Best Quotes
Season: 1 SCRUBS
Episode: 1 My First Day
Dr. Kelso: Ok, gang, I’m Dr. Bob Kelso, and I’m your Chief of Medicine, so I just want to
encourage you all to think of me as your safety net. Because I promise you, we’re all family here, now, then, go get ‘em, doctors.
J.D.: I guess i get a little goofy when I’m nervous. (Growls) You see, today isn’t just any
day. It’s my first day. I’m the man…
Elliot: If you’re talking about getting the Bursky autopsy, I already called the family for
you. And they said fine, and to thank you, and I’m sorry… They didn’t say that last part,
I did.
Carla: That’s enough.
J.D.: Sorry. It’s a very big moment for me.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Dorian, do you not realize that you’re nothing but a large pair of scrubs to
me? For God’s sake, the only reason I carry this chart around is so I can pretend to
remember your damn names!
Dr. Kelso: Okay… Uh, did you ask the Bursky family for permission to do an autopsy?
J.D.: They’re still in there with him, sir.
Dr. Kelso: It’s a teaching hospital, son, you gotta ask.
J.D.’s Narration: Just tell him you can’t see Mr. Bursky again. He’ll understand.
J.D.: Sir, do you-do you think I could skip just this one?
Dr. Kelso: Why, sure, sport.
J.D.’s Narration: See? Every story needs a good guy.
Dr. Kelso: In fact, why don’t you just head on home. You look kinda tired.
J.D.: I am pretty tired!
J.D.: Well, I think it’s okay to be scared.
Turk: Well, I need you to tell me that every once in a while, man.
J.D.’s Narration: He needs me?
Turk: Anyway, I just came to check up on you; see how you’re doing.
J.D.’s Narration: Ask him to move in again.
J.D.: You know, Turk, the offer still stands if you wanna…
Turk: Dude, I already took the keys out your bag.
Dr. Kelso: Hey, Champ! First night on call starts soon, huh? Gosh, you must be excited.
J.D.’s Narration: Agghh!
J.D.: You bet’cha.
Dr. Kelso: Oh! About Mrs. Pratt… I heard you wanted to put her on the hospital’s
transplant list. I just thought I’d recommend keeping her on dialysis a little while longer,
maybe we’ll get lucky!
J.D.: No problem, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Great! Have a ball… on call! Hehe… A little poem for you.
Episode:2 My Mentor
J.D.’s narration: I think the one thing we never stop looking for is acceptance. Acceptance of our own shortcomings. Acceptance that some things are gonna be what they’re gonna be. Still, I hated Will a little ’cause thanks to him I started looking at people who are important to me in terms of what will probably kill them.
(About Turk) Heart disease.
(About Dr. Cox) Liver disease.
(About Elliot) Somebody choking her.
(About himself) I don’t know…probably stress.
J.D.: So, yes. As of now, you have no signs of cancer.
Will: Wow! Who rules? Will rules.
J.D.: Will, it’s important you realise this isn’t great news.
Will: Are you sure? ‘Cause that’s how it first hit me.
Turk: (About Carla) I’m not really interested in her.
Todd: Yeah? Then maybe the Todd’ll show that little biscuit some love.
(Turk starts looking threatingly to Todd)
J.D.’s narration: Maybe he’s a little interested.
Todd: Fine. Todd’ll show himself some love.
Turk: (Referring to Elliot in their apartment.) Hey, dude, why is she here all the time?
J.D.: God! Just give her a chance, man.
Turk: Oh! You want to hit that.
J.D.: No!
Turk: Yeah!
J.D.: She’s just a friend. I think it’s healthy, hanging out with a girl without the ultimate goal being sex. You know?
Turk: I’m not following.
Turk: I’m telling ya, Kelso didn’t even ask, and she gave you full credit.
Carla: I don’t care. Too little, too late. Plus, I know why you’re really here. So, I’m gonna park myself right here in the “V.I.P. section,” so you can give me what’cha got.
Turk: I was gonna tell you how I busted J.D.’s chops the other day for wanting to be friends with a girl. And now I find it so amazing to see how strong you are, how well you carry yourself, how I’d give anything just to wake up in the morning and watch you read the paper. But instead, I think you should hop off your broom for a second, try and remember what it was like when you first started here, and give Elliot a break. Because she may be a chore, but she is a good person. Your ass looks especially fine today.
Carla: Pick me up tomorrow at seven.
Turk: She’s not the only one that can do a speech. I can do a speech.
Episode: 3 My Best Friend’s Mistake
Elliot: Hello, Mr. Kavanaugh. Your arhythmia’s much better. Everything looks just great, actually.
Mr. Kavanaugh: You sound surprised.
Elliot: Oh, okay. It has nothing to do with you. I had a run-in with Dr. Kelso yesterday, so when he switched me to you, I thought it would be a difficult case.
(Mr. Kavanaugh gets completely naked in front of Elliot)
Mr. Kavanaugh: Go on, I’m listening.
Elliot: Excuse me while…while I check on another penis…patient! Well, he’s a…he’s a penis patient.
J.D.’s narration: A lot of my work has become second nature to me. The only problem is, it gives me too much time to think.
Turk: (In J.D.’s imagination) Look, I’m surgery and you’re medicine. This isn’t college any more. Things have to change.
J.D.: I know relationships change, I guess I thought yours and mine never would.
(Patient starts looking confused to J.D.)
J.D.: So, surgery went okay?
Turk: It was cool.
(Todd walks away)
Turk: Dude, I got to close for the first time ever. Ever. The human body is so disgusting.
(The patient he just closed starts giving him a worried look)
Turk: Not yours. Yours is stunning.
J.D.’s narration: In my experience, when two friends miss an opportunity like this, you’ve got exactly 48 hours to get the kiss. Oherwise, one of you will over-think it. Okay, she’s gonna over-think it. Then you end up permanently stuck in the Friend Zone.
(J.D. tries to kiss Elliot)
Elliot: I’ll see ya.
Sleeping Patient: You’re such a girl.
Dr. Wen: Look, I’ve been attending for three years here. What makes you think you know better?
Turk: In my gut I know I’m right.
Dr. Wen: We need this decision now.
Turk: Fine, then it’s on you.
Dr. Wen: Yes, it is. Nurse. Erasure.
Yes, doctor.
(”A Little Respect” by Erasure starts playing)
Patient: I hate this song.
Turk: Me too, man. Me too.
Episode:4 My Old Lady
(Turk is performing a surgical procedure)
Surgical Intern: We are so lost.
Turk: We are not lost.
Surgical Intern: Go left here.
Turk: It’s right.
Surgical Intern: You passed his Cooper’s ligament three times already. Just stop and ask for directions.
Turk: You wanna drive this thing? ‘Cause I will pull, I will pull this thing over and let you drive this thing.
J.D.: “Go to the top of the Eiffel Tower”.
Mrs. Tanner: Done.
J.D.: Fine. “Go to the top of the Meiffel Tower”.
Mrs. Tanner: Oh, now you’re making stuff up.
J.D.: No, I’m not; it’s right here, you can look at it!
J.D.: You didn’t tell them, did you.
Mrs. Tanner: It didn’t come up. Look, they don’t need that burden; besides, they’d just give me a bunch of reasons to change my mind.
J.D.: Speaking of which, I took the liberty of jotting down a few things I think everybody should do at least once in their life.
Mrs. Tanner: Oh, no.
J.D.: Okay. “Number One: Eat a sausage-and-pepper hoagie from Enrico’s”.
Mrs. Tanner: Well, of course I’ve done that.
J.D.: “Number Two: Go to Asia”.
Mrs. Tanner: (Something in Japanese)
J.D.: I’m gonna take that as a yes, and I’ll also check off “Learn a foreign language”.
Elliot: Speaking of Heparin, have you slept with Turk yet?
Carla: What!?
Elliot: I’m sorry, I’m-no, I’m sorry…too personal.
Carla: I like to wait. I like a guy to want it so bad he basically thinks he isn’t gonna get it ever. Then when he’s lost the will to live, that’s when I jump him.
Elliot: So, how long does that usually-
Carla: A month, maybe two. What about you?
Elliot: I like to use sex as an ice-breaker.
Carla: Ah. And how’s that working out for you?
Elliot: I guess I don’t have what you would call high self-esteem.
J.D.: Okay, enough of this. I don’t think any of you realize how serious this is. Right now we need to be worried about your mother, your grandmother…your…I’m sorry, we-we haven’t met, I’m Dr. Dorian.
Episode: 5 My Two Dads
Louie Anderson: Guys, we need an answer. Name one thing guys wanna see more than anything in the whole wide world.
J.D.: Ok, uh, Louie, we’re gonna go with “boobs”.
(Audience claps)
Louie Anderson: Show me “boobs”! (”Boobs” appears on the board) There they are!
J.D.’s narration: Dr. Steadman. Resident and first-class teacher’s pet.
(J.D. daydreams Dr. Steadman wearing a dog collar eating a biscuit given by Dr. Kelso and trying to make out with Kelso’s leg)
Dr. Kelso: Well, sport, it looks like a permanent spot just opened up on the golf course. How does joining the Chief of Medicine for a weekly round sound?
J.D.: Actually, sir, I’m not really that in to golf.
Dr. Kelso: Well, I guess that’s your choice, isn’t it… Dr. Dorian.
J.D.’s Narration: I think I liked it better when he didn’t know my name.
Janitor: That’s four.
J.D.: That’s three!
Janitor: That’s five.
J.D.: I can’t decide if I should help Cox or not. It’s driving me crazy.
Turk: Dude, at least you didn’t give your girlfriend a gift that used to be inside of someone.
J.D.: That’s true.
Dr. Kelso: Hey, sport. Or should I say, howdy, Mr. Pouty.
J.D.: Sorry, sir, it’s been a rough day.
Dr. Kelso: So I hear. Well, anyway, I’m very proud of you, Dr… uhmmmmmm…
J.D.’s Narration: Just look at my badge!
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Turk!
J.D.: Oh, no, this-this is my roommate’s badge, sir; we must have switched this morning.
Dr. Cox: I don’t know if they taught you this in the land of fairies and puppy-dog tails, where you obviously, if not grew up then at least spent most of your summers, but you’re in the real world now. Nnnnn-kay?
Carla: Why would you think that Turk and I slept together? Because I’m a nurse? Because I’m Latina?
J.D.: No, just ’cause you guys have been dating…for a while. Do Latina women put out more? Because that’s not something I’ve-I’ve ever heard… Turk told me.
Turk: No! I didn’t! No, I swear. Look, he-he assumed.
Carla: Uh-huh. And did you correct him?
Turk: Well, you know, I’ve been really busy at the hospital lately…
Episode: 6 My Bad
Dr. Cox: She was never boring.
J.D.: What happened?
Dr. Cox: Eh, you marry somebody just like your mother, and then you remember you hate your mother.
Turk: You know, I went to therapy once.
Elliot: You did?
Turk: Yeah. Once, though, like, back in ‘93 to ‘94; and then three months in ‘95; and then I went to Group which was a disaster.
J.D.: Oh, thanks, that’s-that’s special. Look, I have to ask you a favor, but you have to know this is not why we slept together.
Jordan: Yeah, you had nothing to do with why we slept together.
J.D.: I think we both know that’s not completely true.
Jordan: Oh, please. Even though you’re terrified the Good Dr. Cox’ll find out, if I wanted you to go to his apartment right now and have sex with me in front of him, you would.
J.D.: Please don’t do that.
J.D.: Dr. Cox!
Dr. Cox: Okay, Linus, you’re way too excited; I want you to get your blankie, go in a corner, and take a time-out.
Dr. Cox: Hello, Jordan.
J.D.’s Narration: Oh, no, no.
Jordan: Perry.
J.D.: “Perry”?
Dr. Cox: You never heard that.
J.D.’s Narration: I never heard that, I’m not here, and I don’t have your ex-wife’s bite mark on my neck.
Turk: I know it’s tough leaving your mother at home, but, uh, I’m really glad you’re here.
Carla: You are?
Turk: Yes, I am. And I promise… I’m gonna make it worth your while.
Carla: Oh, baby, we’ve already slept together - you should be careful about the build-up.
Turk: Oh… th-that necessary?
Carla: Yeah.
J.D.: Sorry. He’s a… Wait, wait, wh-why are you dressed?
Jordan: Oh, I’m going to a party. I assume my tests are normal, or else you wouldn’t be chatting me up. But, gosh, Huckleberry, I sure hope we can go down to the river sometime and race frogs!
J.D.’s Narration: That’s it!
J.D.: Listen, you spoiled, bossy, chore of a woman.
Jordan: I’m sorry, what’d you just say?
J.D.’s Narration: You’re in now, go for it.
J.D.: I’m the doctor, here. So put your gown back on, get back in bed, and shut the hell up. Jordan: No one talks to me that way!
J.D.: Well, get used to it…missy… Um… I didn’t mean to be such a hard-ass just now. You can totally wait until I’m gone to put your gown back on.
Jordan: Take off your pants.
J.D.: Yes, ma’am.
Episode: 7 My Super Ego
Dr. Cox: Carla? Wow. You look great.
Carla: You’re not messing with me, right?
Dr. Cox: No. But I’d like toedit)
Dr. Kelso: Well, lookie, here. I thought this was my special place. I’d ask you not to tell any of the others about this spot, but none of them seem to be talking to you.
J.D.: Uh… it’s been a rough day, sir.
Dr. Kelso: You see, Dr. Dorian, your problem is… you’re a pansy. If you were in my way, I’d throw you off this ledge right now. We’re out here alone… No one would ever know.
J.D.: I’m'unna… I’m'unna… I have to… things.
J.D. quickly leaves
Dr. Kelso: Interns are fun.
Dr. Kelso: Good afternoon, doctors. I’ve gathered you all here because, well, attendance at my new conferences has been very disappointing. In fact, I’ve begun to wonder if maybe you have something more important to do. Maybe you feel the need to sneak off and have a little nappy-nap. I love nappy-naps. Or… maybe you’ve forgotten that my conferences are mandatory!
J.D.’s Narration: I think everyone’s finally coming around to my way of thinking about Nick.
Carla: You’re right, he definitely has a cute little butt.
Elliot: Oh, it’s almost like it’s been sculpted.
J.D.: Who cares? Everybody’s got a cute butt; I have a cute butt.
Carla: You should bring it in someday.
Turk: You know, even though nothing happened today, it’s still kinda freakin’ me out.
Todd: Mm-hmm.
Turk: I mean, one flinch, one hiccup, and that’s the difference between life and death?
Todd: Mm.
Turk: It’s a lot to have on your shoulders, you know?
Todd: Mm.
Carla: Hey. What’re you guys talking about?
Todd: Cheese.
Carla: Turk is so lucky I met him first.
Dr. Wen: I don’t know where that smell came from!
Todd: Uh… sir?
Dr. Wen: What is it, do you see something?
Todd: Sir, I farted. That smell is from the fart that I made.
Turk: Duuude.
Dr. Wen: Get the hell out of my OR!
Todd: Yes, sir… Good.
Dr. Kelso: Ahh, if it isn’t the brain trust. Someone tell me what this patient’s rash is. You have until I finish my squeezy-juice.
J.D.’s Narration: Oh, my God, I’m drawing a… Oh, my God, I can’t even remember what you draw when your mind draws a… something!
J.D.: How about Nick?
Elliot: Oh… I’d let him drool on me. Oh, that’s gross, why did I say that? I-I shouldn’t talk to people. Besides, I wouldn’t know what to do even if I was interested.
J.D.: Well, you could start by looking at him.
Elliot looks at Nick for a split second then looks back
Elliot: Did he look back, did he like me? Why doesn’t he like me? I can’t believe I already blew it!
Nick: Of course you’re gonna have a scar, Peter. I mean… you’re not getting any surgery, but chicks dig scars, so I think I’m gonna give you one anyway.
J.D.: It’s the scrubs, because in jeans, my butt is a force to be reckoned with!
Elliot: I’m single! Sorry, that was a lot more subtle in my head.
Dr. Cox: Oh, look Carla back when I was an intern I remember the pressure being so insane that the only way I could get by was to race home and even though my wife was already asleep I’d gently wake her look her in the eyes and then I’d passive-aggressively torture her until she packed a bag and went to her mom’s place for a week.
Carla: Oh.
Dr. Cox: Does that help?
Carla: Like a big hug with words.
Dr. Cox: Nobody hurts Carla and gets away with it.
Doug: Who’s Carla?
Dr. Cox: I was talking to myself. Don’t eavesdrop… (quietly) If this kid doesn’t leave I’m gonna kill him.
Doug stands up
Dr. Cox:Now if you leave I’ll know you were eavesdropping and I’ll just go ahead and kill ya anyway. Stay, good girl.
Dr. Wen: So listen, I scheduled an appendectomy for you later just make sure you’re good on potassium.
Turk: Sir I got so much potassium it’s coming out of my assium. You know what I mean? See what I did was take the word potassium and… I dropped the first three letters… made a doody joke
Dr. Wen: Funny stuff.
Todd: Dr. Wen threatened to sew my butt cheeks together.
Turk: And yet you continue to eat chili.
Todd: Dude I’m takin’ the cheese off.
J.D.’s Narration: Time to put myself right back on top of Nick! That came out wrong.
Episode: 8 My Fifteen Minutes
Carla: Elliot, there’s no excuse for what I did.
Elliot: No, there’s not… Are we done?
Carla: I’m really sorry.
Elliot: Don’t be. If I was going out with my friend, I wouldn’t invite you… Who am I kidding. Yes, I would, and she’d probably like you better and neither one of you would ever talk to me again.
Turk: You know, you’re gonna have to see her eventually.
Carla: No I don’t, ’cause I know the layout to the air-duct system here like the back of my hand.
Turk: Remember our college brochures?
J.D.: So what, they put you on the cover.
Turk: Twice?
Turk: What makes you think I’d wanna be part of this, J.D.?
J.D.: I don’t know! Kelso said it would make us role models. I guess I just assumed that-
Turk: Yeah, everybody assumes that I’m a good athlete, or-or-or that I grew up poor, or that I love ‘Sanford and Son’.
J.D.: But you do love ‘Sanford and Son’… We both do.
Janitor: When I saw that it was missing, did you not think I’d come to you?
J.D.: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Janitor: Oh. So you’re gonna play it that way, huh? Touche.
Reporter: Okay, we’re rolling. So, how is my cameraman doing?
J.D.: Well, good enough that he asked me for mouth-to-mouth again!
J.D.: She is ta-haasty. Watch me work a little cat-and-mouse game with her.
Turk: She’s married to the sound-man, bud. And that little thing that’s clipped to your collar, that’s a microphone.
J.D.: Dr. Cox? Have you been here the whole time?
Dr. Cox: No; I just came in through the couch door. Move.
J.D.: But I thought you said you were too busy to do my evaluation?
Dr. Cox: I am… Didn’t her daddy sell the coal mine?
Laverne: Contract didn’t stick.
Dr. Cox: Ohhh. That’s interesting.
J.D.’s Narration: I can’t evaluate myself.
J.D.: Would you describe me as ‘warm’, ‘professional’, or both?
Laverne: I describe you as: I’m on my lunch.
Elliot: So, what are we doing tonight?
Carla: Oh… go out to dinner, I guess.
Elliot: Ooh, dinner! Where’re we gonna eat?
Carla: Oh, I don’t know, some restaurant.
Elliot: Mmm! Some restaurant! Be honest, um, does this look, uh, “hip” enough?
Carla: Since when are khakis, a pink shirt, and a neckerchief not hip?
Elliot: True.
Episode: 9 My Day Off
J.D.’s Narration: Ah uncomfortable silences and alcohol… just like Thanksgiving at home.
J.D.: No seriously man, I want you to know if I ever need surgery again, I want you inside of me.
Turk: I wanna be the one inside you.
Mr Davis: If it’ll make you feel better, I hate this whole touchy feely culture anyway.
Elliot: Thank you!
Mr Davis: And that whole kiss hello thing.
Elliot: Ugh!
Mr Davis: Ew.
Elliot: Yeah, I don’t want anyone touching me unless we’re gonna have sex and even then I don’t want them to overdo it.
Dr. Kelso: See Dave at Sacred Heart we don’t treat symptoms, we treat people.
Dr. Benson: Hey, there’s something on your back.
Dr. Kelso: What does this one say?
Dr. Benson: “Never stop kicking me” and on the other side is my discharge form. Uh, Bob you tried to discharge me an hour before I almost died?
Dr. Kelso: Well- How very clever.
Dr. Cox: What? It wasn’t me. In fact, I think you put it there yourself to get more attention.
Dr. Benson: I’ll be out of your hair soon enough.
Dr. Kelso: Just a sec, Skipper, you’ll stay here until you decide you’re ready to leave. For God’s sake, you were the chief of medicine here for over ten years. Am I right?
Dr. Cox: That was just exactly what I said this morning.
Dr. Kelso: Yeah it sounded familiar.
Dr. Cox: Kelso’s not just some harmless guy pushing my buttons Carla. He’s a pod person. Elliot: Great. Carla, everyone likes you so much it makes me wonder-
Carla: Why all your patients think you’re a cold fish?
Elliot: Oh my God you noticed?
Carla: No, honey, they told me.
Elliot: Great, anyone needs me I’ll be in the supply closet eating sugar packets.
Dr. Cox: You know, you’re not supposed to scare me like that sir?
Dr. Benson: Oh, it was just a prank. Admittedly I took it too far.
Patient: Dude what are you doing?
Mr Davis: Too frank right? I know, that’s probably why my mom pushed me down the stairs. She is fat though… and boring.
Elliot: Hey we’ve gotten to know each other over the last week, haven’t we?
Mr Davis: I’d say so.
Elliot: And as a doctor you found me comforting?
Mr Davis: God no.
Elliot: Come on, I’m pretty good with people.
Mr Davis: You’re horrible with people.
Elliot: I’m warm.
Mr Davis: You’re very cold, I mean your hands it’s like you’re a yeti.
Elliot: I have bad circulation. I- I do this all day and it doesn’t help.
Mr Davis: Listen sweety, you’re a very efficient competent doctor but your exams - do you examine everyone like that or just people you feel have wronged you in some way?
Elliot: Well, I appreciate your opinion-
Mr Davis: Oh no, it’s not an opinion. You see those guys right there they’re just pretending to be asleep so you won’t manhandle them anymore.
Dr. Kelso: Which most likely indicates what Dr. Reid?
Elliot: I’d say he has a simple case of appendicitis.
Dr. Kelso: And how would you proceed Dr. Dorian?
J.D.: Well, for starters, I would’ve given me that news in private no matter how angry I was at me.
Dr. Kelso: Sounds like there’s some fascinating back story here, turf him to surgery. Moving on.
Dr. Kelso: So I’ve been looking at Dr. Benson’s chart. His chest X Ray was normal, his vitals are stable. So let’s discharge him.
Dr. Cox: Well now hold the phone there Skipper. Now, Dr. Benson should be able to stay here until he feels he’s ready to go. I mean give me a break, he was only the chief of medicine for ten years!
Dr. Kelso: Well, I haven’t had my coffee yet so I’m finding it hard coming up with a more colorful way to say who gives a crap? Actually that wasn’t half bad.
Elliot: I heard you’re telling everyone I violated you.
J.D.: Not everyone, just the people that work here. Oh, and my parents.
Elliot: Was there something wrong with my exam?
J.D.’s Narration: So there it is, the classic trap. Two choices, either wuss out or tell the truth.
J.D.: Well, you’re kinda rough, yeah you’re rough. And you’re a little business like. Oh, and you’re cold.
Elliot: Mm hm, you mean my hands?
J.D.: Yeah, those too. I just think you know you could be more comforting.
J.D.’s Narration: I could tell she appreciated how hard it was for me to say that.
Elliot: Do you know how annoying you are when you talk?
J.D.’s Narration: Maybe not.
J.D.: He seemed nice.
Dr. Cox: Careful newbie.
J.D.: You know I’m hearing it now, it is kind of annoying when I talk.
Elliot: Shortness of breath, dizziness, problems urinating?
J.D.: No, no, is it a problem if it whistles?
Elliot: Oh, you’re making this so much easier! Are you sexually active?
J.D.: Oh it’s active.
Elliot: I’ll write, rare dry spell in the margin.
Dr. Benson: Still have that great rapport with the nurses huh?
Dr. Cox: Actually Carla totally gets me. That’s why I’ve been systematically trying to driver her away.
Dr. Benson: You ever see that therapist I recommended?
Dr. Cox: Not yet, no.
Carla: So did you talk to any girls last night?
Turk: Baby, I’m an attractive man, we both know this. It’s just a burden you’ll have to live with.
Carla: One of many.
J.D.: Don’t worry about it man! I feel good tonight, you know what I’m saying? Except for this stabbing pain in my side.
J.D.’s Narration: Hey wait a second he’s dating Carla. This is not good.
Turk: First of all, I already told her I got a girlfriend. Second, you just put your bare lips on my ear!
Turk: So he was up all night with a high fever, cramping and crying.
J.D.: Dude!
Turk: Oh, my bad. Not crying. Punching the wall all manly and angry like.
Turk: I just want you to know how serious I am about what I do.
J.D. Did you stitch your initials in to me?!
Turk: That’s not important.
Dr. Cox: Dr. Benson was kind of my mentor, so don’t do that annoying thing.
J.D.: What annoying thing?
Dr. Cox: You know when you talk.
J.D.: Come on that’s a little-
Dr. Cox: See there it is. How does that not drive you crazy?
J.D.: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You’re examining me? I don’t want you to see my unmentionables.
Elliot: I’ve seen underwear before.
J.D.: Actually I use the word unmentionables for my genitals as well.
J.D.’s narration: I know two things about bars, one they’re always packed the week of Thanksgiving and two put a beer in my hand and I’m Mr. Smooth.
Jennifer: I was laughing so hard milk was coming out of my nose.
J.D.: Well, I once tripped over an I.V. and blood shot over everyone! Er uh a little got on my nose. Every damn day saving those children!
Turk: Who wants Margaritas? Dude, less blood more fruity drinks.
Turk: To me, you’ll always be that geeky kid with the Pat Benatar t-shirt on.
J.D.: Dude, she rocks.
J.D.: You’re wrong.
Turk: You’re so wrong.
Dr. Cox: (Singing as the clock chimes) Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong…wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong…you’re wrong…you’re wrong…you’re wrong…
Turk: Dude! I’m about to bust a mad slizz-ice in your insides!
Turk: You’re like school in July.
J.D.: What do you mean, like school in July?
Turk: No class.
J.D.: You want some salsa for that chip on your shoulder?
Carla: You better watch it Bambi. You don’t want a hundred pound white girl mad at you. You’ll flinch everytime you hear a Range Rover.
J.D.: I can’t believe I have to spend all of Thanksgiving here. Tell me that wouldn’t kill you.
Carla: Not really.
J.D.: Do they celebrate Thanksgiving in your homeland?
Carla: You mean Chicago?
J.D.: You have a Chicago?
Dr. Cox: Huh. I was just wondering how you comb your hair so the horns don’t show.
Dr. Kelso: I wonder what bothers you the most, is it that I saved his life, that he likes me as a person, I bet its how he respects me as a doctor. How does that taste? Bitter, hard to get down?
Janitor: You know people die here.
J.D. You’re a good friend.
Janitor: Eh, I do what I can. Can I have your stuff?
Dr. Kelso: Doctor Cox, did you get my memo reminding all senior staff that lab coats must be worn at all times?
Dr. Cox: You know I did get it there Bob and at first I just threw it away, but then I decided that wasn’t a grand enough gesture, so I made a replica of you out of straw and I put my lab coat on it with your memo in the pocket, and then I invited all the kids in the neighborhood to come over to light it on fire and whack it with sticks.
Episode: 11 My Own Personal Jesus
Turk: Merry Christmas, guys.
J.D.: God bless us, everyone.
Turk: Dude, you could not be a bigger dork.
Elliot: You’re so lame.
Carla: That was so cheesy.
J.D.: Really? ‘Cause I felt like it was-it was right?
Dr. Cox: Newbie!! Don’t answer that question! It’s a trick, that’s a trick!
Dr. Cox: Oh, I’ve seen ‘em. They’re real. And they’re gross!
Turk: I don’t get it. Why are we on the roof?
Carla: I just wanted to show you that, no matter how ugly things can get down there, there’s still a lot of beauty up here.
Turk: Is that gum…or pigeon crap on my shoe?
Carla: Come on, look around! There’s nobody here…no one can see us…we could do whatever we wanted…
Turk: Like what?
Carla: Okay, how are you not getting this?
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid? Isn’t this your day off?
Elliot: Actually, it’s that pregnant girl I was telling you about.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, right! The one who went missing. And now you’re here, voluntarily, hell-bent on finding one of your little lost ducklings.
Elliot: Dr. Kelso, I think it’s important you understand something: I’m not interested in babies - I don’t coo when I’m around them, I don’t melt when I see them, I don’t have some yearning to make them my life’s work - I’m a doctor who’s interested in my patients - male or female - and right now one of them needs help.
Dr. Kelso: God! Do I know women.
Jackie: That’s funny - he was completely bald when he was in here a few minutes ago.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, well…
J.D.: We shaved the baby.
J.D.: Shaved it…
Dr. Cox: Well, it’s standard procedure, what with the recent outbreak of prenatal lice.
J.D.: Yep, definitely. Shave and a haircut… two bits.
J.D.: I can’t believe I’m wearing a suit at 6:30 in the morning.
Carla: If you ruin this for Turk, I’ll have to hurt you.
J.D.: Noted.
J.D.: Oh, look at the baby!
Obstetrician: It’s a bouncing baby boy! Yet another soldier in the fight against communism!
J.D.: What do you hate most about the holidays?
Carla: Wrapping presents. You?
J.D.: My family.
Dr. Cox: I’m assuming, since you already went ahead and took everything else, that you’re here for my self respect - but there’s bad news on that one, sweet-cheeks: I already gave it to your mom when she begged me to marry ya!
Dr. Cox: Holy cow. Who’s better? I-you got me by the short hairs.
Dr. Cox: What is it with friends and the whole wanting to be in your life thing.
J.D.: It’s selfish, is what it is.
Turk: See, when they saw the star, they rejoiced with exceeding great joy. Matthew…2:10.
J.D.: Dude, that’s just the big Christmas tree in
Turk: It was a miracle! First of all, the man was damn-near dead; then he comes out!
J.D.: Oh, you’re ridiculous.
Turk: He was damn-near- J.D., I’m telling you, it was a miracle!
J.D.: It was not a miracle!
Turk: Yes it was a miracle! Dude!
J.D.’s Narration: I kind of envy Turk - to be that sure of something, to have that faith - of course, that doesn’t mean I don’t love busting him about it.
J.D.: I assume you want something.
Dr. Cox: Easy; nobody likes a cranky punching bag. And yes, it’s about a patient - pretty good friend of mine, actually.
J.D.’s Narration: Wow. I guess that means he respects me a little.
Dr. Cox: Hey, Randy, Jackie, whatta ya say? This is the monkey I got to videotape the birth.
J.D.’s Narration: I hate him.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, stay! Ohh, what a good boy you are… Dear God, Judy, how much product do ya use?
J.D.: None! It’s like this when I wake up.
Dr. Cox: Yeah. Quick tip, there, sports-star - when you’re defensive about your feminine side, it just makes you seem more girly.
Elliot: Dr. Kelso, I need to present a patient: Nineteen year old complaining of abdominal pain - turns out she’s at least eight months pregnant. I’m just gonna let one of the Family Practice people handle it.
Dr. Kelso: Well, that sounds like a wonderful idea, sweetheart; except I heard your smart-aleck remark a second ago, so why don’t you just keep your little pregnant girl. It’ll be good practice for you, since you’ll probably end up in a female specialty, anyway.
Elliot: What do you mean by that? I’m Internal Medicine.
Dr. Kelso: Well, of course you are. But numbers don’t lie, and most women end up in ON-GYN, Family Practice, or Pediatrics. It’s like a rip-tide, sweetheart - pulling and pulling, and you can swim against the current all you want; but when Mr. Stork comes a-calling, you’re not gonna be thinking, “I’m Internal Medicine” - nope. It’s gonna be, “Ohhhh, look at the baby!”
Elliot: Sir, I have to say, I’m offended!
Dr. Kelso. Oh, no. Now I have to go buy flowers to make it right.
Elliot: I understand that you took a cab all the way down here - that doesn’t mean that I can give you Vicodin because your teeth are itchy.
Laverne: Are you aware that you are in everyone’s way?
J.D.: Everyone’s way? Or your way? Think about it.
Dr. Cox: So baby Charlie is the bald one?
Dr. Cox: (Laughing) You’re a sexy bitch.
J.D.’s narration: And then something amazing happened - they connected. And all the hatred they had for each other was suddenly focused on me!
J.D.’s narration: Oh, God, his ex-wife. The tension actually hurts. You have to break it; say something, anything!
J.D.: Banana hammock!
Dr. Cox: I’m betting your ability to thrive under pressure is what drove you to medicine. .D.: That’s fine; we all have our beliefs. I, for instance, carry around this tiny little Monopoly piece for good luck.
Turk: Did you just compare my Lord and Savior to a tiny top-hat?
Carla: He did. I heard him, Baby. Go get him.
J.D.: Oh, excuse me, Nurse Theresa, have you ever read the Bible?
Carla: I started it…but then I skipped to the end and it ruined it for me.
Dr. Kelso: You know, I don’t want to sound insensitive, but why don’t these people have any money?
Elliot: Uh…I don’t know, sir. They probably waste it all on…food.
Episode: 12 My Blind Date
J.D.’s narration: You see, the ICU is where the most critical cases get turfed. So many
patients die here, you start to think of death as another co-worker, looking over your
shoulder with the same annoying demands as everyone else you work with.
(In J.D.’s imagination)
Death: (In a scary voice) Dr. Dorian. (In a gentle voice) Listen, I know you’re busy, but my daughter’s selling cookies.
J.D.: Put me down for two boxes of those mint thingies.
Death: She’s in second place in her troop. Of course, if that girl who’s in first keeps
doing as well as she’s doing, we’re just gonna take her. (Starts laughing)
J.D.: Wait! Stop the machine!
Alex: What the hell are you doing!?
J.D.: Will you go out with me?
Alex: If I say no, will you still let me out of this thing?
J.D.: It’s iffy.
Turk: I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and, you know…we’re past that whole new, exciting relationship phase, and…all that’s left is us. Baby, I gotta tell you: You drive me crazy.
All right? You take my french fries; you-you boss me around in front of my friends-
Carla: You said strong women turn you on!
Turk: Hey, Carla. Carla… Wait! Where’re you going?
Carla: I’m gonna go crash at my place tonight, like you said!
Turk: You wanna know what’s wrong? That’s what’s wrong: (mimicks her) “I’m gonna go stay at my place like you said.”
Carla: God, you’re so sexy right now.
Elliot: I just don’t know what to do about Dr. Cox!
J.D.: What the hell is going on, here?
Elliot: It’s like, I say one thing, he says the other. I seriously can’t take it anymore.
J.D.: Fine, why don’t you just quit, become a lesbian, and hook up with some hot model?
Elliot: What does that have to do with anything?
J.D.: I don’t know…I just thought it’d be hot.
Ted: Miss Hanson, he’s gone.
Alex: Oh.
Ted: You know, if I were in your slippers, I’d sue this hospital for all it’s worth.
Alex: Really?
Ted: We could run away together.
Ted: You know, I’m noticing that the bottoms of your slippers are rather slick - perhaps
they contributed in some way to the incident this morning.
Dr. Kelso: Those are hospital booties, you moron!
Ted: And now I’m a moron.
Carla: You know what, that’s exactly what’s wrong with you men. You’re all so superficial, so afraid of what you really feel. I’m so sick of it!
J.D.: So, do you know what she looks like?
Carla: Yeah, I do. But I ain’t telling you.
J.D.: Ohh… Come on, just tell me, does she look anything like Jimmie Walker?
Elliot: His H & H dropped three grams, so I’m starting pressers.
Dr. Cox: Or, you could transfuse him.
Elliot: Okay, I’ll do that.
Dr. Cox: Although, transfusions are riskier.
Elliot: Which is why my first instinct was to do pressers.
Dr. Cox: You know what they say about your first instincts.
Elliot: Yeah: You should always stick with them. Shouldn’t you?
Dr. Cox: Should you?
Elliot: Should I?
Dr. Cox: “Should I?” You’ll have plenty of time to think about it on the bench, because
that’s where you’re headed.
Carla: I know something’s wrong.
Turk: Nothing’s wrong.
Carla: You always say nothing’s wrong, then you sulk for a week and then you finally tell
me.
Turk: First of all, we haven’t known each other long enough for me to “always” be doing
anything.
Mr. Davis: Well, I’ve only known you for ten minutes, and you’re always hurting me.
Mr. Davis: Hurry back. God! That guy is the worst!
Carla: Oh, be nice. He’s my boyfriend.
Mr. Davis: Not for long.
Carla: Excuse me?
Mr. Davis: Please! He’s been dying to run out of here since the second he came in.
Carla: Oh, he did not run out of here.
Mr. Davis: Oh, okay, I’m sorry, you’re right - it wasn’t running, it was, uh, fleeing, like
he was being chased by a swarm of killer bees.
Elliot: You make me so mad, I might actually scream! Every day you bitch and you bitch about how hard Dr. Cox is on you, and you don’t even realize that you’re his go-to guy.
J.D.: Oh, come on, you’re over-reacting a little bit.
Elliot: What has he had you do today? Hm?
J.D.: Ummm… He had me intubate and extubate Mrs. Pollard; float a Swan on Mr. Caulca; and then do two thoracenteses, a paracentesis, a radial art. line…oh, and then place a transvenous pacemaker for a complete heart-block. Why? What did you do?
Elliot: Oh, uh… Cream. No sugar.
J.D.: He takes it sugar, no cream.
(Elliot screams)
J.D.: Dr. Cox must have my pager on speed dial. He’s completely on top of me today.
Elliot: Oh, do you know how much I wish Dr. Cox was on top of me?
J.D.: That’s naughty!
Episode: 13 My Balancing Act
Dr. Kelso: You paged me?
Dr. Cox: I didn’t page you.
J.D.’s narration: And that’s when Dr. Cox started poking the old bear with a stick.
Dr. Cox: You know what, I’m sick of the old grill-’em-and-drill-’em. What do you say we shake things up a littler bit, here? You kids ask me the questions, and I’ll just give you the answers; whatta you say?
Dr. Kelso: Uh, Dr. Cox, could I talk to you?
Dr. Cox: Well, sure you can, Bob, but you’re gonna have to go ahead and raise your hand like all the other children.
Dr. Kelso: I-I just think it’s inappropriate-
Dr. Cox: Bobbo, now, you’ve got five good ones right there. Whatta you say you put ‘em up in the air like you just don’t care.
Turk: Baby, there’s nothing that could scare me away.
Carla: Ever since we said “I love you” to each other, I’ve been feeling all this pressure, and wondering about the future - our future. Like, are we gonna get married? Are we gonna have kids? If so, how many, and when will I get my figure back? Should I keep working? Where’re we gonna live? Is my mother gonna live with us? How big a house do we need? How many bathrooms? What if my mother walks in on you while you’re in the bathroom, you slip and fall, and I can’t afford the funeral costs?
Turk: Okay, that’s a little scary.
Carla: We have to talk.
Turk: No time for talk - we have a specific problem, and we need to take care of it.
Carla: Why are you wearing one of those nose breathing thingies?
Turk: Baby, bear with me - I got big ideas.
Carla: So… you’ve really never had…?
Elliot: Nope.
Carla: Not even by yourself?
Elliot: Gross! Uhh… Is it easy?
Carla: When’s your next laundry night?
Elliot: Listen, Carla, I can’t even pretend that I can give you tips on intercourse…
Carla: I got one for you - stop calling it that.
Elliot: My therapist thinks my trouble in bed stems from a basic fear of intimacy. But I just think it’s just because any type of repetitive motion makes me nauseous. Oh, and since I was a little kid, I’ve always had nightmares about being crushed.
Carla: That poor shrink.
J.D.: Alex dumped me.
Dr. Cox: Aw, you mean the blind girl you’ve been dating?
J.D.: She’s not blind.
Dr. Cox: Of course she’s not.
J.D.: Hey, uh, Alex, I am so sorry; but I went to the restaurant, I guess I just missed you. And then I-I called your house, but there was no answer. And then I actually stopped by your house, and I guess you didn’t see me - which was sort of odd, ’cause I was standing next to the pizza guy while you were paying him…
Elliot: I, um…I’ve never even had an orgasm.
Carla: Mm… Oh! I’m sorry - I should be more surprised.
Elliot: Yeah, that-that’d be nice.
Turk: She’s not having an orgasm.
Todd: Still not seeing what the problem is.
J.D.: Dr. Cox. I got the sed-rate back on Mr. Yeager. Say how-do to that.
Dr. Cox: All righty. But then I’m due back at the hootenanny.
Episode: 14 My Drug Buddy
J.D.: All right, I should’ve done this a long time ago; so, here goes: I’m sorry. I shouldn’t accuse you of being jealous, you were just looking out for me, and…you were right about Alex.
Elliot: You never did sleep with her, did you?
J.D.: No… But, why does that matter?
Elliot: Because I was jealous.
J.D.: You remember, like, when the new ‘Star Wars’ movie came out, and it was all built up, and then people went to see it and it really wasn’t that great in bed?
Alex: Relax! The first one’s a freebie, so you can get your form back.
Carla: I wanted to thank you…for what you did. You know, when you yelled at me in front of the other nurses. I appreciate it.
Dr. Kelso: Young lady, I yelled at you because that paperwork looked like it had been done by a drunk four-year-old. Listen, Carla, I have a family who loves me, a handful of close friends, and a wonderful hobby shop in my basement; I don’t spend much time worrying about people’s feelings around here - I just do whatever makes me happy.
Turk: So, you went behind my back and got an intern to agree with you so the guy doesn’t get surgery.
Dr. Cox: Oh, no, you caught me.
Turk: Cox, a bypass is the right call.
Dr. Cox: Considering the inherent risks in surgery, I didn’t-
Turk: The guy’s a diabetic, with two-vessel disease!
Dr. Cox: And antianginals can be equally effective.
Turk: So we agree that either treatment could work?
Dr. Cox: Yeah, sure.
Turk: Then what the hell are we arguing about?
Turk: Someone call for a surgical consult?
Dr. Cox: You’re Dr. Turk?
Turk: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Cox: Of course you are. Note to self: You’ve got to start writing down the names of people that truly annoy you!
Carla: You see, I think that you should tell your neighbor that you will hang your hammock wherever you damn well please, and if she doesn’t like it she can just move!
Dr. Kelso: That’s what I like about you, Carla! You don’t give a rat’s ass what anybody thinks!
Laverne: Well, I don’t think we should stand for it. Dr. Kelso can’t just decide we’re not allowed to switch shifts anymore. I’m supposed to go see my nephew tonight in ‘Pippin.’
Nurse: Who’s he playing?
Laverne: Pippin. Bob Kelso is a bad man.
Carla: I don’t know; I mean, we never think about how hard it is to always be the bad guy, you know?
Laverne: I want him to die!
Alex: Why would you assume Mr. Barnes stole the Percocet? There’s lots of people on that ward.
J.D.: That’s a good point.
Elliot: Yeah, and three of them are in comas, two others can’t walk and one’s a nun.
J.D.: Also a very valid point.
Alex: Look, Elliot, I’m sure Mr. Barnes didn’t take the drugs - he has been in rehab for over six months!
Elliot: Mmm?
Alex: There’s no reason to be so judgmental.
Elliot: I am not judgmental. If I were, I’d tell you your shoes are ugly.
J.D.: Do not stoop to her level.
Alex: Your bangs make you look like a chipmunk.
Elliot: It’s a frame. Why can nobody see that!?
J.D.: Can we get back to the matter at hand? This is about Mr. Barnes.
Alex: Fine. So who do you think’s right?
Elliot: Yeah?
J.D.’s narration: Oh, crap.Turk: Hey. How you doing?
Dr. Cox: Oh, hey! How are you? Can I buy you a beer? This is a men’s room, for God’s sake - there is absolutely no talking in here. Ever.
Turk: It’s just so freaky, you know? We’re on the same pee schedule.
Vendor: Hey, Bob, how are ya?
Dr. Kelso: Fine, Allen. Uh, today, I think I’ll try a double half-caf mocha foam latte mochaccino with a shot of vanilla and a sprinkle of nutmeg.
Vendor: So, black coffee?
Dr. Kelso: Bingo-bango!
Carla: Oh, my God - these people actually like you!
Dr. Kelso: Maybe you should just order.
Carla: Yes, I’ll have an espresso, please; and…what kind of scones do you have today?
Man: Son of a bitch. Do you mind, lady? I am in a rush.
Carla: Oh, my goodness! I’m so sorry. What am I doing thinking I can take an extra six seconds to pick my breakfast? I’m gonna have to call my mom and tell her she did a lousy job raising me. Thank you, so much.
Dr. Kelso: I, uh, I think what she means is, she doesn’t give a crappuccino!
J.D.: Oh…hey… Hey, Elliot…um…can you come back in, like, two minutes?
Alex: Hm?
J.D.: …Or, like, eighty minutes?
Episode: 15 My Bed Banter & Beyond
Elliot: Have you ever been more uncomfortable in your entire life?
(J.D.’s memories kick in)
Woman on TV: My God! You look hot in that dress.
J.D.’s grandmother: What movie are we watching?
J.D.: It’s Basic Instinct, Grandma.
(Back to today)
J.D.: Yeah, once.
J.D.’s narration: What are you doing? Elliot’s amazing and you’re crazy about her. If you let her leave, I’m gonna do this all day: I get knocked down but I get up again. You’re never gonna keep me down. I get knocked down…
J.D.: I can’t believe today’s over.
Elliot: I can’t believe I ate half a pizza.
J.D.: Oh please, Elliot, I had, like, two pieces.
Elliot: If you tell anyone anything about today, please leave that part out.
J.D.: Things that wouldn’t have bothered you a week ago in a friendship become so incredibly important when sex is involved. I just…I think it’d be easier if you weren’t friends with your girlfriend… At all.
J.D.: Why is it impossible for you to ever let anything go?
Elliot: Oh, I let tons of stuff go; like when you wouldn’t stand up for me in front of Dr. Cox. Or when you started telling everyone we know that we’re having sex.
J.D.: And when are you-when are you letting that stuff go?
Elliot: Fine. You wanna know why I won’t let that go? Because the only reason that you wouldn’t stand up for me is that you’re so terrified that someone, somewhere, in this hospital won’t like you.
J.D.: Oh, and that’s a bad thing? That’s a bad thing, Elliot? Why don’t-why don’t we get all of my friends together in a room and we’ll fight your friend.
Elliot: Dr. Cox, I was waiting to see if she would tolerate her low heart-rate, which is exactly what all the medical textbooks tell us to do. Am I right, J.D.?
Dr. Cox: Is she right, J.D.?
J.D.: Uhhhh… Well, technically, yes. But, you know, it’s-it’s really a judgment call, and if she really was that bradycardic, I probably would’ve called the fellow… But I, that’s-that’s me. I…
Dr. Cox: Wow. Always side with the hoochie, Newbie. It’s rookie mistake. Gosh, you-you hate to see it.
Dr. Cox: Oh, what the hell, Barbie? You should have gotten the cardiology fellow to give Mrs. Zuckerman a transvenous pacemaker one hour ago.
Elliot: Sir, I was waiting to see if-
Dr. Cox: Oh! You were waiting! I’m sorry, that’s-that’s my mistake… Oh! I’m gonna wait with ya!
Elliot: Dr. Cox-
Dr. Cox: You gotta give it time; because you see, when you’re waiting for someone to magically get better all by themselves, the whole thing becomes about time.
J.D.: Probably just a bad ball.
Elliot: You don’t always have to patronize me, I mean, you could just be honest with me and tell me that I suck.
J.D.: You know what, Elliot, it’s hard to be honest with you when you’re so neurotic, you don’t even trust the computer to keep your score.
Elliot: There was nothing funny about that.
J.D.: Oh, all right, maybe you just don’t know funny. Okay; let me help you out: Silly hats are funny; ALF, very funny; anyone in a chicken suit… Oh! Over-sized phones are funny.
J.D.: Okay, Mr. Lewis, I’m afraid we’re gonna need another stool sample. Not for medical reasons…my robot needs food.
Turk: This is a hospital, all right, people here are already sick.
Elliot: You guys do it all the time.
Carla: Tell me we don’t look like that.
Turk: We don’t look like that!
J.D.: Oh, please, you guys are just jealous ’cause you’re not the new hot couple in town anymore.
Turk: Jealous, my chocolate butt!
Carla: I’m telling you, we are so damn hot; last night, when I was home waiting for Turk, I put on this tiny negligee - it was so small, I took it off my Latin Barbie-
Turk: Yeah but, baby, when I got home you were sound asleep and drooling like a sheepdog.
Carla: You don’t have to tell them that.
Episode: 16 My Heavy Meddle
Elliot: You know, I’m so sick of this. I mean, every time I come here, I’m going to see him, so just get someone else to do this stupid project with you.
Turk: No, look. Okay, maybe the reason why I asked you to work with me on this is because I knew it would force you and J.D. to see each other.
Elliot: I don’t want to get back together with him.
Turk: I’m not saying get back together, okay? You guys made a terrible couple.
Turk: You know what’s the cool thing about this movie? That this could really happen.
Elliot: Which part? The Russians invading
Turk: Both.
Carla: Dr. Kelso? This is Matthew Rice.
Ted: He’s the proxy for his uncle’s living will.
Dr. Kelso: What a happy coincidence, you showing up out of the clear blue sky.
Ted: Oh God.
Carla: You’re okay.
Matthew: So exactly how much is my uncle leaving me? Can I ask that?
Carla: Oh, no, Mr. Rice. This isn’t about his assets. This is about executing his last living requests.
Matthew: So… No money at all?
Dr. Kelso: Not a dime, kiddo. I can’t tell you how glad we are to finally put all this tomfoolery to rest. Once and for all! Cup of coffee, sport?
Ted: What happened? I blacked out.
Elliot: Look me in the eyes and tell me I’m not a geek.
Turk: Come on! You still got that rubber thingie on your finger!
Elliot: Eggs can be extremely slippery!
Carla: Bambi, I warned you about getting caught up in Dr. Cox’s wake. But does he listen?
Laverne: You’d think so, with those ears.
J.D.: Uncalled for, okay? Listen, it’s different this time. He showed up
at my place.
Carla: He’s showed up at my house before.
Laverne: Showed up at my momma’s on Mother’s Day.
Ted: Ruined my wedding.
Bartender: And you owe me $53.
J.D.: I, uh, think I left my wallet in my other onesie.
Turk: Excuse me, nurse. I’m ready for my sponge bath.
Carla: Oh, sweetie, I’m so sorry, I can’t. I gotta go pick up a CD for this coma patient of mine.
Turk: But I’m wearing silk boxers.
Carla: Turk…
Turk: They’re the ones with the little dogs holding the big money bags.
Elliot: I’m not a geek.
Todd: What’s that on your finger?
Elliot: It’s a rubber thingie that I wear to help me turn the pages… quicker…
Todd: (Laughs) She said rubber thingie.
Elliot: Okay, we can finish the synopsis for chapter four and process the Stegman data if we pull an all-nighter.
Turk: Elliot, this isn’t due for another month.
Elliot: Yeah, but if we finish one week early we can just sit back and play with the fonts and margins.
Turk: Oh, whoo… Tonight’s date night with Carla, and I got on special underwear.
Elliot: Go. Do you mind if I keep working?
Turk: Yeah, that works for me.
Todd: I’m wearing special underwear too. They’re invisible.
J.D.: You are not going to believe what happened yesterday. Dr. Cox just went ballistic and destroyed an entire lab room. Oh yeah. Broken computers, chairs through windows, shattered beakers. Beakers, people, beakers. How is this not good gossip?
Carla: J.D., he does this every year. And whatever you do, don’t get caught in his wake, because if you do, he’s taking you down.
Laverne: Downtown.
J.D.: All the way?
Carla: So do you think you can help me locate one of his family members?
Ted: I guess I could try to locate one through some legal channels, but I’m really swamped.
Carla: You know, I love your worry lines. They’re so adorable, they’re like sexy little forehead smiles.
Ted: Careful, I’ve been hurt before.
Carla: Well, I came across Mr. Rice’s advanced directive, and he has a few requests he would like us to honor.
Dr. Kelso: Let’s see. Blinds open. That’s done. Incense burning. Close enough. Glad you called.
Carla: Dr. Kelso? He also wants to hear Poison’s ‘Talk Dirty to Me’ once a day.
Dr. Kelso: He wants to hear whose what?
Carla: Poison. It’s a heavy metal band.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, like Motley Crue, and Winger. My son was a bit of a headbanger.
Carla: I’ll get a tape-deck in here and we’ll just…
Dr. Kelso: Miss Espinoza, that’s not necessary.
Carla: It’s just one song.
Dr. Kelso: It starts out as just one song, but then before you know it, half of the hospital staff is running around piercing their genitalia, and fornicating in the back of vans.
Episode: 17 My Student
J.D.’s narration: I think a lot of us freak out when med students come because it feels like being forced to accept new people into your family. It changes everything. Me, I was more struck by how these newbies made me look at myself. Who I used to be (shows Josh), who I am now (shows himself) and who I might some day become (shows Dr. Cox). But hopefully, not too soon.
Dr. Cox: You wanna know something?
Kristen: What?
Dr. Cox: I feel like I’m using you to get past another person.
Kristen: That’s not as sexy as you think it is.
Kristen: Perry?
Dr. Cox: Actually, I prefer Dr. Cox.
Turk: Dr. Cox, you are an attending, so you should know it’s highly inappropriate for you to be sniffing around this woman all day! And you! You are a med student who should be learning from me, but every time I turn around, you’re talking to him. So I’m telling you, I forbid you to get involved with that guy.
Kristen: Sorry, doctor.
Dr. Cox: You do realise that you just effectively signed your own death warrant.
Turk: Dude, do you, like, know any women at all?
(Scene shifts to Dr. Cox’ apartment)
Kristen: Hi. I know we’re not supposed to be seeing each other, but…
Dr. Cox: Sorry we got interrupted before.
Kristen: It’s okay.
Dr. Cox: Where were we?
Kristen: I told you my parents were still married, then you yelled at me.
Dr. Cox: Right. Of course I did. That’s me all over.
Kristen: Why are you washing your hands?
Dr. Cox: I don’t honestly know.
Elliot: Hello, Philip.
Philip: Lemon head.
Elliot: Yeah, I get it, ’cause of the hair.
J.D.’s narration: It’s hard trying to figure out how to reach somebody. The thing is to think of someone I look up to and remember how they got through to me.
J.D.: Josh, this is completely crazy.
Josh: You told me I shouldn’t be a doctor.
J.D.: Kidding… Josh. You know what? Forget all of that. You have to hang in there. Now, I promise you, I am gonna help you. So, what do you say?
Josh: I know what you’re trying to do. My whole life, people have felt sorry for me.
J.D.: Why would anyone feel sorry for you?
Josh: I’m clumsy, I’m always throwing up and I don’t even have an ass!
J.D.: Those are the same things I was dealing with when I started here. Except for the ass part. I actually have a great ass. It’s firm like mutton.
Elliot: Philip, I was wondering if you could write out this discharge summary.
Philip: Where’s the fun?
Elliot: Excuse me?
Philip: From now on, when you’re wondering whether I’ll do something, ask yourself, “Where’s the fun?” It’ll be a timesaver for both of us.
Elliot: I’m betting that if you were really honest with yourself, you’d realise how unsatisfying it is to ride on your father’s coattails.
Philip: No, I’m okay with it.
Turk: Okay. So you’re having a little trouble asking out Kristen. It’s no shame. It’s not a problem.
Dr. Cox: Whoa there, Curly. I got no problem asking a woman out. Watch this. (To a passing nurse) Wanna have a drink sometime?
Nurse: No.
Dr. Cox: Good. See? I’m fine over here.
Turk: Okay. You know how men are always talking about themselves? Well, apparently, women like to talk about themselves even more.
Dr. Cox: Oh! Thank you, Sensei. You’ve touched me deeply.
Turk: Okay. You can be cynical if you want, but I’m telling you and being honest with you, if you get Kristen to talk about herself, it’s on. It’s on and poppin’. And if that doesn’t work, you simply do what I do.
Dr. Cox: Which is what exactly?
Turk: (Drops his pants and shows his underwear) Show her the booty!
Dr. Cox: No. No. No. You put that away. Oh! Think of the children.
J.D.: (About Josh) It’s not my fault he failed.
Carla: He didn’t fail. You did. You’re supposed to be his teacher.
Janitor: See, to me that sounds like it’s your fault. I don’t know. Shocker. Yeah. Where you going? Stay and play!
J.D.: (About Josh) Even nurse Roberts says he’s the most incompetent young doctor she’s worked with.
Carla: Hey, Laverne, what’d you say about J.D. when he first started working here?
Laverne: That he was the most incompetent young doctor I ever worked with.
Episode: 18 My Tuscaloosa
J.D.’s Narration: I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m akay, I’m a kay. I’m a kay? What the hell does that mean?
Dr. Cox: No, wait a minute - you don’t have to go… you know, if… if you don’t want to.
Dr. Cox: Kinda, yeah.
Dr. Cox: Then, for God’s sake, stop turning around!
Kristen: Moving furniture with that nurse you have a crush on. That’s your “hundred percent”?
Dr. Cox: No, no, no, no, the hundred percent actually came well after that. Look, her boyfriend was there the entire time, and if you want to know the truth, bailing on you is far and away the best thing that could have happened because it made me realise that I was sabotaging myself again. What, if you don’t believe me, ask
Kristen: Left where?
Dr. Cox: Uhh… um… uh…
Kristen: You’re unbelievable.
Kristen: You know, he did the same thing the first time I saw him naked.
Kristen: Really?
Dr. Cox: Ohh-kay, this is beyond horrible.
Kristen: Thank you.
Dr. Cox: Kristen… this is my emotional baggage. Baggage… Kristen.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Dorian, we have examined Aaron Simon’s file. Before we begin, do you have any last words?
J.D.: I’m a kay? That was terrible, can I have a do-over?
Elliot: Ten songs about “Bunny”, not one song about his wife.
Turk: That’s because it’s physically impossible to write a love song about anyone named “
Elliot: Turk, don’t you get it? This tape shows exactly why Kelso is… Kelso! I mean, he-he used to be this beautiful, wonderful, sweet, caring man; he-he found the love of his life and somehow she slipped through his hands.
Carla: Oh, that is so sad.
Turk: Have you guys ever stopped to think that maybe Bunny is just a real bunny.
Carla: Baby, that’s just stupid.
Turk: Yeah, I know.
Kristen: Hey, you.
Dr. Cox: You got a minute?
Kristen: You know what would make surgery quicker? If we didn’t have to be so clean.
Dr. Cox: Listen, I-I gotta say something to you here, you, uh… you are so great. You know, you’re sexy, you’re smart; God knows you’re dangerous.
Kristen: Do you think I’m a spy?
J.D.’s Narration: Okay, so you got a good eight, nine minutes of sleep last night. Just remember it’s a new day; yesterday’s gone and it’s never coming back.
Carla: Bambi. About yesterday.
J.D.: It’s back?
J.D.’s Narration: We all know what goes on in the bedroom…
Turk: Baby, since we’re up…?
Carla: No.
Turk: Okay. Oh, okay.
Dr. Kelso: Having a late-night tea party, are we? Oh, I guess my invitation must have been lost in the mail. Well, as long as I’m here, I’m partial to Lemon Zinger.
Elliot: Sir, the reason Dr. Turk is here is because his patient is going into surgery tomorrow; but I was kind of hoping we could do an ERCP first?
Dr. Kelso: Ahh, you’re breaking my
Elliot: I’m sure that was Dr. Kelso singing.
Turk: It wasn’t.
Elliot: Yeah, but what if it was?
Turk: Elliot, stop. Okay, please, I don’t want to have this conversation again.
Elliot: I really think it was him.
Turk: It wasn’t.
Elliot: Yeah, but what if it was?
Turk: Oh, good Lord, woman.
Dr. Cox: Look, I am seeing someone right now - who, by the way, is great - and yet there’s this other woman who I cannot get out of my head. She’s totally unavailable, which may be why I can’t get her out of my head, and maybe, and this is a whole new theory - I keep thinking of this other woman - the unavailable one - because I am so afraid that the first thing might actually work out and God forbid I ever do something that might actually make me happy. Do you have any idea what I’m talking about?
Dr. Cox: I hate you.
Dr. Cox: Fair enough.
Dr. Cox: Listen, Sweet cheeks, I am seeing someone who
Jordan: Let me guess, let me guess - dark haired, domineering, doesn’t take any of your crap? You see, a lesser person would mock your inability to move on. I’m going to consider it homage.
Dr. Cox: There is something so…soft about you.
Episode: 19 My Old Man
Janitor’s father: You know, this has got to be the most piss-poor sorry excuse for a hospital that I have ever set foot in.
Janitor: Well, Dad, in that case, feel free to not stop by every day that you’re in town.
Janitor’s father: Good-bye, son. See you tomorrow.
Elliot: I mean, you were right, I got into this for all the wrong reasons but I lucked out because now that I’m here, I can’t imagine being anywhere else.
Dr. Kelso: I still don’t like your father!
Elliot: Oh, me neither, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Well, if it isn’t daddy’s little girl.
Elliot: Dr. Kelso, I just wanted to tell you what happened to me this afternoon.
Dr. Kelso: I’m going to go right ahead and keep eating my soup but you rest assured I’m holding my breath on the inside.
Elliot: First, I came out to my mother.
Dr. Kelso: Well, then it appears the boys down in radiology owe me quite a bit of money.
Carla: I just freaked out because your mom and I have so much in common.
Turk: So?
Carla: I don’t know, I got this crazy idea that you only fell for me because I’m just like your mom.
Turk: Aw, baby… That’s exactly why I fell for you.
Carla: Okay, I’ll probably just have a friend pick up my stuff…
Turk: No, wait, sit down. What’s wrong with wanting to be with someone because they’re smart and independent and always looking out for you? Okay?
Carla: Yeah.
Turk: Okay.
Carla: But if we ever get married, we’re gonna have to talk about this in therapy.
Carla: Turk. I do like that Cuban restaurant.
Turk: Well, I think the important thing is we got through this together.
Turk: All right, Elliot, at the presentation I was wondering, can I do the ending? Because I really love the ending of our paper.
Elliot: Do you think I’m cut out to be a doctor?
Turk: Okay, fine, you can do the ending. I just want to say, “Thanks, folks! We’ve been great!”
Elliot: I’m serious. Do you think this is what I really want to do?
Turk: Elliot, I don’t know.
Elliot: You can tell me. I can take it.
Turk: No, Elliot, I’m saying I don’t know because I really don’t know. What the hell is going on here? Why have all women gone crazy?
Elliot: I’m not crazy, am I? No, shhh, it’s okay.
J.D.: Well, he did some considerable emotional damage, so…
Dr. Cox: Every one of our parents does some considerable emotional damage and from what I’ve heard it just might be the best part of being a parent. Now, if some guy ever does put a ring on your finger and you’re lucky enough to pop out a youngster, I’m sure you’ll understand but for now trust me when I tell you that I wouldn’t care if today was the first time you ever met your daddy.
Janitor’s father: Hey, hey, hey, hey! You missed a spot right there!
Janitor: You know, lucky for me, Dad, I spend my life making a big circle around this place cleaning up after sick people so tomorrow I’ll probably be here around the same time.
Janitor’s father: You know that I hate sass! So just drop right down and give me twenty.
Janitor: Dad, that could be fecal matter.
Janitor’s father: Make it thirty!
Turk: So I told my mom how much you liked that Cuban restaurant downtown and she loves cuban food, so-
Carla: I hate that restaurant!
Turk: Wow. So I must have really misunderstood when you said that you loved that place and you wanted to be buried in a vat of their plantains so you could eat you way out.
Carla: See? That’s our problem. You don’t get me!
Turk: No argument there!
Episode: 20 My Way or the Highway
Sean: Ew, is that, uh…uh…?
Elliot: No! No, no, no. This is just muddy water, see?
(She wipes her finger across her shirt and licks it)
Sean: You just tasted muddy water.
Elliot: I know, uh…th–that was weird.
Dr. Cox: What do you think, she doesn’t see right through you? These people know who really cares about them!
Dr. Kelso: Oh, is that so? You and Jennifer are pretty tight, huh?
Dr. Cox: Hell, yeah, we are!
Dr. Cox: Hey, Jenny? Gosh, I’m glad you’re back.
Nurse: Thanks! My name’s Patty.
Turk: You’re damn right I’m competitive. See, that’s what makes me a good doctor - I want to win at everything every day, and you should, too.
J.D.: Oh, you know, that sounds like a great friendship.
Turk: Dude, if you don’t wanna play Steak again, that’s fine, all right? This has nothing to do with friendship, and you know it! So stop blaming me, because the truth is you’re angry at yourself ’cause you couldn’t get the guy to believe in you!
J.D.: He never got the concept of the team.
Turk: I know. Have a cookie, man.
Carla: Elliot, you know how they say no one will ever love you until you learn to love yourself?
Elliot: My mother used to say, “No one will ever love you.”
Elliot: Oh, my God. I cannot believe I talked to Sean about poo for, like, ten minutes.
Carla: Oh, relax; nobody knows.
Laverne: Hey, Poopy.
Elliot: At one point I tried changing the subject to art… But, we went from art to artists to alcohol to coffee…and that just led right back to poo!
Dr. Kelso: Can I let my mind wander, or are we doing something?
Dr. Cox: I just wanted to say that I’m… I’m sorry.
Dr. Kelso: Holy crap!
Elliot: Hey! How’s it goin’?
Sean: It’s good. Yeah. It’s good… You, um…you have a little something on your cheek.
Elliot: Oh, um! Yeah, that! That’s just, uh… That’s poo.
Sean: Oh. Well, I mean, you know-you know what they say, right? Because…everybody poops. I mean, I just did, earlier - not this second, but…down there, I poo-I pooped.
Elliot: Wow. I think that is so cool that you can just talk about it!
Sean: Really? Okay. Yeah, I love to poop.
Janitor: Look, I’m just a janitor, I don’t know much, but I do know this: You need surgery.
Carla: Where are you going? You don’t get off until midnight!
Elliot: Lookit, it’s my last chance; and Sean’s only seen me all skanked out. What, does it look like I’m trying too hard?
Carla: No! Do you need me to ice up your nipples?
Elliot: Why? What would that do?
Dr. CoxLookit, you fired a dear, dear friend of mine. That woman was like family!
Dr. Kelso: Who?
Dr. Cox: Who? I’ll tell you who!… Coffee Nurse. When you fired Coffee Nurse, you made this whole thing personal!
Dr. Kelso: No, you made it personal. You gave me all that lip yesterday in front of the interns. Look, you wanna know why I laid off those first two nurses? Budgetary constraints forced a cut, and those two had negative reports. And you think I did it to make myself happy…heh-heh… I wouldn’t notice if they all caught on fire.
Dr. Cox: Well, then, why in God’s name did you axe Coffee Nurse?
Dr. Kelso: Because you were being an ass! You’re right - that was personal. My bad!
Episode: 21 My Sacrificial Clam
Dr. Cox: Don’t be embarrassed about looking at my ass, you’re only human and everybody does it!
Carla: (Pokes Turk in the stomach) Boink! Who’s your new friend?
J.D.: (Puts a letter on Turk’s stomach) Look, he got a letter!
J.D.: I want my meningitis patient back.
Dr. Cox: No. Hey, do you know any women who hate themselves enough to actually date me?
J.D.: Why did you let me switch patients with you?
Dr. Cox: Because you asked me to. Oh, and because of your puppy-dog eyes.
J.D.: No, see, you’re full of it - you knew I was scared, why didn’t you just tell me to go in there and deal with it?
Dr. Cox: Well, gosh, Newbie, I don’t know what it was about that day. Maybe I hadn’t had enough sleep. Maybe my mind was on other things. Maybe I didn’t have enough fiber in my diet, and I failed to do my morning business. I don’t know what the hell it was, but the bottom line is I didn’t feel like spelling it out for you. And I know, I know, you want your little speech, and that’s fine because here it is: You’re a doctor. You might get sick. Get over it.
J.D.: Thank you. Now, can I have my patient back?
Dr. Cox: No. Because, aside from his weird Judy Bloom obsession, I like him. You will be de-lousing Mr. Schaffer - guy’s like fly-paper!
J.D.: What’s your problem?
Elliot: This stuff doesn’t come as easy to me as it does for you, okay? I study every night, and you know what else I have to do to try and remember all this crap? I tape-record myself saying it, and then I listen to myself over and over. Do you have any idea how annoying it is to hear myself go on and on and on…and on…and on…?
J.D.: No. Oh, come on, I have problems, too!
Elliot: Oh?
J.D.: I traded my meningitis patient - just traded him, like a baseball card. And you wanna know why? Because I was afraid of him! I’m a doctor who’s afraid of sick people! You wanna take a picture with me?
J.D.: Dr. Cox., heh. Is there any way I can get you to cover Mr. Winston? He’s my meningitis patient. Little bit of a personality difference - I mean, he says “tom-ay-to” and I say…”tom-ah-to”.
Dr. Cox: Sure.
J.D.: What?
Dr. Cox: I’ll take him. You just gotta grab my three gomers in 408.
J.D.: What’s wrong with them?
Dr. Cox: I don’t know, Newbie, I’m assuming they’re sick.
Elliot: What are you doing here?
Sean: I…I bought you some extra scrubs to keep in your locker, so you never have to work topless again - unless you start dancing, which, you know, I thought about…and I’m okay with it!
Elliot: Great, so he’s thoughtful, too!
Sean: Are you mad at me?
Elliot: No!
Sean: Oh, ’cause the yelling thing makes it seem like you’re mad at me.
Elliot: Oh…you would know. I mean, you’re so thoughtful, and handsome, and you would never forget your scrubs!
Sean: No, see, I don’t wear scrubs. Although, one time I did lock my car keys in my car, uh, you know, while it was running…on a-on a bridge.
J.D.’s Narration: It really wasn’t that hard for me to avoid my contagious guy.
J.D.: Carla, can you recheck Kernig and Brudzinski signs on Mr. Winston?
Carla: And why can’t you do it?
J.D.: I would, but I don’t got no mojo workin’. Right-with the mojo- I, um, you know, I have to go lecture some med students on myocardial infarction…
Carla: Oh, right…I think I saw them waiting for you in the “You’re full of crap” ward.
Carla: Baby! I’ve been looking all over for you!
Dr. Cox: You didn’t happen to bring his leash, did you?
Carla: What are you doing down here?
Turk: I’m gonna go for a little run with Dr. Cox.
Carla: But I haven’t seen you in forever! We’re supposed to go to the park…sorta let you tell me how pretty I am.
Dr. Cox: See ya, chubby.
Turk: Son of a-! Baby! You’re prettier, like, every day!
He runs off after Dr. Cox.
Carla: I’m prettier in the park…
Episode: 22 My Occurrence (1)
J.D.: Wait, why would you want a picture like that? I thought you said that posed pictures aren’t real?
Ben: Come on, J.D. None of this is real. You know that.
J.D.: Can you help me out here?
Elliot: What do you want me to do, cry?
J.D.: Can you do that?
Elliot: Sure. Gimme a second to think of something sad.
J.D.: Quickly! Quickly!
Elliot: Okay, that’s not helping!
J.D.: I’m sorry, I shouldn’t even put you in this position. I-
Elliot: Oh, there we go. You know, another man in my life trying to protect me.
J.D.: Stay with it, Elliot…
Elliot: I mean, everyone thinks that I’m just this little girl who can’t take any criticism because her mom and dad give her nothing but criticism.
J.D.: Good, Elliot, this is good…
Elliot: And look where it’s gotten me! You know, I’m 26, single, and all I do is work! You know, I may as well just give up the idea of being a healthy and… happy relationship, and just go ahead and… And… And…
J.D.: …become your mother…
Elliot: Yeah!
Elliot(crying): Check Mr. Sullivan’s tests again!
Franklyn: Okay!
Elliot: How cool was that!
J.D.: I’m just asking you to check, Franklyn, and see if you could’ve made a mistake.
Franklyn: Look, I’ve worked here seven years, and never made a single mistake!
Elliot: You mixed up my patients’ urine samples yesterday!
Franklyn: Okay, I make lots of mistakes. But I really have to go to the bathroom right now, and after that I’m going to lunch.
Ted: Hey… there… buddy… How is my… best friend… doing?
J.D.: Ted, you and I hardly know each other.
Ted: These aren’t my words.
Turk: Look here: My friend needs you to check on the Ben Sullivan file, and you’re gonna do it right now. Why? Because you’re not gonna drop the ball like you did on my patient.
J.D.: You said “drop the ball.”
Turk: I know! That was totally by accident!
Turk: Yeah, I know who screwed this up. It’s that same lazy-ass admitting nurse that mixed up my files. And there she is! I’m gonna go get her.
J.D.: Turk, I can fight my own battles, man.
Turk: You’re not gonna write her one of your angry notes, are you? ‘Cause she doesn’t deserve it.
J.D.: No, I lost my thesaurus.
Turk: Okay, well you go get her, then!
Dr. Cox: Look, Ben, I know I am prone to making the occasional casual reference to your sister being a, well, a wire-haired man-goblin… but I hope that has no effect on your relationship with her.
Ben: That’s really very sweet of you to think that you’re that important.
Dr. Cox: Ben? Why?
Ben: ‘Cause it’s my thing. You’re just jealous you don’t have a thing.
Dr. Cox: I had a thing - I used to like to hike, but Jordan
Ben: She got your hobby? That’s vindictive!
Episode: 23 My Hero
J.D.: What’s wrong?
Janitor: I lost my mop.
J.D.: Really?
Janitor going through J.D.’s diary
Janitor: “He’ll always be a hero to me.” What a girl. What else we got? Theater camp. Ha ha. Bingo.
Dr. Cox: Oh, give me a break. I’m not good at this stuff, y