught us how to bob for apples, and three guys passed out.
Elliot: Okay, great story! Now how about something with a little more substance?
Dan: Dude, remember the cans on Pat Clark’s mom?
J.D.: Yeah! Those were awesome!

Turk: Oh, my God… I’m totally going to hell.
Carla: Turk, wait! People get thrown out of funerals every day!

Dr. Kelso: Hey, sport, how you doin’?
J.D.: Oh, good, sir.
Dr. Kelso: I don’t have time to stand here and flirt, son. There have been rumblings that you let your brother play doctor the other day.
J.D.: Dr. Kelso, I-
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Dorian, if I had one shred of evidence that incident actually took place, you would be working with my nephew Francis so fast, it’d make your head spin!
J.D.: Sir, I don’t follow.
Dr. Kelso: He cleans pools! I forgot you didn’t know that!

J.D.: Oh, I get it. Well, let’s see how tough you are without your costume on. Go ahead and-and knock the folders out of my hand now!
Janitor knocks J.D.’s folders to the floor
Janitor: What costume?
J.D.: You weren’t wearing a gorilla suit before?
Janitor: There’s someone running around in a gorilla suit? What’s he look like?
J.D.: A gorilla…
Janitor: No, it’s not me.
J.D.: Well, then, why’d you knock the folder out of my hand?
Janitor: Because you asked me to. Here you go.
He puts his banana peel in J.D.’s breast pocket.
J.D.: I didn’t ask you to do that!
Janitor: Yeah… that comes free with the folder knock.

Carla: Babe, you have got to try one of these - they are to die for!… I’m sorry for your loss.

Lady: This is the problem with doctors today - they don’t care!
Turk: No, no! It’s just that, uh, recently I’ve had a lot of patients, and so it-I’ve gotten-I’ve been really busy!
Lady: Not too busy to come here in the middle of the day and stuff your face with free food!
Turk: Damn you, woman!

Elliot: Hey, you okay?
J.D.: Yeah… why wouldn’t I be?
Elliot: You and your brother? I mean, come on, the tension on the ride back to work was palpable. I wanted to say something. I mean, I was this close to getting back in the car.
J.D.: That wouldn’t have been a wise choice!

Lady: Thank you so much for coming.
Turk: Oh, are you kidding? We’ve been looking forward to this… You know, ever since he… he died.

Dr. Kelso: Do you people have any idea how long I’ve been waiting on you? Next time, if you’re not here in thirty minutes or less, I expect a free dead body!… Or at least some garlic knots.
Turk: Dr. Kelso, I think that’s extremely insensitive.
Dr. Kelso: I don’t think so. Miss Parker, you care to weigh in?… Nope, she’s fine with it. And she knows a thing or two!… Except of course that a yellow light means to slow down.

Elliot: These heated seats are amazing. They make my butt tingle.
Dan: And every time you say that, an angel gets their wings.

Elliot: So, uh, why’d you drive someone else’s car across country?
Dan: It is a great way to make three hundred bucks.
Elliot: What do you do that you could take that kind of time off?
Dan: I tend bar.
J.D.: But not just like any bar - it’s like “The Bar”. It’s like, when all the college kids come home from Thanksgiving, it’s like where everybody goes. I go there when I’m home.
Elliot: So you still live in your home town?
Dan: Yeah, I kinda take care of my mom’s place, so she lets me stay with her.
J.D.: Well, Dan, you don’t stay with her. I mean, come on, it-it-it-he’s not like Greg Brady living in the attic with beads for a door. I mean… he totally has his own space. More like… uh, Kirk Cameron in the last season of ‘Growing Pains’, when he lived above the garage with Boner? Anyone? Am I the only one? Boner?… No?

J.D.’s Narration: So, big deal, we’re having lunch together. It doesn’t have to be awkward.
Dan: So, what’s my little bro like in the sack?
Elliot: What?
J.D.: You do not have to answer that.
Dan: ‘Kay, if he tries hard but there’s room for improvement, take a sip of your drink.
Elliot giggles and takes a sip of her drink.
J.D.: Hey!
Elliot: What? I was thirsty.
J.D.: All right, you know, fine. A-ask me if she could be better!
He guzzles his drink.
J.D.: What? Thirsty!
Elliot: I wasn’t thirsty.

Turk: Dr. Wen, I want you to stay focused, okay? I want Dr. Wen to be Dr. Zen, man!
Dr. Wen: Christopher, after fifteen years and over ten thousand surgeries, I think I can do without the pep-talk.
Turk: Message received, sir… I believe in you.

Janitor: Trick.
J.D.: Excuse me?
Janitor: I just figure you gotta be wondering, “Am I gonna get a trick, or am I gonna get a treat?” You’ll be getting a trick.
J.D.: Whatever.
Janitor: It’ll be fast, and you won’t even know it’s me.
J.D.: You just told me it was gonna be you.
Janitor: You’ll still have your doubts.

Episode: 31 My First Step

Mike: Dude, you’re gonna love this!
J.D.: I don’t wanna do it.
Elliot: Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?
J.D.: We could die!
Elliot: Okay, the second worst?

Turk: If I had to do it again, I would. ‘Cause I love steak.
Carla: I know, Papi. I know.

J.D.: You see that nurse over there? I love her. Every night at 10:30 for the last year, I’ve watched her come in here and get a cup of coffee. And not once have I had the courage to even ask her her name.
Elliot: Well, if it makes you feel any better, she has a snaggletooth.

Elliot: Hey. How’s it going?
J.D.: You have more jokes, don’t you?
Elliot: I jotted a couple of things down!

Dr. Cox: How’s, uh, how’s MeatHead?
Carla: I know I’m not a doctor, but if you could order a strong antiemetic, that would be great.
Dr. Cox: For the record, you know you would ace that nurse practitioners program.
Carla: Really? You think so? Well, what if the classes are too hard? What if the teachers are mean? What if the other kids don’t like me?

Julie: So, here we are. Two people… street lamp… full moon…
Dr. Cox: …Guy pissin’ on the dumpster. Oh! Did I break the mood?

Carla: Excuse me for not having all your male ambition. I can’t believe anyone would look down on me because I’m good at what I do, and because I love doing it!
Turk: I’m sick to my stomach.
Carla: Me too, Turk! Me too!
Turk: No, Baby, I’m serious; I think I’m in trouble here.
Todd: Well, seriously, why wouldn’t you want a better job?
Turk: Hold up. My Baby’s happy with being just a nurse. Did I say “Just a nurse”? I didn’t mean “just a nur-”. Nobody at this table said “just-”. I meant: “A Nurse.” Right, Baby?
Carla: That’s right!
Todd: Why?
Dr. Cox: Oh, just not smart. Even for you.

Elliot: Oh, come on! I-I laughed so hard when I thought of that that I peed a little!… I changed right after.

Carla: You know what? I’m on my second glass of good wine, I’m watching my boyfriend try to eat his body-weight in meat, and I am extremely tickled that the only thing Dr. Cox wants isn’t on the menu. Ha!
Dr. Cox: What?
Carla: Oh, what can I say? I’m finally having a good time.
Dr. Cox: That’ll pass.
Todd: I still think it’s pretty lame that you didn’t like Turk’s nurse practitioner present.
Turk: Dude.
Dr. Cox: Told ya.

Carla: Turk, don’t eat off my plate!
Turk: You’re right, Baby, I’m sorry; that’s rude.
He jams his fork into her steak and pulls it on his plate.
Carla: So, you’re having steak with a side of steak?
Turk: That’s right - turf and turf.

Dr. Kelso: Finally we have, um, Dr. Reid’s necrotizing fasciitis case. Deceased. Oh, don’t be frightened, Sweetheart, no one’s on trial, here - at least not until the family sues your little behind.
Elliot laughs.
Dr. Kelso: Sweetie, I’m not joking. But, should that happen, you may rest assured that the hospital will stand behind you one-hundred percent.
Elliot: Thank you very much, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Now, see, there I was joking. Try to keep up.

Julie: Hello, boys and girl! So, how’s the food?
Todd: Mmm.
Turk: Free!
Julie: And how are you, Dr. Cox?
She leans over, practically spilling her breasts out of her top.
Dr. Cox: Look, I’m just here to enjoy my meal, so unless those things dispense A-1 sauce, I’d keep movin’.

Carla: You realize this doesn’t count, right?
Turk: Yeah, but, baby, free steak!
Dr. Cox: You just flat-out get women, don’t you.

J.D.’s Narration: I had to talk to Elliot before she went in to the Morbidity and Mortality Conference, because nothing puts you in a worse mood than having to explain why your patient died. I just need an opportunity to talk to her when there’s no possible way that she can interrupt me.
J.D.’s Narration: Peanut-butter cracker! Go, go, go!
J.D.: Elliot! Hey! What I said earlier came out completely the wrong way; I just want you to know that I-I-
She spits her mouthful of cracker into her hand.
Elliot: Bite me!
J.D.: She’s a crafty lass.

Elliot: This just sucks… You know?
J.D.’s Narration: This is a crucial moment. Pick your words carefully.
J.D.: I guess I was right after all.
Elliot storms off
J.D.: Stupid!

J.D.: All right, so you promise me you’re gonna be more careful, right?
Mike: Look, dude, the only way to feel alive is to push the limits once in a while. You know?
J.D.: Well… Keep it real!
Mike: Oh, God. See ya, geek!
J.D.: Buy a cup!

Episode: 32 My fruit Cup

Turk: All right, now, who wants a refill?
Elliot: Gu-I can’t afford this place!
J.D.: Elliot, I’m a hundred and thirty thousand dollars in debt. You’re gonna be all right.

Turk: You know, I keep waiting to get sick of pudding but with every cup I love it more.
J.D.: Yeah, me too.

Dr. Cox: I was always gonna wind up with you.
Jordan: So, the whole vulnerable crying thing worked, huh?
Dr. Cox: I never had a chance.
Jordan: You do realize I’m pregnant, don’t you?
Dr. Cox: Yeah. They’re both for me.
Jordan: Cheers.

Julie: So, is your ex-wife like all women are crazy-crazy? Or more like that assistant who tazered David Spade-crazy?
Dr. Cox: Well, you gotta try and understand, she’s going through a rough time right now, and I’m the one she’s used to leaning on. Which, in her current condition, is actually causing me more physical pain than it is emotional.

Carla: So, you finally stood up to your father?
Elliot: Yep.
Carla: And he cut you off - no money, no nothing?
Elliot: Pretty much.
Carla: Jerk.

J.D.: Carla. She said “we” - “We need to scrape some money together.” And it wasn’t just like a “we’re dating” we; it was just like a “we’re gonna spend the rest of our lives together” we. I don’t know, man, that-that just seems big to me, you know?
Turk: Yeah, I know.
J.D.: Can I run the siren?
Turk: Yeah, but be quick.

Carla: Bambi, I’ve got ten messages from my mother. My Aunt Marie won’t stop calling me about my mother. I still gotta run home and put out canned food for my cat, because apparently the dry stuff doesn’t cut it anymore. Plus, Turk and I can’t find five minutes to spend together, because I’m working doubles and he’s moonlighting non-stop so we can scrape together enough money to send my mother to a decent retirement community. So, what, Bambi? What?!
J.D.: We’ll talk later.

Dr. Cox: Look, morning sickness sucks. Believe me, I know, I’ve been there?

Janitor: Hey, idiot. Heh, I said “idiot” and you looked. Hey, help me carry this computer into my van.
J.D.: You can’t just take a computer.
Janitor: Help me, or we go check out the trunk of your car.
J.D.: Stay low.

J.D.: Oh, so now you’re ignoring me?
Turk: Man, because of you, I gotta ride around in the ambulance all night - and you know I get car-sick

Julie: Are you ever coming in, Perry? You can join us if you want, but I doubt you’ll fit on the bed.
Jordan: Okay, have one last fling. But I’ll be back; and, until then, everywhere you look, you’ll see me.
Julie: Everywhere anybody looks, they’ll see you.

Dr. Reid: Good God, someone vomited on my hot dog.
Elliot: It’s chili, Dad! Okay? And you know what? Even though I really appreciate everything that you’ve given me, it’s my life! So stop complaining and enjoy your damn meal!
Elliot takes a bite of her hot dog and quickly grabs a napkin.
Elliot: Oh! Oh, my God! That’s disgusting!

Elliot: Dad? Why are you so set on me being an OB-GYN?
Dr. Reid: Look, Honey, your highest income potential as a female physician is in Obstetrics.
Elliot: But… don’t you think that, maybe it’s time that you left those sort of things up to me?
Dr. Reid: Well, since I paid for your college, your medical school, your car, and now your apartment and all your living expenses, I’d have to say no.

Elliot: So, this is where we all hang out. It’s neat, huh?
Dr. Reid: It’s a… hell hole.

Carla: I thought I was gonna get to see you last night.
Turk: Yeah, I know, but I freakin’ caught a E.M.T. shift, and I was riding around in an ambulance all night.
J.D.: That is so cool! Did they let you run the siren?
Turk: I’m not talking to you… And, yes.

Janitor: Yeah, we got him. And he’s gonna pay.
J.D.: They’re actually arresting someone for stealing pudding and toilet paper?
Janitor: No. They found twenty bottles of Vicodin in his backpack.

Jordan: Anyway, when I first found out, I was panicked; and then I thought, you know, I’ve kind of been drifting through life all these years and I need to look into my heart and see what really matters to me. Anyway, I decided to keep the stupid kid.
Dr. Cox: You should cut out the middleman and just have a therapist deliver him. I mean, honestly, Jordan, why-why are you telling me… this?
Jordan: Oh! Because I’ve also decided that I want you back.

Dr. Cox: Oh, who did that to you?
Jordan: Well, I was at this fabulous hotel in Greece, chock-full of available, wealthy men, scru-
Dr. Cox: So, it was the bellboy.
Jordan: Or busboy or poolboy… something-boy - I don’t know.

Jordan: Oh, no… He called you his girlfriend. If I were you, I’d start gathering your tiny panties up, because… I think you’re done.
Julie: I’m already bored by you. Perry, I will be in the bedroom; come join me when Tubby leaves.

Episode: 33 My Lucky Day

Turk: Baby, maybe it’s something you need to work on, that’s all?
Carla: Sweetie, I promise you, I will never, ever, tell you what to do ever again.
Turk: Yeah, you will. But with me, it’s okay, because I love you. Besides, I barely listen, anyway!

Carla: Jordan was right about me. I’m insecure, and I judge people to cover up for it. I mean, even right now, all I can think about is to tell you that you’re a surgeon now, and if you want to be taken seriously you have to start acting like an adult.
Turk: And you had to say all of that?
Carla: Well, you have a habit of not listening to things unless people spell them out for you! Oh, my God, I can’t stop!

Turk(about Rowdy): You know what? We’re just gonna have to get him fixed. Good news is, he doesn’t need to go to a vet - ’cause we could just pop these things right off!

Elliot: You know what, Mr. Bragen? I figured something out.
Mr. Bragen: That damn nurse broke my bed.
Elliot: That’s just it - you blame everyone else for anything that goes wrong in your life. Like this. The nurse didn’t break your bed, you just press this button… All right, it is broken. The point is, if you hate your job, maybe you need to switch careers; if you can’t get into a relationship, maybe you have problems with commitment, huh? And I know that I’m right, ’cause I’m the exact same way: I blame my parents for not preparing me for the real world, I blame this hospital for taking up all of my time; I’m even blaming you for jeopardizing my future! But, you know what? It’s time for me to grow up and start holding myself accountable. And I’m doing it.
Mr. Bragen: Good for you!
Elliot: You’re, um, still suing me, aren’t you.
Mr. Bragen: Yeah. But I feel like now you’ll be able to handle it!

J.D.: Why do you always have to be like that? You know that I try harder than anyone in this place, and you never give me any credit!
Dr. Cox: Now, you listen to me, Newbie. I’m not doing this because I get my jollies off of being your mentor; and I’m damn sure not doing it so that years from now I can say, “Boy, I knew him when.” I’m doing it because if I don’t, people would die.
J.D.: Thanks for your help.

Turk: I think you should just go in there and apologize to her.
Carla: No! I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true!

Dr. Kelso: Ah! New drapes. They’re awful!
Elliot: Dr. Kelso, why does everything keep happening to me?
Dr. Kelso: Take a breath, Dr. Reid. In, and out; that’s it. That’s it. Now, you went to four year of college, and four years of medical school, so I can safely presume that you are at least eight. My God, little girl, grow up and say “how do” to the world of modern medicine! My God! I’ve been sued four times!
Ted from behind Dr. Kelso holds up ten fingers.

Ted: Now, uh, you haven’t discussed the lawsuit with Mr. Bragen, have you?
Flashback
Elliot: A lawsuit!?
End Flashback
Elliot: It, uh, it sort of came up, yeah.
Ted: Oh, God! Tell me you didn’t antagonize him!
Flashback
Elliot: So, sue me!
End Flashback
Ted: Or admit fault!?
Flashback
Elliot: That is totally my fault!
End Flashback
Ted: Oh, come on! A good lawyer couldn’t win this case!

Ted: Look, I-I don’t get a lot of women in here. What’s your honest opinion of these drapes?
Elliot: W-They’re fine, Ted., But, I’m getting sued!
Ted: You’re right. You’re right, you’re right. Now, by “fine,”-
Elliot: Ted!
Lawyer: Okay, um, just time to calm down, now.
Elliot: I’m fine.
Ted: Actually, I was talking to myself.

Dr. Cox: What in the hell is going on in here?
OB-GYN: The Amnio triggered premature labor.
Dr. Cox: Excuse me, she’s only twenty-four weeks. Jordan, cut it out right now!
Jordan: Is he yelling at me?
OB-GYN: Yes, he is. I’m gonna give you a shot of Terbutaline.
Jordan: And you know what else? He said I had a fat ass before.
Dr. Cox: The nice kind?

J.D.: Can you put a rush on this autopsy? I gotta figure this out… You got some crumbs in his hair.

Dr. Cox: Now, as far as your patient’s concerned, well, Newbie, I’m afraid you forgot one very important thing.
J.D.’s Narration: For whatever reason, I was finally fed up.
J.D.: You know what, I’ve been working my ass off here for the last year and a half, and the last thing I need is another one of your condescending, never-ending speeches where you spoon-feed me some giant lesson and call me a girl’s name.
Dr. Cox: Well, then, have it your way, there, Carol. ‘Cause I’m out.

J.D.: Hey, Dr. Cox! You’ll be happy to know that I did everything for my patient that you did for yours.
Dr. Cox: Oh, my God; I care so little, I almost passed out!

Carla: It’s okay, relax. I told him how I felt, he listened, and nobody got hurt! It’s fine!
Jordan: Yeah, which one of you two’s been messing with my business?

Ted: Dr. Reid, I need to talk to you about your patient, Mr. Bragen.
Elliot: Isn’t it great! He’s cancer-free!
Ted: Yay… He’s suing you for malpractice.

J.D.: Thanks for starting the Solumedrol on my TTP patient. And, Laverne, I’m sorry I’m being such a pain about this guy, it’s just that Dr. Cox and I have this little competition going… and I know that probably seems insensitive to you…
Laverne: Sweetheart, you don’t have to explain yourself to me. But you’d better get your story straight when you come face to face with Jesus.

Elliot: Come on, you’re just a little dehydrated from the chemo. Plus, there are no signs whatsoever of your pancreatic cancer! You should be ecstatic! I mean, nine months ago, I told you you only had eight months to live, remember?
Mr. Bragen: I vaguely recall that.
Elliot: Yeah, of course you do. That is totally my fault! Who knew we could cure cancer! Elliot: Mr. Bragen, it is so great to see you back in the hospital!
Mr. Bragen: Woo-hoo! I’ve got a tube in my penis.

Carla: Listen, um… We just think that getting back with Jordan might be a mistake. You guys just don’t seem to… What am I trying to say, Baby?
Turk: I dunno.
Carla: You just don’t connect the way a couple should. Do you know what I mean?
Dr. Cox: That pretty much the way you feel about it, there, Ghandi?
Turk: I dunno!
Dr. Cox: Interesting.

Turk: Yeah, Baby, just walk right by him. Okay? Just walk right by him. I’m proud of you. I’m… I’m so proud of you!
Carla: Dr. Cox, hi!
Turk: Dammit, I said walk right by him

J.D.: Please. I know all there is to know about thrombotic… thrombo… cyto-cytop-top-top-top…toppee-toppee-
Laverne: Thrombotic thrombocytopenic purpura.

Dr. Cox: I say we let Super Doc, here, take ‘em.
J.D.: Oh, are you too busy eating sour grapes?

J.D.: I think patients are like snowflakes - no two are alike.
Laverne: All right, we’ve got two new admissions: Both male, both mid-forties, both with thrombotic thrombocytopenic purpura.
J.D.’s Narration: I bet that snowflake thing is bogus, too.

Episode: 34 My Monster

Turk: What’d you page me to the roof for?
Carla: Well, I was thinking that you work so hard… And that if I want surprise and romance that maybe it’s my turn to be the one who brings it. So, I brought us a couple of salads…
Turk(unenthusiastically): That’s great.
Carla: …a box of thirty-six hot-wings…
Turk: Now that’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout!
Carla: …and some blue cheese dressing!
Turk: I LOVE THIS WOMAN!

Elliot: Hey.
J.D.: Is this where you’re sleeping tonight?
Elliot: Yeah, so? It’s, uh, it’s cozy… Hospital-adjacent.
J.D.: Elliot! Come on! This is crazy - you’re living out of a van like a hobo… or Jewel.
Elliot: Her poetry changed my life.

Turk: I mean, I consider myself a really romantic guy who’s just a little stressed out. And I thought the one person who’d understand that would be Carla.
Dr. Cox: You know what the weird thing is, is that I’m actually trying this time.
Turk: I just wonder if I’m what she really wants.
Dr. Cox: I just wonder if I’ll ever be able to make it work out with anyone.
J.D.: My peep’s on the fritz.
Turk: Dude!
Dr. Cox: Oh, poor Newbie.
J.D.: No, no! No, no, no, no! No, I’m talking about you guys! ‘Cause y-y-y-you guys are like-you guys are like my peeps, you’re my dawgs, and you on the fritz. So, there-that’s where I get “peeps”/”fritz” came from.
Dr. Cox: God love you, Newbie. Thank you for… giving me some perspective.

Dr. Cox: Okay. I’m going to engage you two in a conversation. And you speak of it to no one, agreed?
J.D.: Okay…?
Dr. Cox: It has gotten to the point where I’m starting to go back in my head over all my old relationships. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’m going to sit here and count up all the women I’ve ever slept with…
Turk: Twelve.
J.D.: Nine.
Dr. Cox: Eighteen. But not one of them ever really understood me.

J.D.’s Narration: You never expect a cliché to be an actual conversation starter.
Turk: Women! Huh?
Dr. Cox: Tell me about it.
J.D.: It’s like they’re from another planet!

Carla: Don’t let him get to you! Just keep saying positive things to yourself.
Elliot: It’s too much! I’m just one person!
Carla: Atta girl!

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid! I have no reading material for my daily post-lunch…well, let’s just call it “reading session.” I need your research proposal. Or a Vanity Fair if you have one.
Elliot: Dr. Kelso, if I could just get… a little more time on that-
Dr. Kelso: Oh, I’m sorry, sweetheart. I’m fresh out of special treatment today. I used it all trying not to stare at that albino doctor down in Radiology.

Jordan: Listen, Perry, shockingly, I’m not really looking to make the permanent move to your little bachelor cave over there at Swingers Towers. What happened is, is you made a kind gesture, and I made the mistake of thinking you could follow actually through with it.
J.D.’s Narration: Luckily for me, I had a friend I could talk to about anything.
J.D.: Hey, Turk. Do you ever have any trouble getting your manhood going?
Turk: Hell, no!
J.D.: Heh, heh. Me neither, dawg!

Lisa: So you think you’re in, huh?
J.D.: Oh, come on, I am so in.
Lisa: Come on, you can’t be sure.
J.D.: No, I feel pretty good about it. You want me.
Lisa: I don’t!
J.D.: Uh, yeah, I’m a doctor; all the symptoms are there - you do.

J.D.: I had a really good time tonight.
Lisa: I gotta tell you, I was a little nervous when you spent the first five minutes talking through a napkin.
J.D.: Oh, that wasn’t me - that was Nappy, The Ice-Breaking Puppet.
Lisa: Oh!
J.D.: That little guy earned his money tonight.

Turk: Oh, hell yeah!… Did I fall asleep?
Carla: Yes.
Turk: Was that before or after I rocked your world?
Carla: He’s a good man, he’s a good man, he’s a good man…
Turk: Baby, you know I get nervous when you start chanting.
Carla: Turk, what happened to all my stuff? The massage? The back, the feet? I let you watch ‘The Jeffersons’!
Turk: Baby, I was… just exhausted from work.
Carla: Well, when you were an intern you were always exhausted from work, but you always made time for romance.
Turk: Oh, that’s ’cause I was still trying to get into your delicates.

Dr. Cox: Look, please don’t think I’m impressed because you managed to score a sympathy date with whatever homely-looking chick is managing the gift shop nowadays.
Lisa: J.D.! You ready to go?
J.D.: Oh, yeah, the word you’re looking for is “Wow.” And the words I’m looking for are “In your face.”
J.D.: I find, with the ladies, if you’re clear with your intentions right off the bat, they just fall in to place. A.Q.?
Dr. Cox: What!?
J.D.: “A.Q.” is sort of a new, hip expression - means “Any questions?”

J.D.: You know, Perry-
Dr. Cox: “Perry”?
J.D.: Yeah, I’m trying it out.

J.D.: All right, Mrs. Carlson, the surgeon that’s gonna come by and do your lymph node dissection is a very handsome young man, so I don’t want you to forget about me, okay? I’m serious, you naughty girl!

Dr Kelso takes Elliot’s flier down
Elliot: But, sir! Only one person took a phone number… so far!
Todd: Someone’s getting a late-night drunken call from The Todd.
J.D.: Lucky girl.
Todd: Yeah!

Turk: Baby. Do you realize how long it’s been since we’ve had an afternoon off, just the two of us?
Carla: Yeah….
Turk: I mean, I’m thinking I should give you a sensual massage… rub your feet a little… and maybe, if you’re interested, sex you up and what-not!
Carla: Come here.
Turk: I’ll get the TV.
Carla: No, you know what? Leave it on. I know how much you like ‘The Jefferson’s’.
Turk: Baby, you’re a gift from God!

Episode: 35 My Sex Buddy

Elliot: I… I can’t do this.
J.D.: Okay, less tongue, less tongue.

J.D.’s Narration: Hopefully, you see yourself in time to make a change.
Carla: Unfortunately, we’re not comfortable discharging you just yet. I’m really, really sorry.
J.D.’s Narration: And hopefully you’ll be respected for it.
Mr. Woodbury: You evil little witch!

Elliot: Dr. Cox. I just wanted to let you know that Turk did the right thing by taking my patients off of my service.
Dr. Cox: Noooo. What that yellow-bellied scalpel jock should have done was to go down to Surgery and schedule himself for an early morning add-a-pair-tomy. That way, if it took, he’d have the stones to at least come and talk to you next time he had a problem.
Elliot: I just can’t seem to stop letting my life out there affect my life in here, you know?
Dr. Cox: Well, hell, Barbie… look at me. It’s not like I’ve always been the centered, well-adjusted guy-smiley you see walking up and down the halls of this dump; I mean, stuff like that takes time. But, eventually, you learn to keep your personal problems separate from this place.
Elliot: So, what do I do until then?
Dr. Cox: You get your damn life in order… Oh, and, Barbie? Let’s say word were to get out that Uncle Cox was doling out the feel goods? I’ll make ya pay - ya have no idea. Huge!

J.D. comes up to Turk, grabs the basketball, and kicks it off the lot.
Turk: Apologize.
J.D.: Apologize to you?
Turk: No. To Richard - that was his basketball.
J.D. turns to see a large staffer with an angry expression
J.D.: Hello, Richard. I’ll tell you what: Tomorrow, at lunch, I’ll-I’ll-I’ll bring you a new basketball… And a hoagie.

Dr. Kelso: Ah, maybe Mr. Woodbury will be fine. Maybe he’ll be back here in a few days even worse for wear because you rushed him out. Who knows? But, darn it all, though, if what I don’t think is the bigger question, is why you even give a hoot?
Carla: Well, actually, sir, I have this little problem with caring for my patients.
Dr. Kelso: Still, if you decide later that what you really care about is how much your patients like you, you can always change your mind about letting Mr. Woodbury leave. Hell, I’ll even back you up.
Dr. Kelso: Well, what’s with the mouthful of Chicklets, sweetheart?
Carla: Oh, no special reason, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Really? I thought it might be because young Dr. Dorian came to see me with his feathers all up and his voice a-crackin’, and told me he was letting Mr. Woodbury go.
Carla: Oh, did he?
Dr. Kelso: Yup. And his knees were knocking so loud, I almost didn’t see you standing above him, pulling the strings.

J.D.: That I.V. looks like it’s infiltrating. Nurse must’ve screwed up.
Elliot: Um. I did that.

J.D.: Well, look at you, Miss No One’s Ever Gonna Want Me To Be Their Doctor Again! I don’t see Mr. Ellis, here, complaining.
Elliot: He’s in a coma.

Turk: Um, what, are you on a break or something?
Elliot: Well, I have nothing else to do, because none of my patients want to see me.
Turk: But that’s a good thing, right? Because, now, you have time to take care of your life!
Elliot: Why are you being so weird?
Dr. Cox: Well, of course, that could be because he’s shaving his dome so much lately that the hair is actually starting to grow inward - it’s an affliction commonly known as the “infro.” But, if I were to guess just exactly why he’s been acting weird lately, I would say it’s because…he’s the one who’s been steering your patients away from you… Discuss.

Turk: Are you watching ‘Sesame Street‘?
Elliot: You know, when I was a kid, I had my first sex dream about Mr. Hooper. Least I think it was a sex dream - he was trying to choke me.
Turk: Yeah, that-that’s sweet.

J.D.’s Narration: This is not the time to talk it out. So you just need to get out of the situation without making her suspicious.
The phone rings.
J.D.: Hello?… Oh, hi, Mom!… Yeah! I miss you, too! I haven’t spoken to you in so long.
Elliot sneaks out of the room.
J.D.: Hi, Mr. Turk… No, Chris isn’t here… No! No, sir, I didn’t say “Mom,” I said…”mon,” like, “Hey, mon, we be jamming’!”… N-no, sir, I don’t think all black people are Jamaican.
Elliot sticks her head in the door
J.D.: I-I love you too, Mommy!

Elliot: I just don’t get it. I mean, why are so many of my patients switching off on me? Are my hands that cold? You didn’t tell anyone that I’m Republican, did you?

J.D.’s Narration: What did you do? All right, don’t panic! Maybe she didn’t enjoy it… Oh, come on, who’re you kidding?

Elliot: J.D., I had such a crappy day. I really need you right now. Come here.
J.D.’s Narration: She needs you? Oh, my God, Turk was right. You have to stop kissing her, and put an end to this before she gets hurt!
Elliot: Is there something wrong?
J.D.’s Narration: Eh, she’s a tough kid - you can tell her later.

J.D.: Elliot? What are you doing?
Elliot: Sitting in the dark… crying. So, you know the usual.

Elliot: How’s Mr., uh… Lawrence doing?
Dr. Cox: I’m afraid that’s no longer any of your business - he’s not your patient as of 2 o’clock this afternoon. He asked for a new doctor.
Elliot: That’s the second patient to switch off of my service today, what is the deal?
Dr. Cox: Maybe they were both so overwhelmed by the high quality of your care that they just couldn’t stand it another second.

Episode: 36 My New Old Friend

Elliot: It wasn’t just stuff! It was all of my yearbooks… And this little pink blanket that my grandmother had crocheted for me and… all of my first love letters… And my shoes!

Turk: I just don’t feel like going back to that hospital, you know?
J.D.: Yeah… Hey, is my breath okay? Because I think Lisa and I actually might try talking tonight.
Turk: Dude, that whole damn building is packed with liars!
J.D.: It is not.
Cut to classroom
Janitor: Well, if the cut was that deep, I’d probably just, uh, pull your arm off.Once again: Doctor… Jan… Itor. Dr. Jan Itor.
Carla: Maybe all that therapy has changed you?
Dr. Cox: Oh, please, I’m crazier than ever. Lookit, during this entire conversation, I’ve actually been imagining myself sitting on a throne between us, watching all of this.
Carla: Maybe we’re just not as close as we used to be.
Dr. Cox: Maybe.
Carla: So, you’re just, like, right here, watching us?
Dr. Cox: No… Other side… m’yeah… I’m… invisible to the naked eye.
Carla: ‘Course.

Dr. Cox: Why didn’t you stop me?
Carla: What?
Dr. Cox: Why did you let me harass that guy?
Carla: So, you think the fact that you got annoyed and became incredibly insensitive with another human being is my fault?
Dr. Cox: Yeah! Lookit, whenever I’m about to do some stupid-ass stuff, you’re the one who calls me on it, and you’re then damn-sure the one who makes me stop.

J.D.: Hey, uh, Elliot… Look, you were right - I… I should have been there for you last night.
Elliot: Thanks.
J.D.: And I’m sorry you lost all your things, that totally sucks. How’re you holding up?
Elliot: You know what? It was just stuff. I’m fine. This is good! It feels like we’ve really turned a corner, you know?
J.D.’s Narration: Throw her down on that gurney and mount her like a lion.
J.D.: I know!

Dr. Cox: Mr. Corman. Great news: Dr. Zeltzer and I have gone over your test results, and your prognosis is excellent.
Mr. Corman: That’s great.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, it is!
Mr. Corman: But you know what? You guys can pat yourself on the back all you want, but I’m not an idiot. I know that you were screwing with me; that I come in here sometimes, thinking I’m sick when I’m not. But if you remember anything, you remember this: If it turns out I didn’t have cancer, I coulda been just some guy coming in here, looking for help… that you treated like crap.
Dr. Cox: Yeah.
Mr. Corman: The whole thing has given me an ulcer.
Carla: You wanna be tested for that, too, don’t you?
Mr. Corman: Do ya mind?

Guy: Look, it was an accident. My… flashlight didn’t have any batteries.
Turk: So, you decided to put your penis in there…?

J.D.: Fantastic!
Elliot: You’re such an ass.
Laverne: Could you speak up? Mr. Roberts doesn’t hear so well.
Elliot: Laverne, if you’re looking for your beeswax, none of that is over here, okay?!
Laverne: Now she all mad.
Elliot: Look, I really just needed your help last night, and you completely bailed on me.
J.D.: You’re the one that drew all these lines up, said that we’re not in a relationship right now.
Elliot: J.D., I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend last night - I was looking for a friend.
Laverne: Guess she told him.

J.D.: What?
Elliot: Nothing!
J.D.: Then what’s with the look?
Elliot: Oh, I have a crick in my neck. See, uh, since I no longer have any furniture for my new place, I had to sleep in my tub last night.

Dr. Zeltzer: That was some catch. The patient shows almost no symptoms, you call for a bone marrow biopsy? What made you even think to do that?
Dr. Cox: How about, he was unbelievably annoying, and I wanted to scare him so bad that he’d never come back in my hospital again?
Carla: Oh! Don’t worry, Dr. Zeltzer, he’s only kidding!
Dr. Zeltzer: Stupid! See, that’s where Leventhal has the edge - he woulda got that; the man is hilarious. Well, of course, he wouldn’t be laughing so hard if he knew I was sleeping with his wife.

Dr. Cox: This is Dr. Zeltzer. He is the finest oncologist we have on staff.
Dr. Zeltzer: Really? You think so?
Dr. Cox: Yeah, I do.
Dr. Zeltzer: Thank you!
Mr. Corman: So, where do we start?
Dr. Zeltzer: Well, uh, first off, we need to- Better than Leventhal?
Mr. Corman: Leventhal’s a quack. You’re the guy. You’re the man. You can do it!
Dr. Zeltzer: Bless you.

Dr. Cox: Mr. Corman, I’m afraid you have Waldenstrom’s Macroglobulinemia. It is a very rare form of… of cancer.
Mr. Corman: Yeah… I think I had that in college once.

Turk: Dude, she was going like thirty-five miles an hour. All you saw was, like, knuckles and a bun… Poor Bessy, man.
J.D.: What kind of grown man still names his car?
Turk: You do.
J.D.: Yeah, well, I’ve had Malik since I was seventeen; that’s totally different.

Carla: Dr. Cox, I think you should take a look at, um, Mr. Corman’s chart.
Dr. Cox: Why, what’s he got, scurvy? Mr. Corman? There’s no chance you were on a ship in the 1700s, is there?

Dr. Cox: Well, Mr. Corman, how’d that go for ya?
Mr. Corman: Horrible pain. I made sounds like a dolphin giving birth.

Dr. Kelso: Now, son, give me the real skinny - did you pull her license or not?
Turk: Yes, sir, I did.
A car, being driven by Mrs. Kay, speeds straight towards them.
Turk: AGH!
Mrs Kay drives straight into Dr. Kelso’s car.
Turk: Okay… I didn’t tell her yet, sir. But I swear I was gonna!

Turk: Dr. Kelso, will you just hear me out? All I’m saying is that Mrs. Kay looks like she’s in great shape!
Dr. Kelso: My God, son, the woman is recovering from major surgery on her…
Turk: Brain!
Dr. Kelso: Dammit. Why do I keep blanking on that?

J.D.: So, anyway, Elliot…
Elliot: Hey, I found an apartment!
J.D.: Great! You know, but there’s no rush for you to move out.
Elliot: Well, what are we gonna do, just live with each other forever, and anytime we feel, like, lonely or vulnerable, we just hop into bed and have hot sex?
J.D.: That would be stupid.

Episode: 37 My Philosophy

Turk: Will you marry me?
Carla: What did you say?
Turk: I think I said, “Will you marry me?”
Carla: Turk, wow!
Turk: I got a ring. Um… I don’t have it on me, but, uh… it’s in a safe place.
Carla: I can’t believe this! I- I’ve imagined you saying this to me like a thousand times… I just never imagined that when you actually asked, all I would say is… I need to think.
Turk: Cool! Uh… Yeah, whew! That’s-that’s-that’s-that’s what I was hoping to hear!

Ted: So, I hear they’re making that office into the ladies’ locker room, huh?
Dr. Kelso: Yes, Ted.
Ted: Bummer

Elaine: It’s fun to annoy him!
J.D.: It’s what I do.

Elaine: I’m not afraid of death. I mean, if I got a heart, that would be great. Still, if they told me it was never gonna happen, I think that’d be okay, too. It’s the waiting I can’t take. I just wanna know one way or the other, you know?
Dr. Cox: I got an idea: Why don’t we switch to a cheerier subject!
J.D.: What do you think death is like?
Elaine: I really hope it’s like a big Broadway musical. Everyone’s all dressed up and singing to the rafters, and you go out with a real flourish. Elliot: Plus, according to county statue, all medical facilities in this region are required to provide single-sex bathrooms and change-rooms for their employees. Put that in your suggestion box and smoke it!
Dr. Kelso: Dammit. Where’d she learn all that legal mumbo-jumbo?

J.D.: Trust me, I wouldn’t want to have to make this decision.
Mr. Larkin: I wish I could ask my wife. She’d be better at handling this than me.
J.D.: You know Quotes

Ted: So, I hear they’re making that office into the ladies’ locker room, huh?
Dr. Kelso: Yes, Ted.
Ted: Bummer!

Elaine: It’s fun to annoy him!
J.D.: It’s what I do.

Elliot: Plus, according to county statue, all medical facilities in this region are required to provide single-sex bathrooms and change-rooms for their employees. Put that in your suggestion box and smoke it!
Dr. Kelso: Dammit. Where’d she learn all that legal mumbo-jumbo?

J.D.: Trust me, I wouldn’t want to have to make this decision.
Mr. Larkin: I wish I could ask my wife. She’d be better at handling this than me.
J.D.: You know, you and I are a lot alike. We may seem like the kind of guy you can just, you know, throw in a head-lock and draw a mustache on… but, in crunch time, we always come through.

Janitor: Thanks for the pen.
Janitor has ink all over his fingers.
J.D.: Oh, no.
Janitor: Yeah.
He holds his uniform up, a large blue stain marks the front of his t-shirt
Janitor: That’s my favorite t-shirt. And this was my favorite skin!

Dr. Kelso: This hospital has always had a co-ed locker room. Ahhh, back when I was a resident, I remember blah-blah-blah, nostalgic story. Now get the hell out of my office!… Not you, Ted… Ted, get the hell out of my office!
Ted: Oh, thank God.

Mr. Larkin: So, you’re telling me if we don’t deliver the baby now, my wife could die. And if we do, our child probably won’t live.
J.D.’s Narration: Sometimes, as a doctor, I wish my life was more like my favorite TV show.
Fantasy
J.D.: Oh, come on, death isn’t that bad. Especially if you’re dying from laughter! You’re on ‘Candid Camera’!

J.D.: That Mrs. Larkin’s an aggressive lady. She wouldn’t even let her husband finish a sentence

Dr. Cox: Oh, shut the hell up, would you please? At least she’s ballsy, unlike that husband who’s the overly thoughtful, sensitive type that drive me crazy.

Turk: All right, Ralphie, new tack: I want you to do what I do, okay? I want you to imagine that there are tiny men inside your booty, trying to push the dookie. Push the dookie out, Ralphie! Can you imagine that for me?

Turk: You’ve had six bran muffins, Ralphie; how is it that you don’t have to go yet?

Dr. Cox: So, here’s the deal Mrs. Larkin: You have a valvular defect in your heart.
Mr. Larkin: Oh, God!
Mrs. Larkin: Relax, Steve. He’s a worrier.
J.D.: Me too. I’m a worrier.

Janitor: Makes me look smarter. Yeah. Off to scrub the crappers.

Elliot: Every woman here hates the fact that they’ve gotta get undressed in a co-ed locker room. Except for Naked Nancy, but, I mean, she’s an exhibitionist and she’s got a whole other set of problems.
Ted: We have a co-ed locker room? Hot damn!
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, if you really feel the need to discuss it, just write it out on a piece of paper and slip it in my suggestion box.
Elliot: Really?
Dr. Kelso: Yeah! Ted! Show it to her.
Ted shows Elliot the trash can
Ted: Sorry.
Elliot: It’s okay.
Ted: So, uh… this locker room… Do you have to be a doctor to change in there, or what?

Turk: Dude, why eat medical supplies when you’ve got pudding and tater-tots? It makes no sense!

Dr. Kelso: You know, Ted, I don’t mean to sound insensitive, but a man’s office is a reflection of who he is; don’t you think?
A drop of water falls from a leak in the ceiling on Ted’s head
Ted: Yeah.

J.D.: I’d say she’s pregnant.
Dr. Cox: Just a terrific catch, there, Newbie. Listen to her heart, will ya? I heard mitral stenosis and I need an extra set of ears, let’s go.
J.D.: It’s kinda flattering that you’d choose me.
Dr. Cox: Ears, Newbie, ears! Not mouth.

J.D.’s Narration: Elaine’s been on top of the heart transplant list so long, she’s in and out of this hospital almost as much as I am.
J.D.: Hey, homeslice, we talked about this - you don’t get into bed until I come here so I can see your bootay.
Elaine: If I finally get a damn heart, I’ll let you eat ice cream off it!
J.D.: You are naughty!

Carla: So, anyway, Laverne, I have to fly out late for the funeral tonight, and I’m gonna need your help covering my shifts.
Laverne: Anything for you, honey.
Carla: Thanks, mama.
J.D.: Hey, Laverne, can I borrow a nickel so I can get a soda?
Laverne: Sorry, this window’s closed!

J.D.: Congratulations! So, when are you gonna ask her?
Turk: Tonight. I’m gonna make her a nice dinner, then I’m gonna put the ring in her champagne glass.
J.D.: You might as well put it in her cham-lame glass.

Turk: Well…?
J.D.: Oh! It’s beautiful! But my parents’ll kill me if I marry a black guy.

Dr. Kelso: Ah, back when I was a resident, I remember blah, blah, blah, nostalgic story now… get the hell out of my office!

Dr. Kelso: What are you doing, Ted!?
Ted: I’m trying to whistle…? You know, so you wouldn’t think it was me.

Ralphie’s Dad: You told my son there were little men inside him?! He barely sleeps as it is!
Turk: Sir, I’m sorry, I was wrong.
Ralphie’s Dad: That was sick!
Turk: But still, if you could do this for me, I would greatly appreciate it: The next time your son has a bowel movement, take the dookie, put it in a ziplock bag, and just call me on my cell phone… It’s for my girlfriend.

Janitor: Can I borrow a pen?
J.D.: Here! Take this one!
Janitor: Thanks.
J.D.: See? We don’t always have to be like, “Bluh-bluh-bluh-bluh.” We could be like, “Hey! How ya doin’! I’m good, thanks!” This can work, you know? We can–can be there for each other.
Janitor: It’s just a pen, Scooter, not a kidney.

Elliot: Dr. Kelso. I am through taking my clothes off in front of men!
Dr. Kelso: I think I can speak for all of us when I say: We’ll live. you and I are a lot alike. We may seem like the kind of guy you can just, you know, throw in a head-lock and draw a mustache on… but, in crunch time, we always come through.

J.D.: That Mrs. Larkin’s an aggressive lady. She wouldn’t even let her husband finish a sentence-
Dr. Cox: Oh, shut the hell up, would you please? At least she’s ballsy, unlike that husband who’s the overly thoughtful, sensitive type that drive me crazy.